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OW on my mind

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wanttofeelwhole posted 6/19/2013 16:40 PM

I have tried many exercises to stop allowing OW to have space in my head, nothing works. Although time has lessened the frequency and the pain, the thoughts remain.
My FWH have a reach a place of happiness. We were not here pre A (please read profile if interested). Not to compare situations, betrays or pain, but I do honestly believe if we were in a happy place and he cheated it would have made it much harder for me to reconcile. I believe I would have needed to end the marriage and then if circumstances had it, attempted a second time.
We were so unhappy for so long it was inevitable the marriage was ending. This is no accuse for his betrayal and it still hurt like hell. He should have dealt with his issues and our issues, not strayed because he knew we were doomed. But then again, I'm a fighter, not a quitter and I do not give up easily.

My issue is, now that I do feel truly happy both with my own life and my marriage, I'm a little afraid. I feel as though if anything if remotely close to this happened again I would be devastated. I would leave and never return, but would be destroyed. Is this why I still think of her? I know she is nothing, I know my FWH would never open that door again. Recently he was having a drink at a local restaurant, she came in with a friend, sat an ordered a drink and then said "Oh, you're still alive" (he never returned her called after a pregnancy claim). He just responded "yup," and left. Yes he told me right away. He truly wishes she would disappear so we would never have to deal with her again, and knows it is all his fault.
This all being true WHY do I still think of her?

2married2quit posted 6/19/2013 16:46 PM

I don't know how far out from DDAY you are so I couldn't really say. For me it was hard to let go of OM because 1, he was my friend and 2, my WW was basically in "love" with him. So it was like the guy was right here between us every single freak'n day for months.

Since the day she let him go, it was so much easier, but the thought of him does come to my mind. I want to drive by where they used to work and just look at his car. I don't know why?

Your WH has made it clear that she's out, but we always think...hmmmm, what if she/he is still thinking about her/him?

I'm a fighter, not a quitter and I do not give up easily.

This is me too!

crazyblindsided posted 6/19/2013 17:40 PM

what if she/he is still thinking about her/him?

This is what is always on my mind too, because if MOW is always on WH's mind I want to know so I can give him to her.

wanttofeelwhole posted 6/19/2013 17:44 PM

Fortunately, I know she is not on FWHs mind. He is disgusted by what he did and her. But she still occupies way too much space in my mind.

want_to_forgive posted 6/19/2013 18:23 PM

My H and I are divorced now but I stayed with him for many years after Dday... LTA with my best friend.

She consumed my thoughts for about a year. I finally had to make a conscious decision that I wasn't going to give her any more of my head space. I actually went so far as to wear a rubber band on my wrist and snap myself when she popped into my brain.

Thinking of her constantly was hurting me and keeping me in a very dark place. The only person I was hurting with my obsession was me.

I'm a fighter, not a quitter and I do not give up easily.

You are strong, you can figure out how to kick this B*&#h out of your head.

jo2love posted 6/19/2013 18:29 PM

want_to_forgive -

Please review the guidelines of the Recon forum and post accordingly.

A wonderful place to share your struggles, success stories and triggers while trying to reconcile.It's a long road, but you can do it! There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.

Thank you.

PhoenixGirl posted 6/20/2013 07:20 AM

I, too, regularly struggle with this. It is very ironic that I'm positive I spend significantly more time thinking about OW than fWH ever did. Even when he was seeing her! It is like she is haunting me.

I'm a bit over 2 years out and happy to say that I spend much LESS time thinking about her than I once did - but I've been going through an angry and obsessive phase so she is circling around in my thoughts way more than I'd like her to be. It doesn't help that she works where fWH and I both work, and that every day there is a chance I might see her. So, daily trigger...

Sorry you are going through this. My IC had suggested just acknowledging the thought, and then moving on. Sometimes that works for me...

wanttofeelwhole posted 6/20/2013 07:28 AM

thank you all. I'm going to try the rubber band. When it's a trigger that brings her to my mind, it doesn't bother me as much, but when it's for no reason it's just annoying.
We're about 2 1/2 years out and FWH had no issue just ending the A and never looking back. I just wish she could mean a little tome as he does to him.

Devastated777 posted 6/20/2013 21:26 PM

I have the same problem. I can't get her out of my head. It is almost like I am obsessed with her. Then the triggers are horrible. I don't sleep, I wake up thinking about him with her and having sex with her. My FWW had a LTA with this disgusting person and I'm the one suffering. He seems to have moved on. He's a narcissist. Part of the reason I still think about her and him is because he has never fully told me the truth about everything. I've figured out that the LTA lasted at least 4-6 years if not longer. Help with the thoughts please??

Zayda1 posted 6/21/2013 05:08 AM

Wantofeelwhlle I could have written your post. Similar stories, but I'm only 14 months out.

OW in my case writes a blog, and has kids in the same school as my kids. She is still very much on my mind and it terrifies me.

I have tried rubber bands, stop signs etc and nothing is working :( I'm beginning to think I won't ever get over this.

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