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Selfishness and loss

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TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/19/2013 19:40 PM

I'm half Chinese. My mother was born in China, fled during the communist take over to Taiwan, and met my father when he was stationed there during the Vietnam War. I've always connected with my Chinese side more. I even went to Chinese school. I couldn't even begin to tell you an iota of Hungarian or Slovakian facts, which is what my dad is. My dream is to one day go to China. I want to eat real Chinese food. I want to see the landscapes. I want to see the history. A side story here: when I was little my mom told me how she helped a neighbor build a wall. I thought she helped build the Great Wall.

Don't know why this just popped into my mind but I feel a great sense of loss. I'm probably never going to make it to China now. There is no way a single mother of 3 living in Jersey could save up the money. Especially on a teacher's salary. It really is a devastating of the many losses. I swear I'm going to be psycho about selfishness in the future. The selfishness the A took away so much special. The selfishness of an unremorseful husband leading to divorce takes away more, too. I guess going to Chinatown in NYC will have to do for now.

Nature_Girl posted 6/19/2013 19:43 PM

I'm so sorry. Having to completely reinvent ourselves is a hard pill to swallow.

Related Side Note: As I continue to look for jobs I regularly see positions for English teachers in China.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/19/2013 19:45 PM

If I didn't have 3 kids I'd be on that boat. Especially to get away from Jerkface.

nowiknow23 posted 6/19/2013 19:48 PM

I understand that sense of loss. It is a given that somethings will change, and very likely that some plans and dreams will be unachievable. That being said, never say never, TCD. It may not be possible as soon as you would like, but life has a way of veering off in new directions, just when you think you've got the course figured out.


TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/19/2013 19:55 PM

Like when a multi-billionaire (I dream big) falls in love with me?

It's something I'll cry about and be angry about. But it will never take the place of being able to be a mom to my children. I'd rather see them happy.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/19/2013 20:03 PM

Sounds like you are thinking about your hopes and dreams, where you came from, and what you want in the future. All of that thinking is in the right direction, about YOU

And I agree to never say never. I was just thinking the other day, what people spend their money on really proves where their priorities are. Some people spend it on makeup, clothes, alcohol, hobbies, toys, etc. There's no reason you can't put a little bit of your spending money away here and there for your trip. It's good to have a goal!

I'm saving up for scuba diving with a friend right now (about $400). I'm giving up all my little extras here and there, putting all my bits of spending money away for that.. I can't wait! I think taking your kids would be a great experience for them, so maybe it will take a while, but I'm sure you could get there one day if you want!

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/19/2013 20:11 PM

I've got 3 kids. Maybe one can take mom to show their appreciation.

Well, first I need a full time job. That's a whole other issue.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/19/2013 20:14 PM

I know you're a music teacher, so is working for a school what you really want? When do they start hiring for the fall?

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/19/2013 20:22 PM

If I could actually do what I do now (teach privately), I would love to do that. But I couldn't teach in the afternoons and evenings as a single mom. Working in a public school gives me stability (kids can't quit and stop paying), good hours to be able to drop off and pick up my kids from where ever they are, time in the evenings and weekends for them, insurance, and decent pay that usually goes up each year. I've been looking and have applied to a few. No bites yet.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/19/2013 20:36 PM

Yeah, a school sounds like the most reliable and dependable for you.. Keep applying girl! You are so well-spoken on here, I'm sure any school would love to have you.

Dark Inertia posted 6/19/2013 20:39 PM

Substitute "Chinese" for "Korean" and I could have written your post. I am also Eurasian, and I also identified more with my mom... because I never met my American dad. I lived in a Korean community, also went to Korean school, and we spoke Korean in our home. I also have dreams of traveling overseas... not to Korea, but to a set of islands off the coast of South America. It is very expensive to go there.

My dreams almost died with my divorce. I cried, and mourned everything that I had lost and was losing. And it was my mom who got me out of my funk. Me dying inside was killing her. My depression caused major depression for her. I couldn't bear to see her struggling because of me.

I forced myself to move ahead. I had to rebuild my whole life, mentally, emotionally, financially. Now I am surprised I was ever at the low that I was at. And those lovely islands I wanted to go to? Plans are for next November, and we are on track. This is probably not what you want to hear, but your eventual divorce is NOT the end of your life. You have to pick up and carry on.

When I was a young adult my mom had a long overdue trip back to Korea for a one month stay. As children she had no assistance from our father. She worked 2-3 jobs, saved up every penny, and made a good life for my brother and I. All she had was us kids, and her motivation to be successful was us. You need to find your strength. Whether it is your kids, or you dreams, something needs to to motivate you to carry on. Good luck. *hugs*

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 8:41 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

roughroadahead posted 6/19/2013 20:44 PM

I know everything looks bleak and overwhelming so soon after you've made the decision (ok, even 6 months later, but less often) but I don't think you need to let that dream go.

You're a single mother with 3 kids now, but that only means you can't go next summer. 5-10 years down the road, you may not even be a single mother any more. Even beyond that, you won't be financially responsible for 3 kids for the rest of your life... maybe China is something that can happen in 20 years, not 10.

All this crap shows us that we never know what's around the next corner... wonderful things can also happen!

PinkJeepLady posted 6/19/2013 21:47 PM

Hey there China Doll!
That is a very cool goal, to visit China. You are SO young, it's very possible! I know your kids are young, but trust me, they grow up, very quickly I may add. You will be so surprised that someday (sooner than you think) the kids will be able to care for themselves and be busy in their own activities. You WILL find time to follow your dreams, if there is a will, there is a way!
What you can do in the meantime is decorate your home with beautiful things from China, have a fun little dinner party for the kiddies with Chinese food and start to plan your trip. Where will you go? What time of year would be the best? Start mapping it have to see it to acheive it! I believe in you!
I am on a trip for work in a very fun city which I have never been before, it's not China, but it's enjoyable. You just never know!
Here is another thought, what if after your divorce, you met a wonderful man who happens to be from China and would love to take you there to visit his lovely family??!! He doesn't have to be a millionair, people with normal incomes also go on trips to China!
I say, go to Chinatown in NYC, how fun! Buy some fun things to put on your wall.
Never stop believing in yourself and hang onto your dreams! A lot of people go through life not knowing what they want, at least you know what YOU want, that's half the battle!
Take care,

abigailadams posted 6/19/2013 21:56 PM

You will make it China or wherever you want to go. You are young! I have been to China twice at age 45 to adopt my DD and at 51 to take her back when she was 5. I have been sad too thinking that the divorce will prevent me from taking her again but I am beginning to think I will find a way.

In the meantime, TEArrific on Mott Street is our favorite place. Great bubble tea and wonderful sticky rice and dumplings.

Bluebird26 posted 6/20/2013 06:29 AM

Don't allow this situation steal your dream. Whilst you may not be able to go to China right now. You maybe able to go one day. Start putting a little money away, even if it is only a few dollars its a few dollars closer to your dream. Dreams are worth fighting for.

itainteasy posted 6/20/2013 08:13 AM

Hey TCD, I echo what everyone else says, 'Never say Never'.

When you land that job (and you will!!!!) open up a savings account and call it "The China Fund". Put $10 in every pay. $10 isn't a lot of won't take away from the kids. Make sure you can't withdraw or transfer from that account unless you go to the bank---but set up an auto withdrawal in your pay check (direct deposit).

You'll be surprised how quickly you can make that dream a reality.

Don't let go of that dream, TCD. It IS achievable.

Faithful w/Love posted 6/20/2013 08:23 AM

I also agree with everyone else.

Please don't let this steal your dream. It is just a set back for now that is all. You will overcome all this and one day you will be on a plan to China. You will think back to how you thought you would never make it there and laugh to yourself and be so DAMN proud of yourself for never letting go of your dream.

And who knows maybe you will find a millior that is head over heels in love with you and treats you like the Empress!

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/20/2013 08:30 AM

I like how you think Faithful.

Thank you everyone for the support and words of encouragement. When that thought crossed my mind I felt that vacuum in my chest and everything just get sucked, "oh no, not another thing." During what I guess was false R (because who would call what he wanted reconciliation) he had mentioned going next year. Good thing we didn't actually plan anything!

Kajem posted 6/20/2013 18:42 PM


I have a friend who was in a similar place as you several (14-15) years ago. She and her H separated. When her youngest was out of the house, she left her native country and went to china to teach. When I met her (online) she had been there for 3 years and was renewing her contract for a couple more years in a different school in a different part of China. Her kids would regularly come to visit her. She has since gone back to Canada to be closer to her family.

You CAN do this.



kernel posted 6/20/2013 19:54 PM


As others have said, don't give up on that dream of going to China. Your kids will grow up (so incredibly fast) and you'll have plenty of time to pursue your own dreams. Hang in there.

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