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My WH is calling counselors right now. He is definitely going to do IC, but I think MC might also be in order for us. We have never done MC before - how does it usually work? Is it best to use the same therapist that is seen for IC, or better to see a different one for MC? What should I expect? Thanks.

I would caution against using the same IC for MC unless you spend some time 1 on 1 with them. A counselor will only know as much as is told to them. You will be at a disadvantage if your spouse isn't honest about the situation. As he will have extra time with his IC sessions.

If you do go this route then I recommend either meeting with the counselor together and discuss somethings. If there is agreement on what your spouse needs to work on in IC then bringing it out then would be good. Otherwise I'd suggest meeting individually with the counselor before a joint session.

I think a lot will depend on how much rugsweeping that you are seeing now to gauge possible truthfulness with IC

Perhaps you can both see them for IC and MC.

My S/O and I do both, but we do it all together.

We do 50 minute sessions back-to-back. But we are both present. Obviously, given some of the underlying issues, trust is an obstacle. To remedy this, we're both present for all sessions.

I am present for his IC.
He is present for my IC.
We both attend MC.

All through the same therapist.

There are no secrets. No private discussions. Nothing subversive or covert. We have an amazing therapist and after alot of painful work we're happier than ever.

Whether you do IC, MC, or both...please just see someone. It helps enormously to work through thoughts, pasts, emotions, and behaviors in a nuetral environment with an unbiased person interested only in helping you become healthier and happier.

(((MylarPineapples)))

WH and I use the same Therapist for IC and MC. We started seeing the therapist individually and began MC after a few sessions. We continue to see her for IC and MC on an ongoing basis.

One issue to consider concerns confidentiality. If you see a separate therapist for IC, the treatment notes are considered confidential and cannot be produced for litigation or treatment purposes unless you expressly consent to it. If you see the same therapist for IC and MC, there may be an issue regarding the confidentiality of the IC treatment notes (ie., WH may be able to access MC notes without your consent). For WH and I, we have a written agreement with the therapist that IC treatment notes remain the property of the person undergoing IC and as such, are confidential to each respective party. In other words, before bringing issues up in MC, the therapist cannot reveal the contents of my/WH individual IC session without prior agreement (in therapy or litigation). Furthermore, MC treatments notes remain the property of both WH and I, and cannot be produced in litigation without the express written consent of both WH and I. Is that clear?

I do find it helpful that we are using the same therapist for IC and MC, so that there is a clear understanding of the situation. I also find there is also less "catch up" discussions in IC and MC, because I can discuss situations with her in IC before an MC session and vice versa.

What to expect in mc? The first session is usually just telling your stories. The mc will try to validate your feelings (not the actions, just the feelings). Subsequent mc sessions will start the work on communication skills, setting boundaries for the ws and trouble shooting immediate problems. A good mc will send you home with homework. I found that a good indicator of remorse and R. If wh did the homework I was happy. If he did it once and done, I knew he was just going through the motions.

My biggest suggestion is if this mc is not helping you move forward (either together or apart) then find another mc. If the mc makes you angry and sides with either ws or bs find another one. Like immediately, do not stop, do not pass go.

I found having the same mc and ic for both to work well. We made progress faster that way. Another hint, if ws does not go to any ic, that doesn't bode well for change either.

Thanks for all your insight. WH has scheduled an IC session for himself tomorrow. I'm thinking we'll see how that goes and how he "clicks" with this therapist before we decide how to proceed with MC. WH also asked me if I would like to do IC as well - I don't know yet. I feel like I would be just fine if he would just behave himself, y'know?

i would suggest IC for yourself because it will help you a lot. I started IC almost a year ago (before i knew of my rat bastard husband's infedelity-sorry it's way new) and I can't imagine how i would have handled this with out the skills i learned there. I have problems communicating and letting people "in". I know this contributed to our marriage not being the best but does not excuse the A. I just know that for me, as an individual, I have learned so much in IC. Before I started i thought that I didn't need it. I was wrong. I now think IC can help anyone be more of the person they want to be. and that's just in general-not to mention the fact that it can help a lot while going through something as traumatic as this. do it for you. i think you will thank you for it one day.

[This message edited by canteat at 10:35 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)]