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Angry newlywed....but also afraid, please help?

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frankiebaby posted 6/19/2013 13:28 PM

Hello all! This is my first post but I've been lurking for a bit and really do feel so much better by seeing a community with so much support and good advice.

Some background; I'm 29, was just married this Jan. WH is my first serious relationship. My parents are missionaries and I've always been rather sheltered; I was a virgin when I got married, had very limited dating experience. My husband pursued me for over two years, trying to get me to go out with him, and made his intentions clear that he wanted to marry me in the beginning. I always had a nagging feeling that something wasn't quite right about him (I.e, he ) admitted to promiscuity in the past, which he claimed he'd dealt with, and had an ex gf that he was in contact with on Facebook that I always suspected he wasn't quite over) but because of his beliefs (he's a rather conservative Christian) I thought he'd dealt with his issues and they were a thing of the past.

Anyway, he lives in another country. I went there to marry him in late January. In March, he traveled to his home country for three weeks for "business" and to see his family. I stayed behind because I thought I'd save him money doing that, as we'd spent quite a bit onthe wedding. Anyway, just found out that while he was there, he hooked up with some lady that he says is on "staff" at his company. They had sex at least once. He's also been having a very flirty, sexually charged back and forth with his ex, the one he was so in love with back in the day. I found this out one day when I stumbled across a series of Facebook messages (I guessed his password because he has no imagination) and have been monitoring their conversations ever since. Been taking screen shots and keeping record. No one knows except me. I was shocked at first, then numb, then sad (he's actually noticed I've been depressed, on and off) and then, angry. I sit at home and fantasize about his death. I was sitting here like a good little newlywed, furnishing the house and fixing his food and hoping for his safe return, and the f*cker was having a jolly good time. He's also given them both financial assistance (which galls even more, as I've NEVER tried to be a financial strain or even asked him for money once I began working.) On top of that he's still involved in ministry, is planning a youth conference, and expects me to be all happy and excited about it, and wonders why I'm not.

I just hate him so much.

My question is: how do I confront the bastard? Im currently in a country where I'm totally reliant on him-- I don't have a residence Visa yet, and I need him to do everything from renting a place to using a bank. Just walking out ( which I would have done the same day were I in the States) really isn't an option. I'm afraid of the ramifications of being suddenly on my own in a foreign country where I essentially have no power to do anything (still on a tourist Visa, and no access to large amts of money as I set my salary to go into his acct for conveniences sake.)

I just feel so helpless and enraged.

I do have a cousin in the country close by and my family would come and get me in a moment, but this is just so humiliating. I've been married for less than six months, people spent thousands to come to the wedding and he cheats on me in six weeks. I can't help but wondering what I did wrong. The OW is absolutely beautiful ( though his ex girlfriend is a waistless, dumpy creature with a face like Grimace) and all I'm wondering is why the hell he married me in the first place.

Sorry for the long ramble. I want to confront him, but I don't want to stay, at least for a while.I'm currently in the process of landing a job that will take care of my sponsorship, which will give me the independence to act, but it's incredibly hard to wait. I have already consulted a lawyer who is quite sure I can get an annulment.

Should I confront him now? What would you do in this situation? Part of me just wants it out. Im sick of cooking and cleaning and going in and out like nothing is wrong. Plus, this conference of his is coming up and I'm to go with him. I don't think I could be as big a hypocrite as he is.

Sorry for how long this is!

LisaReg posted 6/19/2013 13:42 PM

I'm so sorry that you have to be here especially so soon after the wedding. Don't go this alone. Call your parents and level with them. I have a bad feeling about you being rather at his mercy financially and in a foreign country. You have nothing to be ashamed about; your husband on the other hand should want to crawl into a hole and never come out. Please call your parents. On a
lighter note I laughed out loud at the grimace face. Hugs to you.

Jospehine85 posted 6/19/2013 13:46 PM

Call your family to come and get you honey.

Go home and think about what kind of man he is vs what kind of man you thought you were marrying.

You could probably have your marriage annulled at this point.

By the way, he is not a conservative Christian. Someone who would marry in Jan, have a random hook up in March and an ongoing sexually charged EA with a woman on Facebook is not a conservative Christian. His "beliefs" are simply a conscience soother for his bad behavior.

How did you find out about the hook up in March? Did he tell you?

Lalagirl posted 6/19/2013 13:47 PM


By the way, he is not a conservative Christian. Someone who would marry in Jan, have a random hook up in March and an ongoing sexually charged EA with a woman on Facebook is not a conservative Christian. His "beliefs" are simply a conscience soother for his bad behavior.

I was going to say the same thing. When you are away from him and safe, OUT HIM! He does not deserve to be doing missionary work IMO.

frankiebaby posted 6/19/2013 13:49 PM

Josephine85- I found out by accidentally stumbling on his Facebook page.

I just want to disappear on him and forget I ever knew him, honestly.

[This message edited by frankiebaby at 1:51 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

Lalagirl posted 6/19/2013 13:51 PM

Please call your family - today. Do not tolerate one more day of living with this monster. Anyone who hides behind and uses God to do evil is indeed the spawn of the devil.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 1:52 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

MylarPineapples posted 6/19/2013 13:53 PM

Please call your family and ask them to help get you home. I'm very worried for you being so dependent on him. I'm so sorry this has happened.

daledge posted 6/19/2013 13:55 PM

I am so sorry! This really sucks! Yes, do as the others have told you; contact your family and get the hell out of there. See a lawyer and get an annullment right away. Put this loser in your rear view mirror, pronto.

You have done nothing wrong. He is the one who is flawed so do not blame yourself for one single second.

You have no reason to feel bad about anything you have done, so please do not go there.

Get rid of him. See a counselor if you need to, but move on. This louse duped you pure and simple. It stinks; and I am sorry! I know it hurts. You cannot change him, he sounds like a serial cheater. Your life will be misery if you stay.

As for the best time to confront him: pack your bags, get a hotel room you can escape to. Get yourself mentally ready. DO not feel you need proof. He might deny it, or maybe not. You have the proof anyway.

I would just say that he knows the truth and now you know. You will not keep his secret, protect him, etc. Decide what you do want and just tell him.

Do not give him a chance to make excuses, make love to you, or anything along those lines. Get out and go to your hotel room. Then cry; we all have. Call room service, send the cheating louse the bill.

Keep us posted!


tushnurse posted 6/19/2013 14:51 PM

So sorry that he has done this to you.
You know this has absolutely nothing to do with you. This is about him and his brokenness. You can't fix that, and clearly he has no intentions of fixing himself.

Please Please Please, call home, and get home ASAP. Get away, get a D, get an annullment whatever. You do NOT deserve this. Unfortuntately your clean upbringing did not allow you to see this guy for who he is. He has since shown you. Believe him.

You should be honored, loved, and placed upon a pedistal. Don't allow this guy to ruin the rest of your life.

When you get home, get STD checked immediately. If you know this much in this short of time, I suspect there is a lot more that you don't know.

Keep posting, keep
sharing. There are many wonderful people here.

((((and strength))))

Jospehine85 posted 6/19/2013 15:01 PM

Frankiebaby have you called your family yet?

frankiebaby posted 6/19/2013 15:18 PM

Frankiebaby have you called your family yet?

Not yet as we are in a rather small apt and it's late at night here. I will tomorrow once I'm at work and can speak privately. God, I feel like such a failure right now-- even though I know this isnt my fault. I don't even know what to say to them.

Reality posted 6/19/2013 17:39 PM

You say, "Mom/Dad, I found out a terrible thing about husband and I want to come home. Please help me."

Tell them what you found. Tell them your financial situation. Your folks are going to be furious that after they sheltered you and tried to make a spiritual life for themselves, this idiot comes in and causes their daughter pain.

Let them take care of you.

There isn't any shame in someone mistreating you. There is shame in not being true to YOU. It sounds like you can trust your parents to want your happiness.

<3, Frankie. Let's get you out of there.

[This message edited by Reality at 5:40 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

Jospehine85 posted 6/19/2013 18:14 PM


You were raised in an emotionally normal family. The people around you are normal.

Your WH's mentality is sooooo very different from the mentality you know, that it would have been nearly impossible for you to find his flaws before you married.

I suspect that is why he married you.

You believed his thought processes were as good and kind and normal as your own. You thought he had the same value system. That is not failing. That is being a open, loving and positive person. That is being respectful of him.

His behavior is his failure. He has failed to show you respect.

LisaReg posted 6/19/2013 21:43 PM

There is nothing more fierce or formidable than a mamm bear. My 15 year old was on a school trip over 800 miles away last week. The chaperones called me to tell me he was sick. He was OK but I was ready to hop a plane right then at 11:00 PM. Your mom will wrap you in her arms and will help you make sure that guy is not even a memory. Sending you prayers tonight. Wish there was more I could do for you.

brkn_heartd posted 6/19/2013 22:15 PM

Hugs to you. You have gotten some great advice. Call your family!

homewrecked2011 posted 6/19/2013 22:35 PM

This is not the time to do things on your own. We are worried about you, and we have not even met you!

You have been conned by a con artist. Please get your family on the phone and ask them to come get you.

If you had a daughter in another country who just married a con artist, you would move heaven and earth to get to her. The longer you stay in this dilemma, you will not get stronger, you will become more his to manipulate. Do not tell him you are on to him until you are safely on the plane back to USA.

frankiebaby posted 6/19/2013 22:54 PM

Thanks everyone for all the love support and advice. I was reading this and just crying and crying. You have no idea how isolated I've felt over the past few weeks. I'm still in his house and acting like a wife in every sense too, until I figured out what I wanted to do-- and absolutely loathed myself for that as well. you've all given me the courage to act.

LearningToFly posted 6/19/2013 23:26 PM

I can relate to the blow of saving yourself for marriage only to find out your husband could bring the filth of cheating into your innocent relationship. You are young with a life ahead of you. If your husband can be so deceptive so early in your marriage, there is something very wrong inside of him. You don't deserve this. It is not your fault AT ALL. He is the one who chose to do evil. Please call your parents. If you were my daughter, I would want you to be home safe with me not in another country with a man who disrespects and uses you the way your H did. His life is a mockery to God. How dare he claim the name of Christ and act so against what he says he believes. Please call your parents and tell them what is happening. Make plans and get to a safe place. You don't need to tell him what you know until you are with others who love you and will protect you.

Please keep coming back here for support.

Take2 posted 6/20/2013 00:17 AM

Your husband is a fraud wearing a mask - It sounds like he married you to complete his disguise. I'm so, so, sorry!

You did nothing wrong, hon. He is broken... and cheating within six weeks of the wedding - he is willfully broken.

Make arrangements with your folks to get you out of there and let him come home to an empty house, unless you feel you need to confront him and are absolutely certain that you feel safe doing so... You could just leave a copy of one of his tawdry conversations tacked to the fridge...

Keep posting, we'll help you work through those ill-founded pangs of humiliation, and well-founded bouts of anger...

Like the rest of us here, you have just been adopted by a very large cyber-family. We're here; we get it. And I dare say each of us want to give you a hug, pack up your stuff, and get you away from him. Personally, I'd like to kick his sorry butt for you!


Spirit13 posted 6/20/2013 09:15 AM

Please do not be humiliated or embarrassed to call your parents. I read your message and I could have written the exact same thing when I was married for 6 months. I was ashamed and didn't want to admit anything because they had just given me this nice wedding and I didn't want to look like a fool or shame them/the family.

Well, it took me 19 years and a lot of heartache to fix that mistake and it doesn't get better. You just get in deeper and deeper. Call them.

In truth - they probably know deep down that something is wrong. If you had a nagging feeling that something wasn't quite right then you can bet they did too.

Call them. Call them. Call them.

Save yourself and do not be ashamed. It is not your fault.

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