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Newest Member: Shattered31 (45724)

User Topic: Interesting turn of events. She's pissed now
KeepOnMovin
♂ 38245
Member # 38245
What?  Posted: 5:28 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A coworker recently told me I’m a fun guy, and suggested we get together outside of work. I told her that as much as I’d really like to, my life is too messed up right now and it would be a bad idea. She insisted it was just as ‘a fun friend’; that I seem like a fun person and should meet up with her and her friends. Just to have fun. I said I could do that.

Saturday evening, I met up with her and her friends. I ended up giving her a ride home. I did stay a few hours. We talked, but that was it. Nothing physical. No kissing, hand holding, nothing. Just a hug when I left.

Out of the blue, STBX is all of a sudden ready to move forward with the divorce. I get the following texts at work today:
“I am ready to divide and end it”
“There was a little bit of me that had hope but not any more”
“I honestly had been praying for an answer and its here now”

I finally answered:

Hope for what? That I’d just hang around like I have since September, as your plan B? Waiting and praying myself?”

You told <OM> you loved him back in December, and I hung around waiting and praying.

You never told me the truth about anything.

You never tried to help me heal.

You started taking birth control.

You went down to see <OM>, and I waited for you.

You’re going down there, to see him, this week (with the kids).

What am I supposed to do? Just continue to wait around and hope you might choose me?

I’m worth more than that.

She wrote back, “yes you are. Next week we will end it. I will get the rest of my stuff out as soon as I can.” She also wrote back telling me she wasn’t planning on seeing <OM> even though he lives in the city she’s visiting. She asked me to never contact anyone in her family ever again. No birthday cards, mothers or fathers day cards, nothing. Stay away like you don’t even know them.

So NC maybe should be a bit easier now, but the divorce may have just taken on a whole nother level of complicated. I’m not dating my coworker friend. I’m not using her to manipulate my STBX. I definitely don’t want to hurt her (neither friend nor STBX for that matter).

So why do I feel sick to my stomach?


Me: BH
Her: who cares?
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 389 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Take2
♀ 23890
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because (and this is a guess) You have been trained to feel guilty for shit you didn't do... She is pushing the button, she installed, and you are reacting out of habit.

You know that it was already over, she wasn't trying, or hoping, but in fact she was only thinking of you as a cushy Plan B should she need it. You have 9 months of actions that back that up. Her words are words.

The lies they tell themselves are selective and delusional. Ignore. And if you want a relationship with her family... hell, that is between you and them. If you don't - no biggie.

Shields up - this is just b/s. And crickets to her next time.

[This message edited by Take2 at 5:44 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4166 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know she is a woman but this is a mantrum.

Ignore.

This is about control. Her widdle feelings were hurt because she heard you were in the company of another female. Whoop-di-do. It doesn't matter if you are or are not dating. You didn't set out to hurt anyone.

You feel sick to your stomach because you are used to being manipulated in this way - you are NOT used to not bending.

Don't let her control you anymore. DO NOT RESPOND or even read these texts. Delete them as soon as you realise they are not kid/finance related.

She doesn't get to control who you talk to anymore than you could control who she cheated on you with.

Curiosity kills the cat - it also delays healing.

Fuck.That.Shit. and FTG(irl).

I've noticed the sad clown amps up the crazy when I've been hanging out with platonic and not platonic friends. I have no idea how he knows and quite frankly I don't care. That there is his business - not mine.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5656 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You feel sick because you're a good shit. You don't want anyone hurt, and you're accustomed to thinking it's your fault.

Let's try and activate your "inner prick".

Repeat after me: "Ha ha ha, her feelings are hurt! Ha ha ha!"

That should help.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did she know you were hanging out with friends?

If not. Then her reasons for moving toward divorce have nothing to do with your actions.

Her actions are hers to own, your actions are yours. You've acted with integrity... she can't say that.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5529 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
stronger08
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick question here. How does she know you went out ? Is she following you or having her friends do it ? Not for nothing that's psycho behavior. Being that she has done much worse I find her behavior childish and hypocritical. Bro, you did nothing wrong. Let her file and be rid of that disease. Hey, your already getting hit on and asked out. So when your ready you should not have a problem trading up from your cheating W.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5825 | Registered: Nov 2007
brokenfinger
♀ 39586
Member # 39586
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too am having problems not reacting to the buttons he installed.
In his eyes its all my fault...i wasn't the one on my couch with someone who wasn't my spouse.

She knows how to push your buttons...fuck that..don't let her.
Delete Delete Delete..and silence is golden!!!

Let her file, let yourself move on to the next chapter.

Sucks about her family..my former inlaws won't even speak to me. Makes it hard to interact with them for the kids

I waited for 9 months, waited for the shitface to choose me.

You feel sick because now there is a finality to now. And end to that life, and end to those feelings.
Ending hurt,and sometimes even beginnings do, but you will be a better person


There is no stronger message, then dirt in your face.

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
ButterflyGirl
♀ 38377
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBX told me not to contact his family, too. Turns out they never said that. I think she's just saying that to try to hurt you, like cut you off from people, but I would bet her family never said anything like that. I think a lot of waywards like to tell lies to keep people in their life away from each other (hence making it easier to lie to people). If his family and I had talked more, I would have caught him cheating much sooner since he was lying about going over there when he was actually spending time with the bitch OW..

I would say you feel sick because you realize she is trying to manipulate you, and that hurts worse than her just being honest.. I would believe the opposite of everything she said. She's not ready to divide anything, she never had hope, and she hasn't been praying for an answer. FTB. She's just trying to make you feel bad. Don't let her..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2667 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
KeepOnMovin
♂ 38245
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After declaring she would take me for all I'm worth, "I was so stupid to think you were not looking. So stupid to think I wanted back. So stupid to think you were honest. You are no different than anyone else. I thank god I saw it. You said you wouldn't date til this was over. Bullshit. And here in town. Fuck you."

Is this a good example of irony?

Yeah, I quit responding. I filed in April. She's dragged her feet.


Me: BH
Her: who cares?
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 389 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Take2
♀ 23890
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll never forget when the X showed up to get his things after the D settlement. He told me he thought I'd planned the whole thing, and that I took everything!!!

Facts - HE CHEATED - HE FILED, HE MADE THE SETTLEMENT OFFER - I just said yes!

You can't make sense of nonsense!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4166 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Irony is indeed lost on the stupid.

FTSRB (Fuck.That.Self.Righteous.Bitch.)

KOM, you have been more faithful in S than all of our Xs were during these toxic Ms. You are being faithful to yourself now - don't be tempted to defend yourself. Even if it was a date, even if you were banging everything that moved - she lost rights to you the minute she crossed boundaries in the M.

Brace yourself for the crazy to ramp up - it would have happened whether or not you did anything to 'cause' it. We are a constant reminder to them of how how fucked up they are and they simply cannot stand it.

I'm so not looking forward to the crazy when I'm actually IN a relationship.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5656 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Coraline
♀ 36434
Member # 36434
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my god, how does she even know you went out? And yes, irony...ignore that crap. It's from the playbook.


Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
Bravenewgirl
♀ 36267
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 4:00 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with the other, this is pure manipulation. You are feeling sick about it because you have been trained to be that way....I totally get it.

She is expecting you to fall on your knees and beg her not to proceed. And, it is super creepy that she seems to know about how you spend your time.

I would check your place for a VAR, dude.

NC and Fuck that Manipulative Cow (FMC)


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
kenny55
♂ 23014
Member # 23014
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a crazy WW also. You can't argue with crazy.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Feb 2009
Snapdragon
♀ 4286
Member # 4286
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She should have stopped after "I'm so stupid...". That, in and of itself, is a complete statement of fact. The rest is just bullshit manipulation.

You know, forever after the divorce will be your fault. She was going to come back to you and give it another chance. Oh yes, she sure was.

Do not, DO NOT, give her any information about the time that you spent with that co-worker. It is NONE of her business. Do not defend yourself. Do not explain. Crickets.


Divorced - recovered and hoping to help.

"We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again" ~Pink


Posts: 3090 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Midwest
KeepOnMovin
♂ 38245
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got nice text messages this morning apologizing for cursing me. I do wonder if she really is hurting. I just replied thanks and have a good trip.

I don't think she's actively stalking me. i live in a small-ish, gossippy town, so i wouldn't be difficut to spot. Plus, she's had no reason to stalk me. I would be the most boring person on the planet to follow. I pretty much work, run, cycle, take care of my house and my kids. i really don't enjoy the bar scene. i would bore the stalker to death.


Me: BH
Her: who cares?
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 389 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
TrustGone
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is the thing about STBX's, they don't really want you, but they don't want anyone else to either. They want to think that you will wait until the end of time for them to get their head out of their ass and then they want to half-ass try again, but not really.

When I found out XWH#1 was having another EA?PA with an 18yr old, I finally kicked him to the curb. He of course came back one day apoligizing and then the next told me I couldn't tell him who he could be friends with. I just said OK then, I have your choice and turned around and walked away. I filed for D the next day. He was so pissed. Then when I started to date WH#2 a few months later, he really went ape shit and accused me of having an affair all along and that is the reason I kicked him out. He couldn't believe that someone else might actually want me and I was going through with the divorce. I had to go totally NC in order to make him stop harassing me. He even tried to tell my WH#2 lies about me at my daughter's high school graduation. Of course WH#2 took the high road and just walked away from him. He wanted to punch him in the face, but I told him just to ignore him. After the D I only spoke to the XWH#1 when I absolutely had to for a few years. We have since been able to be civil most of the time and he finally got over it I guess. I don't real care one way or the other anymore. He is now just somebody that I used to know and was married to for 20+ yrs.

Their own guilt is the reason they do this. In order to make themselves feel better, they have to blame shift. It is what they have always used as a coping mechanism and the D doesn't change that. They don't want to think they are the reason you filed or starting seeing other people after you figured out the marriage was over. Just ignore her crazy and get on with your NB.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 17

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