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wh and porn

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seekingtomorrow posted 6/19/2013 18:54 PM

my wh is still struggling with pornography, pornography was always something i was unhappy with butt is something we have both said must now (post D-Day) stop as it very much featured in the escalation of his wayward behaviour. currently i ask him daily how he has coped with it that day and sometimes he tells me he has been fine and will tell me about any temptations and what he did instead other days he is open and confesses a slip and we will try to discuss what things have helped in the past, he is adamant that the shame of admitting when he slips up will help him but im not sure its going to be that easy. we did consider parent controls on his devises with me holding he password to reduce his access, but then he does use the devises for work when he travels away and some of his legitimate work would not get though he parent controls.

Kelany posted 6/19/2013 20:09 PM

12 step program.

You can *not* be in control of his recovery. You can't be in charge of parental controls, etc. He has to learn proper coping skills.

SA 12 step a way to do this. Therapy with a CSAT.

But you??? Can't be tasked with conntrolling aspects of his recovery. If he's serious, he needs to look into SA.

letitout posted 6/19/2013 20:28 PM

My WH has been addicted to porn since 12yo. He collected it throughout our 28 yo M in secret. After Dday I told him no more. He agreed then lied to me about watching it. He knows it degrades me being 55 and him watching 20 yo. He again agreed not to watch it. We will see. I can not control him, he has to do that on his own. He doesn't think he is a SA so treatment is not an option for us, but he has agreed to counseling and that is a start.

seekingtomorrow posted 6/20/2013 05:47 AM

thank you ladies, I did actually find some e-mails on his account that pre-dated D-Day which were confirming membership to an addiction support website. he said he signed up when he tried to get and handle on what he was doing but found he couldn't seem to get it under control. I've been doing some reading and they talk about sex addicts and love/romance addicts. he seems to have traits of both which doesn't seem to be uncommon,,

outtanowhere posted 6/20/2013 06:16 AM

I would suggest the book written by Patrick Carnes "Out Of The Shadows" to address this porn issue. Many men with a porn addiction have behaviors that have been escalated as a result of the porn such as ONS, use of prostitutes & seeking behavior. Please arm yourselves with knowledge and hopefully save yourselves from the devastating fall out that this addiction will most certainly bring later down the road if left unchecked. My H is SA but never would have admitted to it. It was brought out in IC where he was given a test which he passed with flying colors. He was so shocked that he started attending SAA that very week! His behavior had already escalated to anonymous sex & prostitutes before I even knew there was a problem.

I highly recommend that you get this book. It just could save you some future heartache if you can understand the warning signals. I wish that I had read it in time.

seekingtomorrow posted 6/20/2013 07:23 AM

Thankyou,, ill definitely look that up, wh seems to have some awareness of the addiction his behaviour suggests. I asked him why he didn't discuss this with me before, he said he didn't want to make excuses or try to justify what he did. the positive is that sex addiction is discussed on the nhs website and as such if the gp agrees we may be able to get some ic on the nhs,,, which would ease some of the significant financial burden ic and mc represent.

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