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A coworker recently told me I’m a fun guy, and suggested we get together outside of work. I told her that as much as I’d really like to, my life is too messed up right now and it would be a bad idea. She insisted it was just as ‘a fun friend’; that I seem like a fun person and should meet up with her and her friends. Just to have fun. I said I could do that.

Saturday evening, I met up with her and her friends. I ended up giving her a ride home. I did stay a few hours. We talked, but that was it. Nothing physical. No kissing, hand holding, nothing. Just a hug when I left.

Out of the blue, STBX is all of a sudden ready to move forward with the divorce. I get the following texts at work today:
“I am ready to divide and end it”
“There was a little bit of me that had hope but not any more”
“I honestly had been praying for an answer and its here now”

I finally answered:

Hope for what? That I’d just hang around like I have since September, as your plan B? Waiting and praying myself?”

You told <OM> you loved him back in December, and I hung around waiting and praying.

You never told me the truth about anything.

You never tried to help me heal.

You started taking birth control.

You went down to see <OM>, and I waited for you.

You’re going down there, to see him, this week (with the kids).

What am I supposed to do? Just continue to wait around and hope you might choose me?

I’m worth more than that.

She wrote back, “yes you are. Next week we will end it. I will get the rest of my stuff out as soon as I can.” She also wrote back telling me she wasn’t planning on seeing <OM> even though he lives in the city she’s visiting. She asked me to never contact anyone in her family ever again. No birthday cards, mothers or fathers day cards, nothing. Stay away like you don’t even know them.

So NC maybe should be a bit easier now, but the divorce may have just taken on a whole nother level of complicated. I’m not dating my coworker friend. I’m not using her to manipulate my STBX. I definitely don’t want to hurt her (neither friend nor STBX for that matter).

So why do I feel sick to my stomach?

Because (and this is a guess) You have been trained to feel guilty for shit you didn't do... She is pushing the button, she installed, and you are reacting out of habit.

You know that it was already over, she wasn't trying, or hoping, but in fact she was only thinking of you as a cushy Plan B should she need it. You have 9 months of actions that back that up. Her words are words.

The lies they tell themselves are selective and delusional. Ignore. And if you want a relationship with her family... hell, that is between you and them. If you don't - no biggie.

Shields up - this is just b/s. And crickets to her next time.

[This message edited by Take2 at 5:44 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

I know she is a woman but this is a mantrum.

Ignore.

This is about control. Her widdle feelings were hurt because she heard you were in the company of another female. Whoop-di-do. It doesn't matter if you are or are not dating. You didn't set out to hurt anyone.

You feel sick to your stomach because you are used to being manipulated in this way - you are NOT used to not bending.

Don't let her control you anymore. DO NOT RESPOND or even read these texts. Delete them as soon as you realise they are not kid/finance related.

She doesn't get to control who you talk to anymore than you could control who she cheated on you with.

Curiosity kills the cat - it also delays healing.

Fuck.That.Shit. and FTG(irl).

I've noticed the sad clown amps up the crazy when I've been hanging out with platonic and not platonic friends. I have no idea how he knows and quite frankly I don't care. That there is his business - not mine.

You feel sick because you're a good shit. You don't want anyone hurt, and you're accustomed to thinking it's your fault.

Let's try and activate your "inner prick".

Repeat after me: "Ha ha ha, her feelings are hurt! Ha ha ha!"

That should help.

Did she know you were hanging out with friends?

If not. Then her reasons for moving toward divorce have nothing to do with your actions.

Her actions are hers to own, your actions are yours. You've acted with integrity... she can't say that.

Hugs,

K

Quick question here. How does she know you went out ? Is she following you or having her friends do it ? Not for nothing that's psycho behavior. Being that she has done much worse I find her behavior childish and hypocritical. Bro, you did nothing wrong. Let her file and be rid of that disease. Hey, your already getting hit on and asked out. So when your ready you should not have a problem trading up from your cheating W.

I too am having problems not reacting to the buttons he installed.
In his eyes its all my fault...i wasn't the one on my couch with someone who wasn't my spouse.

She knows how to push your buttons...fuck that..don't let her.
Delete Delete Delete..and silence is golden!!!

Let her file, let yourself move on to the next chapter.

Sucks about her family..my former inlaws won't even speak to me. Makes it hard to interact with them for the kids

I waited for 9 months, waited for the shitface to choose me.

You feel sick because now there is a finality to now. And end to that life, and end to those feelings.
Ending hurt,and sometimes even beginnings do, but you will be a better person

My STBX told me not to contact his family, too. Turns out they never said that. I think she's just saying that to try to hurt you, like cut you off from people, but I would bet her family never said anything like that. I think a lot of waywards like to tell lies to keep people in their life away from each other (hence making it easier to lie to people). If his family and I had talked more, I would have caught him cheating much sooner since he was lying about going over there when he was actually spending time with the bitch OW..

I would say you feel sick because you realize she is trying to manipulate you, and that hurts worse than her just being honest.. I would believe the opposite of everything she said. She's not ready to divide anything, she never had hope, and she hasn't been praying for an answer. FTB. She's just trying to make you feel bad. Don't let her..

After declaring she would take me for all I'm worth, "I was so stupid to think you were not looking. So stupid to think I wanted back. So stupid to think you were honest. You are no different than anyone else. I thank god I saw it. You said you wouldn't date til this was over. Bullshit. And here in town. Fuck you."

Is this a good example of irony?

Yeah, I quit responding. I filed in April. She's dragged her feet.

I'll never forget when the X showed up to get his things after the D settlement. He told me he thought I'd planned the whole thing, and that I took everything!!!

Facts - HE CHEATED - HE FILED, HE MADE THE SETTLEMENT OFFER - I just said yes!

You can't make sense of nonsense!

Irony is indeed lost on the stupid.

FTSRB (Fuck.That.Self.Righteous.Bitch.)

KOM, you have been more faithful in S than all of our Xs were during these toxic Ms. You are being faithful to yourself now - don't be tempted to defend yourself. Even if it was a date, even if you were banging everything that moved - she lost rights to you the minute she crossed boundaries in the M.

Brace yourself for the crazy to ramp up - it would have happened whether or not you did anything to 'cause' it. We are a constant reminder to them of how how fucked up they are and they simply cannot stand it.

I'm so not looking forward to the crazy when I'm actually IN a relationship.

Oh my god, how does she even know you went out? And yes, irony...ignore that crap. It's from the playbook.

Agree with the other, this is pure manipulation. You are feeling sick about it because you have been trained to be that way....I totally get it.

She is expecting you to fall on your knees and beg her not to proceed. And, it is super creepy that she seems to know about how you spend your time.

I would check your place for a VAR, dude.

NC and Fuck that Manipulative Cow (FMC)

I have a crazy WW also. You can't argue with crazy.

She should have stopped after "I'm so stupid...". That, in and of itself, is a complete statement of fact. The rest is just bullshit manipulation.

You know, forever after the divorce will be your fault. She was going to come back to you and give it another chance. Oh yes, she sure was.

Do not, DO NOT, give her any information about the time that you spent with that co-worker. It is NONE of her business. Do not defend yourself. Do not explain. Crickets.

Got nice text messages this morning apologizing for cursing me. I do wonder if she really is hurting. I just replied thanks and have a good trip.

I don't think she's actively stalking me. i live in a small-ish, gossippy town, so i wouldn't be difficut to spot. Plus, she's had no reason to stalk me. I would be the most boring person on the planet to follow. I pretty much work, run, cycle, take care of my house and my kids. i really don't enjoy the bar scene. i would bore the stalker to death.

That is the thing about STBX's, they don't really want you, but they don't want anyone else to either. They want to think that you will wait until the end of time for them to get their head out of their ass and then they want to half-ass try again, but not really.

When I found out XWH#1 was having another EA?PA with an 18yr old, I finally kicked him to the curb. He of course came back one day apoligizing and then the next told me I couldn't tell him who he could be friends with. I just said OK then, I have your choice and turned around and walked away. I filed for D the next day. He was so pissed. Then when I started to date WH#2 a few months later, he really went ape shit and accused me of having an affair all along and that is the reason I kicked him out. He couldn't believe that someone else might actually want me and I was going through with the divorce. I had to go totally NC in order to make him stop harassing me. He even tried to tell my WH#2 lies about me at my daughter's high school graduation. Of course WH#2 took the high road and just walked away from him. He wanted to punch him in the face, but I told him just to ignore him. After the D I only spoke to the XWH#1 when I absolutely had to for a few years. We have since been able to be civil most of the time and he finally got over it I guess. I don't real care one way or the other anymore. He is now just somebody that I used to know and was married to for 20+ yrs.

Their own guilt is the reason they do this. In order to make themselves feel better, they have to blame shift. It is what they have always used as a coping mechanism and the D doesn't change that. They don't want to think they are the reason you filed or starting seeing other people after you figured out the marriage was over. Just ignore her crazy and get on with your NB.