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Newest Member: flowerfarmer (61841)

User Topic: So tempting... digging up dirt on OW
♀ 38375
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would love to know what some of you would do with this situation.
While WH was in his A, OW convinced him to send an email to the wife of her ex-fiance, asking about the well-being of her and her ex's dog. The wife responded by accusing WH of being OW but went on to answer the question about the dog.
Anyway, OW wanted WH to respond to her and tell her that they were in a "serious relationship" or some such bull-shit (not mentioning he's married of course!) and basically convince her that he's not OW.
So long story short, the wife responds again basically warning WH about OW, gave him an email address of some woman he should contact and ask this woman about "what she(OW) did to her" and tells him that he should be careful with her, and asked how well he knew her.
OW saw this response and went ballistic, made him get rid of the email and told him he can not ask her any more questions about her past.
And now WH tells me that he can easily get this wife's email address again, that it's posted online, and he too is and has been really curious as to what she was cautioning him about. D-day was back in March, we've heard nothing from OW since (if I'm to believe WH) so there's a part of me that things I should just keep distancing ourselves from OW, but at the same time, ugh! I would love to hear some dirt her. How satisfying, right? And perhaps it would only further reinforce to WH what a nasty thing she is.
So what would you do? Try emailing this woman back and getting the full scoop? Or leave it in the past like a good, responsible victim of betrayal?

D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ 31558
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a tough one. I don't think I would have WH do the digging but it might be hard for me to resist contacting the woman, getting all the dirt and letting her know what OW did to get your WH to contact her so she can add more to her file of dirt about OW.

Mind you, I have a pathological problem with secrets so my obsessive desire to shed light on everything may not be healthy.

Me: BW a youthful 51
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 58
Married 21 years
Two sons, 18 & 19 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1585 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
♀ 35971
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I would contact her. Let her know you are the BW, thank her for trying to protect your WH by warning him and ask her if she would mind sharing that email again so you could find out what OW did to the other woman. Let her know that you just want to know exactly who you are dealing with.

If she went to the effort to warn your WH about OW, she would be curious to know the fall out.

Me - BS
WH - old
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 1569 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ 34319
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't let her have that much space in your life or head. Your WH should not be thinking about this or researching it. I would not do it myself either. I blocked her in every way I could near d day. Partly to keep her out of our lives- and to keep me or WH from wasting any moments trying to figure out what that sorry excuse for a human being is doing now. She's not worth your time or energy. And you don't want to risk no contact or stirring the pot there.

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful sons

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1486 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would absolutely contact her. What I wouldn't give if there was somebody out there whom I knew would be happy to give me (dirty scoop-type) info on the whore.

And I'm happily R'ed and it has been almost 7 years for me. I would not hesitate if I thought there was somebody out there only too happy to tell me dirt on her. I know little about "the whore." She doesn't have facebook but if she did, I sure as hell would not block her. I'd find out whatever I could.

Or leave it in the past like a good, responsible victim of betrayal?

That is the thing. I'm not a victim, and other than the early weeks and months of trauma experienced because of being cheated on, this girl stands up, dusts off and becomes a non-victim. I am not impacted by worrying about whether the whore "takes space in my head." My head has lots of room for lots of things, and finding out more dirt on the whore would still, even now, give me satisfaction.

Posts: 6841 | Registered: Apr 2006
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the one hand, getting as much info/ammo on the OW might be helpful. On the other hand, it's so much better to just torch the damn bridge.

I mean, don't you already know this beez is cray cray?!?

(Sorry, you get "Jrazz-at-1am" slang)


[This message edited by Jrazz at 3:00 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

Posts: 29076 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I would contact this lady. First off, I would have my WH apologize to her. Second, this isn't the OW, so the NC thing isn't broken. Third, as the OW in our situation is a junior bunny boiler, I need as much info as I can get to protect ourselves.

How can these OW's get men to do this crazy shit? The OW in our situation got several different men to call me to try to get my FWH's cell phone number and to get information in general. These are grown ass men, not teenagers! And, OW is no beauty.

I recently called the first ex-husband of the OW. I needed information, and he is one of the men that OW had call me to get FWH's phone number (after their affair was over, but before I knew about it). I am 3 years post d-day and I am so glad I made that call. It confirmed what I thought, gave me some new info and shed new light on just how evil the OW was. I just wish I had made the call earlier.

BTW, Bobbi_sue is spot on!

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 13449 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
♀ 38851
Member # 38851
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would love to dig up some dirt on the OW, like what happened to the fathers of her 2 children. Neither one of them is a part of their child's lives. OW told WH that first guy used to beat her up, second guy wanted her to stay home and look after the kids.

2 kids, 2 different dads, and no contact with them, something not right. WH is a dad to her 10 yr old son. While our children have been abandoned by him.

OW has done stuff that I have found out, discovered many lies which I informed WH of, but alas he is still with her.

I have never met her nor do I want to but my opinion of her is dead on, and some of my opinion has been based on stuff WH has told me about her too.

Find out what info this woman has, for your own protection!!!

I don't trust the OW in my situation and am quite prepared to get a restraining order if I need one. She grew up "on the wrong side of town" so I am sure she has connections, dont trust it one bit

Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would I contact this woman? Yes,yes I would. Yesterday.

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 9

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