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Do I send an email or no?

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FeelingSoMuch posted 6/19/2013 23:17 PM

I joined a sports team with my company. We play other companies in the same field.

The tournament, and there's only one tournament, is this Saturday.

My WW is coming to watch. We found out yesterday that the OM is playing for his company's team.

Do I send him an email and ask him to respectfully stay away or is that going to just make things worse? I'd hate to see him on the playing field.

mainlyinpain posted 6/19/2013 23:44 PM

I am so sorry you are struggling with this FSM. If I understand, you play for your team and the OM plays for his team and your WW will be watching you play against each other? And she belongs to the company that the OM is playing on? You should never have been put in this position. Is there NC between your wife and the OM? Is there anyone else who knows the story who could intervene so it wouldn't have to be you? I just don't see him not showing up for his team though.
Dream job or not, your wife should be willing and offering to get another job IMHO and start working on a dream marriage and not putting you in this position.

Knowing posted 6/20/2013 02:37 AM

NC, including for you, is a better idea.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. What is your plan for dealing with the triggers and uncomfortable feelings together as a husband-and-wife team? Your energies are better spent getting through this together.

He could have been anyone.

still-living posted 6/20/2013 07:09 AM

You are early in your recovery and emotions are still raw. I would insist the my wife not attend, and I would seriously consider not attending myself.

AFrayedKnot posted 6/20/2013 07:17 AM

At about 7 months in I contacted the OM and asked him to stay away from a certain event so my fWS could attend comfortably. He was not remorseful at all and was actually confrontational. Nothing good was accomplished and I hated myself for trying to bargain with him. We have chosen to avoid any event with possible interaction with him since. It is not fair but it is the healthiest option because we can only control our part.
I am sorry you are in this position .

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 6/20/2013 09:04 AM

Personally? I would play. I would have FWH attend as planned. And I wouldn't even give OM (in our case OW) a second thought. BUT that took awhile to get to the point I could do that. I was not, and will not, let some whore dictate where I can go, what I do and whether or not I attend certain functions.

I agree that NC is the best way to go. You could easily call him and ask him not to go and then he'll still go, and make a big deal out of everything- making things even worse. You can't control his actions, only yours.

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/20/2013 09:37 AM

I'm going to attend. I hate the idea of losing even more of my life to the a--hole.

I suspect that if he received an email from me he would either ignore it or be confrontational.

Would it also not make him feel uncomfortable? He needs to remember that now that I know he exists, if he wants to take anything else away from me he'll have to do it to my face.

He's a coward, so he might back down and not attend, no?

WW has work-related contact with him still. Over email only and as part of email groups, not one-to-one, I'm told. They work on the same floor.

losingmyground posted 6/20/2013 12:31 PM

DO NOT send him a message. If it is that big of a deal to you, then you should bow out.

If you chose to go....then be respectful and hold your head high. I would also make a big deal of PDAs with your wife.

mainlyinpain posted 6/20/2013 15:46 PM

FSM you are very strong.
In this situation, if the a-hole has no remorse and doesn't stay away himself, I would be more comfortable with my WS not in the stands watching. You want to go and be there for yourself and your team, and ideally you would want her there, but for me I could not endure both you having to see him and the knowledge that she is in the stands seeing him and him seeing her in the stands. So I would have her stay away from game and maybe join you in any after parties. I would more want the NC enforced between them that you are right only you and she can enforce than have her be at a function that he is at. Sorry you have to endure this situation.

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/23/2013 16:02 PM

Here's how it went.

I did not send an email asking the OM to stay away. Our teams were in different brackets and played on different fields.

It rained all day and a lot of games were cancelled.

We did not play each other. I never saw him. His other teammates, who are also work colleagues of my WW came over to say 'hi' to the two of us. They don't know.

In the end, nothing was done and nothing happened. Best outcome under the circumstances.

SI Staff posted 6/23/2013 17:11 PM

Feelingsomuch and Mainlyinpain,

Please follow the guidelines of the Reconciliation forum.

There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.

Thank you.

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