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haterraid on tap this morning!

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brokenfinger posted 6/19/2013 13:16 PM

UGH!!! So angry today!! I feel like I've drank a big pimp cup of haterraid and am ready for a fight!

Why do we have this urge to fight? I know it needs to be NC except fiances and kids...is it because I want to him hurt like I'm hurting? Is it because he seems fine, and he blames me for our DD being a total mess?

I want him to hurt, I want him to cry and not be okay.
The punch I smoked him with, just doesn't seem enough.

I'm pretty sure I'm keeping my anger as a defense, as we had separated before over his wandering ways. I got sucked back in.

I DO NOT want to be his friend. I envy people that can get along.

I feel like I need my anger....does anyone else feel like that?

I know it will go away,and I hope so, it's honestly a little exhausting.

7yrsflushed posted 6/19/2013 13:20 PM

I intentionally held on to my anger during in-house S just to make sure I didn't falter during the 180. I actually DO want to be able to be cordial at some point in the future since we have kids but it pissed me off to have her walkign around the house like things were okay. So I chose to intentionally make things uncomfortable and awkward to keep me on track. I can finally relax in 3 more days.

Yes it is exhausting but when you let your guard down it's like they can smell the lack of piss and vinegar in the air and think everything is fine.

Jrazz posted 6/19/2013 13:20 PM

It IS exhausting... and the intensity of these emotions will subside in time.

(((brokenfinger)))

Just focus on DD and breathing today.

libertyrocks posted 6/19/2013 13:36 PM

Try going to the gym, a kickboxing class, or do it fight club style. lol. I'm totally kidding. You have built up physical anger. I posted something like this a while back and someone told me to go to the gym. I DID! I go all the time now. It feels so good afterwards.

brokenfinger posted 6/19/2013 15:23 PM

I run, but the weather is epically bad today, so I've stayed indoors. And still having the finger healing means i gotta take it easier with the push ups and stuff. I was at 150 squats a day, and 50 push ups before I broke my knuckle. I'm slowly crawling back now that the cast is off.

We don't live together. But having kids together means we have to communicate. Which is kinda funny,since he filed court papers wanting 50/50 custody (which im not going to give) and never said a word to me, but he freaked on me yesterday for not telling him about DD minor dental appointment.

I'd kinda like to get one of those bullhorn type thingies, and just stand in front of his place yelling "fuck you!" until I lose my voice.

I honestly, have not done a single constructive thing today. I haven't even gotten out of my jammies.
My kiddies will be home from school, soon though, so I figure I better shower and at least give the appearance I have my shit together.

brokenfinger posted 6/19/2013 19:08 PM

I forgot to mention I'm a derby girl, but the Dr won't clear me to go back until August, so hat I don't fall and break my finger again

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