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Newest Member: sassylee (45766)

User Topic: What people "know"
catlover50
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, my fWH is hunting for a new doctor. He has started interviewing and the first one is an avowed "family man", which we both think is great. But it got me thinking.

The anonymous letter I received on Dday #2 claimed that "everyone in the community (of medicine)" knew that my fWH was sleeping with clients and employees and everyone felt sorry for me. Well, they were lying about a lot of it, but they were right about the LTA. The letter claimed that everyone thought my fWH would marry OW since she had divorced her husband and they were "together" so long. That he "must not be satisfied at home". Mean, hurtful stuff that I didn't deserve.

One point is, as we all know, that people who haven't been through this assume that an A is a sign of an unhappy marriage, cold wife, etc. So I feel blame as well as pity. And it pisses me off!

I asked my fWH what he would say if this new prospect asks about the rumors that "everyone" knows about. He said a few sentences about how he had changed and how the clinic enviroment was very healthy now. I wanted some acknowledgement of his wife. Perhaps that's unrealistic, but a "my wife has always been fantastic and I am so grateful that she is giving me a chance to make it up to her" or some such.

I know this is ego on my part, but it does seem massively unfair that I have to imagine people thinking these things about me.

Does this bother anyone else?



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1823 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Jospehine85
♀ 35971
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case, MOW and WH work in the same industry, though not for the same company. During the A, MOW had told many people who are my WH's peers, that they were a couple.

WH and I discussed what WH would say if someone asked about MOW:

Getting involved with MOW was a disgusting and deceitful decision. I am ashamed of my actions and am grateful everyday that jospehine85 has given me one chance to repair the damage I have done. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to her

ETA: It's a pretty standard press release to admit the bad behavior, play up the injured party and state what you are going to do to make up for the bad behavior. Kind of a formula.

Repeat like a broken record and don't get dragged into telling anything more.

[This message edited by Jospehine85 at 2:45 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 993 | Registered: Jun 2012
stomachupset
♀ 36084
Member # 36084
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I handled our "problem" by making sure no one at work knew, so I wouldn't have to hear about how it was my "fault" for not being good enough.


BW - 50 ME
FWS - 52 HIM
DDays - 6/21/12, 8/3, 8/4 and 8/5

Working to improve me, IC and MC for both of us. We'll see how it goes.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Southern California
sri624
♀ 33956
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i know how this must hurt...i completely understand. i wonder though if the ow in your case....or her friends wrote that letter. it sure does sound like she had some part in it. i mean...who would send you a letter like that...and be mean by saying he might not be happy at home.

that sounds like the OW.

and yeah, it sucks that "everyone": knew...but the way i have dealt with this is that everyone has dirty laundry. and i would be that most of the people who did know have gone through having a cheating partner too. i remember talking to my mother about "everyone who knew at his family functions...and how embarrassed i was. and she said...."i would bet that every last one of those women in that family have been cheating on...so they cant say crap." and it was true.

i wanted my husband to go back to everyone who "knew" and tell them how great i was...how he was lucky to have me back. he could do that....sure...but people are going to say what they want to say, you know?

my therapist told me just this week...that really....my husband is the foolish one...the one who should embarrassed that everyone "knew" what he was doing....not me. i take some comfort in that. i hope you do too. he was the fool, not you.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 1038 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
wert
♂ 34478
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently here...why do you give a shit what they think? People have all sorts of messed up opinions.

I am happy to tell anyone who cares to know. I mean I don't blab it all over the place because I feel most people really don't care. That said the people I trust know and they know what time it is also...it Wert time.

I hope you know that your H was the ass. It follows that you were not. In fact, the way I look at my sitch is that I was the faithful one. When women look around and ask where did all the good men go, I can point back at myself and say looky over here. I didn't kick her ass out, I gave her another shot and oh by the way , who kept the family together with his bravery and ability to forgive? Oh yeah, that would be me. It's you too honey. Live you life, not what a bunch of other people think of it.

take care...



Posts: 1450 | Registered: Jan 2012
TXBW68
♀ 36456
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i wanted my husband to go back to everyone who "knew" and tell them how great i was...how he was lucky to have me back. he could do that....sure...but people are going to say what they want to say, you know?

my therapist told me just this week...that really....my husband is the foolish one...the one who should embarrassed that everyone "knew" what he was doing....not me. i take some comfort in that. i hope you do too. he was the fool, not you.

THIS!! Exactly!!

My H lied to so many people about our marriage that I'm not sure I ever want to be around those people again - including his family. I told him that I had considered making him get a billboard to announce to the world that I'm not the controlling crazy bitch he told everyone I was. That in fact, he's the F'up individual in this relationship.

It's just not worth the effort though. I'd rather he spend his time working on our marriage.

((hugs))

[This message edited by TXBW68 at 3:07 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
catlover50
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all. Josephine, this is the type of response I would like. My H tends to be pretty private, but has agreed to tell everyone how amazing I am (and in fact has been doing so).

At my H's work everyone is very nice to me, and no one wants the fOW to come around, so she has been staying away (former employee). In fact lots of people claim to dislike her and when there was a function there that we both were at, everyone hugged and kissed me and ignored her. She left early and hasn't been back to functions. So there is some comfort in that. I don't think she deserves more blame, but she was stirring up trouble and falsely accusing him of another A with someone else, who ended up paying a price as well, so I do feel she deserves some extra shunning.

I know it is my ego that is bruised, but it is one more source of undeserved discomfort.

And yes, many people here think the OW or her cronies wrote that hateful letter.

But I am ultimately glad to have gotten it, because it led me to the truth, and what a deep truth it has become.

And yes, Wert, I know I shouldn't care. And hopefully some day I won't, but I admit that right now I still do. I'll work on that!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1823 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Myheartstillhurt
♀ 32430
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i wanted my husband to go back to everyone who "knew" and tell them how great i was...how he was lucky to have me back. he could do that....sure...but people are going to say what they want to say, you know?

I totally agree with this.

In my situation, OW/xBFF was more the one running her mouth about what an awful person I was. Terrible mother, morbidly obese, slob, blah blah blah. It was her boss finding my myspace and seeing my pictures and the nice things I did with my kids in my clean home with my average size, and all the loving comments I made about my husband and made her come forward and tell me all the things OW said about me. I remember wanting to find all her co-workers and show them who I was.

I know it isn't the same, my husband only spoke poorly of me to OW/xBFF and it was only when him and I had a fight.

But, I understand the feeling of wanting people to know that you are not as you were portrayed.

But, it is so true people are going to think what they want to. What matters is how he portrays you now and how he carries himself around other professionals. And in the end, it makes no difference what they think, their opinions hold no bearing on your marriage or your R.


BS(me) 34
fWH 38 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2018 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God, yes. My H used to work at a bar with a bunch of party/young/college kids. I could only imagine the rumours there, he had a family, and a wife, with kids...

Fuck those people. That's what I say. I take the 180 like it's the bible. And, thanks to my H's A's, the eff word is my favorite word.

Your situation sounds horrible. I WISH someone would have told me sooner...But, things happen for a reason. I'm a firm believer in that saying.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
catlover50
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks myheart. That was so mean of your XBFF.

My fWH never did say anything bad about me. It was the letter and what I assume people in society think when someone cheats. People who haven't been there just don't understand.

Thanks, too, libertyrocks. Having something go on that long brings up a whole lot to deal with.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1823 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Jospehine85
♀ 35971
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((catlover50)))

Remember people will believe how YOU treat them more than they will believe what someone else says about you.

I attended a work conference with my WH after Dday. I met most of his peers for the first time and several who knew about the A.

None of the ones who knew mentioned it to me. Those who knew AND who just met me all seemed shocked at who I turned out to be. Not what they had been told by MOW.

They all like me and I have noticed they no longer associate with MOW.

All of his other peers liked me. In fact, several asked WH later how HE ended up with such a hot wife who was so smart. The Grand Poobahs of their industry took a huge liking to me and sought me out at all the social gatherings. These were people MOW was hoping to meet through my WH. She was visibly distraught at these turn of events. Too bad, so sad.

It is and will be the same way for you.

Keep your head held high. Be gracious and kind and you will be a stark contrast to OW.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 993 | Registered: Jun 2012
catlover50
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Josephine.

Good for you. That's awesome.

People who have spoken to my fWH about it have told him he was an idiot and made a big mistake (to which he replied--the biggest).

So maybe I'm being unecessarily paranoid. But when new people come in I do fear that they have heard the rumors and it makes me trigger.

Thanks for everyone's support.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1823 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think maybe this goes back a bit to all of us being afraid that by trying to reconcile, that we are doormats. I know I posted that in a thread recently, that forgiving myself for trying was the hardest part of this for me. It's such an ego crusher.

In the end, you've made the choice that is right for you. And you are 100% right; nobody knows what this is about until they live it. You are a strong person, Catlover. Soon you will just think "oh fuck them and all of that bullshit. Meh."

Head up! Eyes forward!


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6653 | Registered: Jan 2011
catlover50
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell yeah Rebreather!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1823 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Kelany
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think maybe this goes back a bit to all of us being afraid that by trying to reconcile, that we are doormats. I know I posted that in a thread recently, that forgiving myself for trying was the hardest part of this for me. It's such an ego crusher.

Rebreather is wise!!

My FWH was the GM of a restaurant and his 4AP's were employee's. They all knew he was married with 5 kids. I can only imagine the rumors. He swore after our first DDay no one knew. But, I realized after the second DDay that he'd been caught a few times having sex in his office with one of them and restaurants are RIFE with gossip. Plus is LTA of 2+ years threatened other employee's when they got too "close" to him. So yeah, they all knew.

I realize I must have looked like a fool when I went in with our kids. Except when I went in after DDay1 to confront one AP. That was awesome. (Rebreather would remember that from another site, they were with me in spirit).

But then after DDay2, my husband was fired for his sexcapades and sexual harassment. (An intended AP target wasn't having it.) And I realized, HE looked like the fool. And the AP's I'm sure weren't looked upon kindly either. Not me. I'm sure he was the source of gossip more than I was. And that they probably felt badly for me more than anything.

And really, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. It's what I think. What I want for myself. What matters now.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a patient, I don't much care about my service provider's personal life, except insofar as it may or may not interfere with the services I need.

I would expect him to say 'I messed up, and I've accepted responsibility and changed in these ways.... I've also made amends to my W.'

If I asked about sex with clients, I'd want to know what he's done to clean up his act ethically. Or maybe I'd never go to see someone who I thought had fucked his clients....

When my W talks about how amazing I am, I think about protesting too much. No matter what, I wasn't amazing enough to keep her from betraying me. If I heard a FWS praise his BS, I'd think the same thing. But I know betrayal is only about the betrayer, and I'd assume - now - that the BS is amazing....

JMO.

[This message edited by sisoon at 6:00 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10582 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
catlover50
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sisoon--

He didn't actually sleep with clients. The only thing the letter got right was outing the LTA; which, obviously, was enough. The rest was wild exaggeration designed to hurt me.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1823 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
I think I can
♀ 17756
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Clearly that letter was written by the OW, yes? Trying to get you to leave him?


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8845 | Registered: Jan 2008
catlover50
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, it was 18 months after it ended. She, apparently, was highly offended because she thought he was having another A. She had been coming around his work stirring up trouble about her suspicions. He had gotten too close to an intern but it was not a PA or in any way sexual or romantic. The letter detailed how he was planning to leave me for this new girl, which was all false. Confirmed with a polygraph.

I do find it interesting that she was not threatened by his 23 year happy marriage but was threatened by this theory. Perhaps she thought she couldn't get him to leave his wife or treat her like more than a dirty secret but if someone else could that made her even a bigger loser.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1823 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
sailorgirl
♀ 38162
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And yes, Wert, I know I shouldn't care. And hopefully some day I won't, but I admit that right now I still do. I'll work on that!

catlover50, I am so with you on that comment. I am way out of my comfort zone dealing with child abuse, cheating, and a broken husband. Our marriage is making me stretch until I have growing pains! I've gotten a lot wiser and more mature, but I'm just not completely enlightened yet


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 29
Pages: 1 · 2

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