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Newest Member: Gypsy2017 (60730)

User Topic: Is this R for me
♀ 35803
Member # 35803
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure that I am working towards R myself.
I know that H is working hard and has made a great deal of changes for himself but I am not sure if I am doing all that I can do.
Right now I know that I am in the anger stage of this process and I often say f this in my head because I am frustrated with where I am. I do feel that there are things that H needs to improve on and we talked about this in MC. He often says that there is nothing that I need to do to improve other than let him in which is a slow process for me.
I have a lot of issues surrounding loss of people in my life. Since he has had the A I know that I have build a wall, with a barbed wire fence, and a mot around me so that I do not get hurt (mind you he was there for me through all of the losses that I had suffered since we have been married, a total of 9).
I have been very negative and as much as I have tried I did throw the A in his face one time but immediately apologized for this. It was wrong and I know it.
I just feel like lately the moments of happiness have been very infrequent lately.
I really want this to work between us but I am wondering if there has been too much damage done that I will never be happy.

BS- 37
married 13 years together 19
DD- 5/27/12
He walked out on me and the girls 5/26/12
Recovery started 9/15/12

Hoping for Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom!!!!

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: New York
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Sometimes an A is the dealbreaker. It may be your dealbreaker.

I know it takes a year for some to know what they want. Your husband left you for the OW and was gone for 4 months correct? That I wouldn't know about my spouse didn't leave me and then come back. To me that would be the hardest part I would think?
But what I always think is it would be easier for my spouse to leave and stay gone then to stay and fight for our marriage. But sometimes even that is little comfort. It is a hard road to travel.
But I always ask myself is he enough for me now? Is he doing what he needs now? If I would be out and in the single world would I be attracted to my spouse? Seriously I ask myself these things. So far my answer is yes. We have to live in the now.. If you keep holding onto the past you can never fully go forward in life.

You are early in the R process. When you get angry know that it is part of the healing and you have every right to be ticked off! Just don't let it consume your daily activities.

Are you in IC? Do you have new hobbies for yourself?? Things that you can do that get you away from it all? You need that.. Even if it is going to the gym to workout by yourself for an hour a day you need that time alone. For just you.

Good luck.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3225 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
♂ 30434
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The second year is a year of acceptance for many. You must work on yourself and process what has happened to you, otherwise, even if you walk away from your marriage, you can be setting yourself up to be rolling your walls in front of future relationships.

WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 1491 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
♀ 19636
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A lot of times, we lose the fact that processing all of the emotions related to the berayal IS our WORK.

Stuffing it, rugsweeping, minimizing it - all that tis not processing it. That is not to say we have a free license to spew venom at-will and ad-naseum. But, unfortunately, most of the processing is pretty negative.

[This message edited by JustWow at 7:29 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]

BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)

Posts: 3840 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO you're dealing with a whole bunch of conflicting thoughts and feelings, and IC probably will help you sort them out and move in the direction you want to move in.

At the same time, your H both cheated and separated. I KNOW it's hard to recover from the cheating, and I suspect that dealing with the separation makes recovery a longer, more difficult process. It makes sense to be protect yourself a lot. An IC could also evaluate where you are, which might be just where you should be.

I'm 30 months out, and our R has been very smooth (it still is an awful experience, even without big steps backward), and I still feel grief, anger, and fear much more than I did in pre-A days.

So maybe you're in good shape for R; maybe the A is a deal breaker for you. IMO, some face-to-face feedback could help you figure it out.

[This message edited by sisoon at 7:36 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]

As of September, 2017 -
fBH (me) - 70+, fWW, Married 50, together 50+, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's all I know.

Posts: 16275 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


My dday was 10/21/12. My h left me the same day. I do feel that for me that is the issue that I struggle with the most.

How could he leave me after 13 years together for a stranger.

That initial revelation, his lack of remorse, the cruelty while he was gone.

That is what just doesn't make any sense to me.

I am in IC, we are in MC and still there just seems to be no answer.

I am also unsure if I am able to R, just giving it time and working on making me feel good about me.

The only thing that I have decided is that I am not ready to decide.

I am open with my h, tell him every thing that I think and feel. Giving him the chance to do the same for me.

I don't know if he is capable of true emotional closeness but I am not ready to make a final decision either way.

The only thing that I do know now is that I want an honest relationship, vulnerability on both our parts. I will settle for nothing less.

I know for me that him leaving me and all of the events that caused pain after dday caused the bulk of the damage.

I don't know how to determine if you can r.

Are you in IC, MC?

For me, I would not be able to survive this with out it. It helps me to keep the focus on healing me and not fear the consequences, (most of the time)


"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh deleted
I attempted R, he was a lie

Posts: 3269 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Topic Posts: 6

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