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User Topic: Contact the other OW? Since it's been a few years
Chefj9
♀ 38604
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Their A was 4 years ago, and she doesnt' know that I know about her. I don't want a dialogue, I guess I just want her to know that she didn't get away with it. That I know.

I know it serves no purpose in the end and would probably equal more hurts. She's the type more likely to "go off" on me.

I just can't stand the fact that she really got to walk away with no accountability or consequences. And it's really eating at me that OW#1 and OW#2 are close friends and co-workers and they now know about each other and my SAWH.

OW#3 might as well have been a prostitute from the sounds of what happened. She knows, I know, because I caught them emailing and he sent her a NC. Although he claimed at the time, it was nothing more than emails... I now know the truth.

I know in the end, they all mean nothing, and I should let it go. I'm getting there, slowly.... some days though it's hard to let them be. LTA OW, is still pining and posting music to SAWH on FB. He can't see it and doesn't want too. I still check out her page occasionally. She's the bunny boiler and I never know when and where she's going to try and contact one of us.

Overall, I'm doing better, SAWH is totally doing better and we are working on things. I have days that I don't trigger, and that I'm happy. I think of what he did every day, but I'm not melting down and havenít really cried in weeks, not like I used too...

Just afraid that if I contact her, thatíll set me/us back. Has anyone ever gone back and contacted the OW years after the A?



ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
teach5
♀ 18445
Member # 18445
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what you mean- it has been 6 years for me and I sometimes think about contacting her- but I know it will not help so I resist the urge.

Posts: 418 | Registered: Mar 2008
ajsmom
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC with OW works both ways.

Nothing will be gained by you poking the tiger.

Absolutely nothing.

Stay the course.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21117 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Getting to Happy
♀ 35200
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes.

I texted her and sent her nasty pictures back to her.

Pretending to be Mr. Happy I sent her a

"HEY HO! Remember me from a few years ago...I'm coming back to town!!"

Then (as Mr. Happy) proceeded to ask for a 'redo'. Told her

"Your photos are so sexy but I had to lie to my wife and say they were just some sleazy pics a friend had sent to me from a desperate one night stand."

She said to stop comminicating with her, she did not do 'redos' and that her fiance would not like it...

"Well, let me give your fiance some tips on satisfying you since we had so much fun...MMMM"

Also after she told me to destroy the photos I said

" Oh no, these are mine now! I am going to put them into an archive of all the other dirty pics OW had sent, don't worry your in in 'good company'!"

FYI~Mr. Happy does not have an archive.

It felt great!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
WoundedOpus
♀ 39521
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think about it all the time, although she knows I know. I have no idea what I'd say, which I guess makes it easier to resist. On my seriously bad days, I have a very very hard time not contacting her husband though. Eats me up...why should our lives be the only ones torn apart, why does she get to go home every night to an unsuspecting loving husband?

Stay strong, we both know nothing good will come of it. I need to write out a letter to them both, and then just file it away, maybe just writing it will help me get over the urge!


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

ďI don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
anv5
♀ 39217
Member # 39217
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with this too
I know that since it happened 5yrs ago (even though I just found out) it would be bad to contact her now. I do believe him that he has not had contact with her. I also believe that from what I know of her she would lie & try to cause more problems. I agree most days I do good with that decision but every once in a while I have a day that is soo hard not to contact her
Good luck & Hugs


BS(me)30
WH 29
1 Child
Married 11 yrs
D-Day: 4/9/13 he cheated in '08 & now + trickle truth & tons of lies 6/27 Found more, swears I really do have the whole truth now.
2/2/14 found out more...it seems the TT never ends.
Trying to R

Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2013
1Faith
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I contacted the OW right after I found out and then six months after DDay.

I too felt like I wanted her to know that she didn't get away with it. And what I thought of her. She is also married with two small children. What mother does that?

She emailed me back and said she was sorry and wished me, my family and my marriage the best. WTFE.

So I understand your motivation I don't know what you would accomplish, especially 4 years after.

If she is the type to go off then she would probably find great joy that it still bothers you 4 years later.

I do send a Christmas card of our family every year to her though. I guess it is my "in your face we are still together" holiday greeting.

Just don't look for any closure from her. She is not relevant anymore.

Focus on the success you have had over the 4 years and all the progress you've made.

Good luck Chef. Keep moving


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1336 | Registered: Apr 2013
Phoenix519
♀ 26186
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out about the A after it had been over for a few years. I wanted so bad to contact her but everyone here said to let it go. So, I did but it always felt like an itch I couldn't scratch. Dday for me was 5/09.

Last September, her best friend contacted my husband (they work together) and told him that poor little OW was upset that I had looked at her Pinterest page. I know, NC means no new hurts but I think I kept snooping because I had not contacted her.

He told me, and I fired back an email to her and we've not heard from that idiot since.

I wish a million times, I would have done it sooner. She didn't respond and I don't care. It scratched that itch and if I had it to do over, I would have done it immediately.


Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
sudra
♀ 30143
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with this all of the time. I didn't contact OW or her husband because at the time my husband got so angry with me for even suggesting it. (Can you say fog?)

I really want to confront her but 3 years out (for me)? I don't know. Seems to give OW a lot of power.

I just want her to pay, somehow. I totally feel you on this. No advice, just sympathy...


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1537 | Registered: Nov 2010
PrincessPeach06
♀ 39588
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so hard for me - its only been 5 weeks but I have never said a word to her despite her Facebook messages begging me to call. The last thing I want is for her to have my number!!!

I know she wants my husband in her life and would lie to me so why put more negative thoughts in my head!?!? I would love to tell her that I hope she feels like the trash that she is now knowingly going after a married man while she herself is married. Nothing makes me happier than the fact that she was used and dumped while she thought it was true love. I know that isn't very Christian like but for now I need that thinking just to try and get past my anger.


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
Chefj9
♀ 38604
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I guess nothing would come of it other than as one person said "scratching that itch". I don't really want anymore new hurts, so for now I'm going to take the majority advice here and say nothing.

But knowing me, that could change in a week!


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
mindisgone
♀ 17772
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did, years after the fact. Can't say I;m sorry. Like you I wanted her to know that I knew.
What I got from her was the usual classy OW crap,
"well I don't know what the problem is, that was xxx years ago"..
All said in a long whine. Apparently for OW at least there is a statute of limitations.

Phoenix519, how would OW know that you were looking at her pinterest page??


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 682 | Registered: Jan 2008
Chefj9
♀ 38604
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phoenix519, how would OW know that you were looking at her pinterest page??

I wondered the same thing... I didn't think anyone could see who looked unless the repinned


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
WoundedOpus
♀ 39521
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phoenix519, how would OW know that you were looking at her pinterest page??

I wondered the same thing... I didn't think anyone could see who looked unless the repinned

Me too, how did she know???


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

ďI don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 14

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