WH has been carting around many boxes of Playboys for decades. He came into the marriage with them, 21 years ago. They never bothered me until DDay. Then, while one of my non-negotiable demands was that he get rid of everything on all electronic and printed media that was sexual, I allowed him to keep the Playboys. Heck, I read them! Frankly, I sorta forgot about the boxes because they were in a closet that we never use except for long-term storage. We started clearing out that room in preparation for putting new flooring down, and I was reminded of how many boxes there were 6. I started a conversation/dialog about feeling anxious about them and asked if he could winnow them down to 1 box. He made a long and passionate statement about how it wasn’t just tits and ass, but old articles that he liked, a snapshot in time, etc. Being as I had horded boxes of old Readers Digest for the same interest in time snapshots (they are long gone now), I said I would think about it. And, I came to the conclusion later that I was about 98% good with them staying.
Talking about them made me curious about looking thru a couple to take a look at some of the differences then vice now. So I opened the box that was sorta off by itself. On the top were a couple of older playboys, but under them was pornography. Old stuff. Lots of stories about incest that had to have been printed in the early 90’s. A folder of more recent stuff. Hard core porn magazines. A couple of books. All stuff that he had promised me he had gotten rid of. I left the box open. He wasn’t due back at the house until after 9pm, so I figured that I would leave it until the morning and then ask him about it. No alarms were triggered per se, but I was concerned.
The next morning actually started off really nice. We got up and immediately did our morning DIALOG, an exercise in emotions that we do daily. Emotions about, ironically enough, intimacy. At the end, while we were still face to face, he said that he had seen the open box and that it must have been a shock to me to have found the stuff. I said yes, and then said, I thought that you told me that you got rid of all of those items.
He looked me dead in the eye and said, “those were things that I winnowed out. I couldn’t bear to get rid of them. I’ve had an emotional attachment to them for many years.” Then, using the exact same words that he did on DDay, he said “I didn’t think that you would find them. I hid them away. I knew that it would hurt you if you found them, but I didn’t think that you would. Then I sorta “forgot” about them being there.”
The Exact Same Fucking Words. And it had the Exact Same Fucking Results. My scarred heart broke open, and I started hemorrhaging on the floor. Tears streaming down my cheeks.
I asked him, why would you keep this stuff knowing that it would tear me apart? He said that he had had them for over 15 years and that he was emotionally attached to them. I asked him, do you mean that you have a greater attachment to these magazines than you do to me and our 21 years together? He didn’t answer. I asked, is this all of it? He swore yes. I asked him, how can I believe a liar? He said he understood.
I made him leave the house first and had him put the box into my truck, which I then locked and took all copies of keys for. I went to work, left early, and started going thru every box. Then I went thru his bedside table. Hidden away in those magazines, I found a Phone for Sex booklet entitled “Kinky Couples.” It had vile pornographic images of
“couples” doing sex acts. The rest of the book must have had over 200 phone numbers for people, describing every sex act that you can think of, to call and have phone sex with. This looked like an older brochure, but it was yet another thing that he wasn’t supposed to have. I snapped.
I called, made a hotel reservation, packed my bags, tracked him and waited until I knew he was at his next evening class where it’s mandatory to turn your phone off, then I taped “Kinky Couples” to the garage door into the house along with a note that told him that I was leaving him. I left. I thought about hefty-bagging his stuff, but I realized that I needed to walk away from the house, go thru the box in my car completely, and think. So I left and I turned off my phone so he couldn’t track me. I told him that I would contact him when I was ready to and to leave me alone until then. And I wished him well with his paper women.
I just got back from seeing our MC alone. He is in shock too. WH fooled him as well. He conjectures that there may be abuse in his background, but tells me that I need to think about if I even want to stay in this marriage. And I am doing a lot of thinking about that. I came up with a plan of action for the next few days. I called WH and told him that 1) I was going back to the house briefly to return the materials. That they belonged to him and that I was returning them to him to do with them what he wanted. 2) That I would not be coming back into the house until all materials, playboys, etc., were taken off of our property. That if he needed to hold onto them, he could rent a storage place, ask a friend to hold them, whatever. That he was an adult and that he could make the decision of what to do, but as an adult making a healthy decision for myself, I would not be returning until those materials were completely off of our property. That if he needed to, he could move out with them. 3) He told me that he had an emergency appointment with his IC tonight, so I told him that tonight was his one and only chance to come completely clean with his IC. That if he had lied to him, held back from him, or otherwise had not come clean with him, this was his one and only chance to rectify that. Because I was coming with him to his next appointment and he was to let his IC know that and know that I could ask anything I wanted and that it would be answered fully. If any of the above wasn’t done and done quickly, then I would be seeing a lawyer and having him served. He agreed to it. We have written permissions for our councilors to talk to each other if they feel it’s needed. My MC, I guess now IC, will be talking to his IC probably tomorrow.
I have a hotel room paid thru tonight. I have made arrangements to stay overnight at another place on Thursday night if needed. I intend to go home on Friday and if the materials are not gone by then, then I will be hefty bagging his stuff and he can move out with them. I intend to tell him my timeframe tonight. I will need to talk to my sister and bring her up to speed sometime this week. If I have to hefty-bag him, then I will be sending out an email to all of our relatives telling them what’s going on and why he isn’t at “home” any more. And then I’ll call my lawyer and start making the arrangements that I need to, to separate myself from him.
I am so fucking numb right now that I am having a hard time seeing straight. Thank God y-all are here.
[This message edited by Skan at 1:23 PM, June 20th, 2013 (Thursday)]
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Just wanted you to know you have been heard. I am so sorry you are hurting. I wish I had the strength you do so close to your original Dday.
I am sorry you have found stuff that was supposed to be gone. That hurts. But I am proud of you and how you are handling the situation. You are thinking for yourself.
They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen
You are doing well. Keep up the caring for you first.
His dysfunction is so very deep. It chills me to think of all the stuff he promised you, knowing full well what was lurking in those boxes. I'm literally angry and sick for you.
We're here for you anytime. Please PM me if you need to talk.
You are a very strong lady. You have a plan, you expressed boundaries, and the consequences, etc. You did it beautifully.
Kudos to you for taking back the stuff. I would be tempted to have a big Bon fire but I understand the meaning behind him taking the steps to remove the stuff like he said he already did.
Standing up for yourself is honorable.
"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!
I know you're numb right now, and holding it all together. When you fall apart, you'll be okay. Know that. You.Will.Be.Okay.
We are here for you.
I was so afraid for you when the DUI happened. It reminded me SO much of what went on here, even though JM didn't get a DUI. It was so clear that there was still a mountain of shit inside his brain that was going to erupt sooner or later.
I am so sorry.
But, DAMN!! you did so good, girl!!!
Keep it up.
You deserve better.
The phone sex booklet sounds...scary.
Im so sorry,Skan. SO sorry. You have been an inspiration to me,and Im sure to many others. Im very proud of you..you've been very strong since finding that box of filth. Stay strong..and when you can't,some here..we will keep you strong.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
It's probably good that you can't feel anything right now. It's allowing you to function and carry through the steps you need to. I remember being hyper-logical and detached on d-day and the following week. Then it all fell apart, and the pain started.
You know we are here for you.
As the other posters have all said ... you're did great...and you will continue on that path no matter where it leads.
The fact that you are possibly giving him a chance to redeem himself is amazing.
[This message edited by Lalagirl at 2:02 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
The truly sad part is that I do believe that he loves me, whatever that means to him. And I just don't know what that means to him. What he considers love may not be anything that I need or want. But rather than being upfront and honorable and brave, he is throwing away the best thing that has ever, in his entire life, happened to him. He is throwing away our life, our history, what we were and even more sadly, what I had glimpsed that we could become. We could have been great. If only, if only
This afternoon I am going to go to the water, and I'm going to sit down and create a possible budget for two households. If I file, I'm going to go price 5th wheels, because even with a settlement and SS, I will not be able to afford an apartment without paying out most of my monthly income. And I know that I will feel a need to be uncluttered, and free, and mobile. Not trapped. It's so sad, that I can clearly see a life without him in it, and seeing a life with him in it is so cloudy. My feeling of sadness is like sweat or blood oozing out of my pores. It sits like a thin coat over my body. I suppose that I'll get angry at some point. But for right now, all I can feel is the sadness that you feel, when you hear of a child being killed. The sadness for the lost potential, for something that has been cut short.
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou