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hurt314 posted 6/20/2013 00:26 AM

I haven't been around much for a long time. I still read sometimes but don't comment much. Coming here is hard for me. I used to always post in R but finally realized I don't really fit there.

Also I know he checks on here occasionally to see what I have written, so I can't really say anything without starting a fight here at home.

Things here are much the same as they have been. This is a hard time of year for me (A happened at the end of June) but this year I'm trying to just enjoy the fact that I'm not working (this was my first year back as a full-time teacher, and was very hard to leave my kids).

It's hard. It's on my mind a lot and lately I've been experiencing this horrible crushing sadness in waves. Like flashes of how felt when i first found out. The kind of feeling that would bring me to my knees but now it's quick and gone. It turns into this dull ache that I can push down so I can be a good mom for my girls, and I spent way too much time not being there for them. And all of it cost me being a SAHM, so now I'm not even with them during the day.

I still feel mostly alone with my thoughts and feelings. I know better than to say anything about them - but sometimes I do anyway and regret it.

I guess I'm just still moving toward acceptance. It's funny. I thought I got there over a year ago, but I think truly accepting my reality is still happening, and it's still hard.

wannabenormal posted 6/20/2013 00:32 AM

I'll be blunt; sounds to me, correct me if I'm wrong, the reconciling y'all did was YOU stifling your feelings and y'all just move on as if he just fucked up once?

That's pretty neat and tidy for him; don't rock the boat by bringing up 'that'. You chose to stay so deal?

Not cool. Not okay, of course you're triggering because you've never resolved anything and it's D-day time again.

I'm sorry. ((hurt314))

confused615 posted 6/20/2013 08:40 AM

Im sorry things haven't improved. Im also sorry that you feel you can't post here without pissing him off. You need a place to talk about all of this,especially since you can't talk to him.


Getting to Happy posted 6/20/2013 11:05 AM

Welcome to the 'Antiversery Blues'.

Feel better ((((Hurt314))))

wannabenormal may have a point. If you engage in rugsweeping to keep the peace the one who suffers is YOU.

Please consider allowing your self to grieve your lost innocents in you marriage.

We all know that the paradigm of your marriage has drastically changed. If you are not will to discuss your feelings with your WH, maybe IC is for you.

There should be an outlet for this pain. Don't implode because you put everyone else first.

I can tell that you are a good Mom, but you can be that much better when your mental health improves.

It's a shame to think that you must heal yourself without help from your spouse when you live together. No FAIR. He can do better.

Sometimes you just have to 'do you'. Which is the antithesis of being married! Really! What happened to "Two become One"?

Take Care.

hurt314 posted 6/20/2013 11:15 AM

Thank you all, and yes wannabenormal, that is pretty close.

Day to day things aren't so bad. And I do want to get into IC at some point but finding the time and money is hard!

Sometimes what is the hardest is that our marriage is really the same as it was pre-A, which is not a great thing.

We had a ton of talks after d day and I thought we were on the upswing, that he was really committed to working together to change our lives. It just wasn't sustainable.

Right now my goal is to keep things as stable as I can for my girls. We put them through a lot of upheaval with d day and moving and my h losing his job and me going back to work.

I know I sounded very complain-y... I know I can vent here a little, but like I said, day to day is not terrible. Things have improved since the really bad fighting we were having a few months ago.

As you all know, anti-versaries are hard. It's a rough time of year and I still think a lot about all those choices he made to betray our family again and again.

And getting to happy ... Right? But most of the word and promises at my wedding were meaningless gestures, clearly.

huRtZ413 posted 6/20/2013 12:01 PM

just thought its crazy how our user name is similar ...i get what you mean about the WS reading your stuff though he knows i have an account and doesnt seem to mind so much (but he thinks its weird tell other ppl our stuff) i still get paranoid he will see my post and it will start something even though i know im just speaking out of hurt and im not doing anything wrong i guess i dont want to see the parts where i bash him we are trying to R so yeah and or thoughts of me getting even , though i know i wont do that.

1Faith posted 6/20/2013 13:02 PM


I am sorry you feel stuck. I think we all want to fast track our healing and just move on. That is so normal.

The anniversary is a hard time for most as well. So please be kind and gentle with yourself.

This is a process that takes times. I have noticed and have read in various places that the average time is 2.5 to 5 years to heal.

I found that sharing everything I was going through with my husband helped tremendously. Why do you feel you can't discuss this openly and honestly with your husband?

I am more than two years since D-day and I still need at times to talk to my husband about what he did and how it has affected us.

I have told him that I will never and can never forget what he did, but I can learn to live with it and with him.

So take deep breaths, talk to your husband, not just about what he did but about how you feel, enjoy your children and know that it will get better.


hurt314 posted 6/21/2013 01:47 AM

hurtz413 - I noticed the same thing with our usernames a few days ago!

My H used to not seem to mind when I posted here, but now I can tell he does. I think he just wants it to be over, and me posting here means it's not over.

1Faith - We are a little over two years out as well. I think I'm on the slow train to healing. Talking about it doesn't happen here anymore, and I guess that's ok. I mean, it's not, I wish I had someone to talk to, but right now I'm working on keeping the peace. Talking about it just starts fights and I end up feeling bad about myself. I'm glad that you can talk about it - I do still like reading success stories on here. I'm always happy to know there are people who are making it.

hurt314 posted 6/21/2013 01:54 AM

I just had a thought - I know this sounds like rug-sweeping. In a way, it is. For him, I'm pretty sure it is. But for me, in my head and my heart, I haven't.

The knowledge is there for me every moment, and I know what it means for me and for my marriage. I've had to makes some choices about how to live my life right now to provide the most stable and safe home for my family. I'm not always happy, no... but I find little bits of happiness where I can. And that's enough right now. It has to be.

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