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A small post for some, a big one for me

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Sam793 posted 6/20/2013 04:52 AM

I could never accept that I had any feelings for my AP. I was in denial. My BW said that I had to because the A was so long. I can't say I was in love but I have thought it through. I will say that I had to care for her. I cared that she made me feel good about myself among other things so even one ounce of care equals care. This is a big step for me to make this admission. I first had to convince myself.

After D Day I just shut everything off. It doesn't matter to me what happens to my AP or how she feels. I didn't then and I still don't now. I was always talking to my BW in today's terms and not how it was during the A. I don't know why now I'm just getting it.

I found a new IC and I like him. I hope I make better progress then I have before. I saw my doctor today and had my ADs changed due to a comment made on here about other possible issues. I hope it works.

I hope to keep moving forward and learning more about myself and why I could hurt my BW as bad as someone ever could. I also would like to say I don't post on here to get pats on the back. I use it as a means of speaking what's on my mind. I find it therapy itself. I think starting to get it.

[This message edited by Sam793 at 4:54 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]

authenticnow posted 6/20/2013 05:21 AM

Good for you, Sam. Keep doing the work.

newnormal posted 6/20/2013 07:30 AM

I will say that I had to care for her. I cared that she made me feel good about myself among other things so even one ounce of care equals care. This is a big step for me to make this admission

Bs here. Thank you for taking the time for your self reflection. It will help you be able to set clear boundaries in the future. As a BW, it shows me that you understand why you crossed the line, that you are not still in fantasy land or minimizing land or blameshifting land. This is big for your BS. This issue (of fwh not being able to vocalize his feeling of care or desire) is one of the reasons we are D.

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