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Help?! WS won't seem to file but is cheating & moved out

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shockandconfused posted 6/19/2013 21:47 PM

Still trying to get my head around things. It's been 2 months and he just never really tried or seems truly remorseful. Started up the affair again shortly after he told me about it and moved out to an expensive month-to-month, but he still won't file. We're just not communicating. I think he's just waiting for me to do it? I still don't understand why he didn't even try to work on our marriage at all after 11 yrs. So hurtful.

I found out the OW is five yrs younger and has a less sophisticated job, but my exact same name, same college, same major, same type of internship and abroad travel, same small Midwestern town upbringing, looks sort of like me, and also has a younger sister.

I don't even know how to begin to process all of this. He bailed on me the year he got successful after we spent the last 3 years scrapping and building his business back up post-recession.

I'm in IC, but thoughts and suggestions on what to do next? I just can't believe it's over in a snap, but I guess I just need to file and be done rather than keep on in this awful status quo? So sad. How do you stop loving when they don't care?

My 35th bday is tomorrow :(

stillhere09 posted 6/19/2013 22:06 PM


I'm so sorry! Words just can't express how my heart goes out to you.

Perhaps you need to file and focus on your new life without him, and take steps to make it exciting and fun for you. I know that's hard to hear right now, but at this point, you must make it all about you.

This doesn't mean that there's no hope that he will never get his head on straight, but it will empower you emotionally, and this is what you need whether he ever wakes up or not.

Be sure to drink lots of water and eat right. Go No Contact with him. Get enough activity during the day to drop exhaustedly into bed at night so that you can sleep, and take time each day to make some sort of plan for a rosy future for yourself, even if all you do is daydream about it. It will begin to look more and more appealing, and then you will take steps towards that.

It may feel like he has all the power right now, but he doesn't realize that when he is ready to come crawling back to you, you will be the one to decide if he has that option or not. You will have it all together.

As for tomorrow, Happy Birthday, and I hope you have a close friend or family member to share it with.

Hugs to you!

shockandconfused posted 6/19/2013 22:13 PM

Thanks so much. I guess know in my heart it's all true. I didn't want the marriage to end, but I can't do it myself and it seems like he's just doing whatever he wants waiting for me yet again to do the heavy lifting. I guess sometimes life is just unfair. Now I just have to find the courage to face the fear of the future and my dying dreams.

I was hoping to have a baby this year and all my close friends have just had children, so I think that is making it harder to move forward alone.

People say he might try to come back, but I don't get it. And I'm struggling with why I feel deep down like I would even want him to after all this. He's got a new girl, good job, and he just doesn't seem to care about me or our marriage at all despite all of our history.

stillhere09 posted 6/19/2013 23:09 PM

Ah, the dying dreams . . . I know the feeling. But your reality may be more beautiful than anything you could ever have dreamed once you get on your feet. It was for me.

As for fearing the future, I did, too. Once I decided to go it alone and stepped out there, though, I looked towards it as a challenge, and I was up to that challenge. I dared to put more and more things I wanted in my future, determined to have them. I have obtained nearly all of them and I know I'll have every one of them in due time. It gives me something to work towards. What are your favorite things? Your passion, your hobbies, interests? You can do anything you want to now. Classes, painting, acting, singing, dancing, a small business - It can be yours. Focus on your future.


I know it's hard.

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