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Stark raving angry...

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PhoenixGirl posted 6/20/2013 07:24 AM

It's probably been months since I posted here... Seems I had been on a level place on the roller coaster for a while. I'm 2 years, 3 months out - and I'd say generally mostly OK most of the time. fWH and I have had a good past year - spending lots of time together, communicating - he's mentally much healthier than he was during the A or in the period just after.

Me, though... the anger is flaring up. What's disconcerting is that he has done nothing wrong lately - nothing is different. I'm just mad. And disgusted - like I just wake up hating him for what he did. I find myself focusing on the things about him that bother me, which is something I didn't do for a long time into early reconciliation.

Why now after things seemed so good for so long? Any ideas? Just a normal part of the roller coaster?

forgivingnow posted 6/20/2013 08:31 AM

I think what you are feeling is normal. Even if things are going really good, it still takes a long time to process this trauma that happened to us. Things that help me are lots of exercise, writing or thinking about what I am grateful change my focus. I think about the NickelBack song "If Today Was Your Last Day" what would I do, how would I like to be feeling, who would I want to be with...and it helps me to start getting back to positive thought and feeling grateful.
I'm not saying to push away your feelings, you have every right to feel them but we do have some power to look to the positive.

PhoenixGirl posted 6/20/2013 14:15 PM

FN - I'm working on those things. Exercise? I am training sometimes 2-3 hours per day for a Half Ironman triathlon - part of my whole regaining my self confidence thing. Living like today was my last? Well, took up scuba diving and thinking about jumping out of airplanes. I'm virtually reinventing myself. There are times I'm able to be grateful for what I have now, but sometimes it seems like I'm doing all this STUFF - all these activities - essentially to mask or overwrite the underlying feelings of anger, sadness and betrayal.

Writing is a good thought - was working on some anger poetry for a while.. Anyone else have ideas? Anyone else this far out and still having flare-ups?

Rebreather posted 6/20/2013 14:28 PM


Have you told him you are angry? Shared with him these thoughts? Are you allowing yourself to be angry or do you think you should not feel this way? Maybe you need to validate your own feelings by letting yourself feel them, freely, without judgement (I sound like I am in my yoga class).

When it comes to the "I should/I shouldn'ts" feel a certain way, the "I should" ought to win out. Allow yourself the time to be angry. IME, the anger will come less frequency and less severity. But you have to honor it. You have every reason to be angry! You were treated horribly. Your inner self may just need to tell you "hey man, I'm better, but I'm still pissed off!"

And then let him know. He should be there for you and help soothe the beast. Share the anger. See if that helps.

unfound posted 6/20/2013 14:36 PM

I think those bouts are least they were for me. kind of like the residual crap that I thought was gone, but really had just festered.

yeah, that whole breathing thing he did... in, out, in, out...

there came a time when it really was just "me". nothing he did or didn't do. and what made it worse was that everything would be going along fine, then WHAM.. which to me, made it even worse, more magnified..

talk to him. let him know that it's not anything he's doing or not doing. also that it's normal, and that you may or may not need him to help you through it. that there are still some things that piss you off and even you don't know where they come from or when they'll hit. have a plan for when it happens, whether it be talking it through with him or taking a drive or retail therapy or journaling or whatever helps you through it. the both of you knowing what's going on and how it's going to be handled will help.

I had to remind myself that I was responsible at that point for what I was feeling. there was no basis in the NOW, but the past that was eating at me. sometimes it was just a ghost of affair past, other times it was me just being pissy and then realizing I was looking through the A glasses instead of the R glasses

[This message edited by unfound at 2:37 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

PhoenixGirl posted 6/20/2013 14:40 PM

I'm not completely confident that sharing it would necessarily help - he'd just get all quiet and have his own feelings of guilt. Traditionally he's not been particularly good about making me feel better if I share with him I'm in a bad spot over his A. (He's fine if I share with him OTHER reasons I'm in a bad spot, but talking about my bad feelings about his A just puts him in a pretty self absorbed spot - which, guess what, just makes me feel more angry and isolated). So, for this - I reach out to others...

I think just by coming here and sharing it, I'm working on validating my own feelings. You're right - I was treated horribly. And if he asks me if I'm upset, I'll tell him the truth. But - again, doesn't always help how I feel - which at the moment it my main goal.

PhoenixGirl posted 6/20/2013 14:49 PM

And, BTW, it's working - just having someone validate "you were treated horribly" helps a bit to let me feel it and let it go...

1Faith posted 6/20/2013 15:07 PM

I think it is completely normal because you have come to the point of the acceptance of the affair and you have generally good days and then B O O M

Dammit - "how and why did you do this" pokes it's head up.

I believe it is a coping mechanism based on not wanting to ever totally let our guard down because if we feel too good, too safe we won't be prepared if it happens again.

Anger many times comes through fear. Are you perhaps fearing things are going too well?

It is hard to trust "good" after so much bad. So, IMO, I do think it is part of the rollercoaster ride.

I think it is one of those things we have to say, I have chosen to be here. Things are better. The affair is something that happened but not something that is happening.

The WS will always be a trigger because they are the ones that caused so much pain.

Deep breaths, focus on the positive, mentally punch him in the face and then move forward.

You are doing fine.


[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:13 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

1Faith posted 6/20/2013 15:10 PM

Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight.

Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do so with no thought of any reward.

Your life will never be the same again.

-Og Mandino

[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:13 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

forgivingnow posted 6/20/2013 15:34 PM

I also feel that at this far out, some things or triggers I don't share because it would not help, I need to work thru it on my own. I'm not rug sweeping and I do share some things.

I'm glad having your feelings validated helps! We went to a MC for 2 months after dday & stopped, she wanted me to draw a line in the sand and move forward & forgive(he was still lying), we did better on our own. I got all the truth at 7 months from dday. Around 18 months from dday I was still SO sad at times and he was doing everything I went to a new IC. She validated my feelings, she told me she was so sorry this had happened to me, I did not deserve this. It felt so good to hear that. Then she had my husband come in with me and we did an exercise where I stated I felt (hurt, unloved, whatever) when you did (fill in the blank...) and had my husband repeat it back to me and apologize for each hurt I had.

(((PhoenixGirl)))I am so sorry this happened to YOU. You did not deserve to be hurt like this and it was not your fault.

It sure sounds like you are reinventing yourself and you are very strong. I don't think those activities are to mask the feelings. Good luck on your half ironman!!!

catlover50 posted 6/20/2013 15:48 PM


I'm not as far out as you are (someday!) but have similiar episodes of anger or sadness. Last weekend I was working through some things and found that dancing around the living room to my latest dance cd helped. Then the next day I went to the grocery store to get food for Father's Day and started thinking about what my H would like. I ended up baking and cooking some real fun stuff that made him really happy and it actually made me feel better too. He is actually doing amazingly well, working through some really heavy shit, and it felt good to spoil him. And it took the focus off of my ruminations.

Best of luck to you!

m334455 posted 6/20/2013 16:49 PM

It's normal. I'm still angry. I hope it passes. I hate how it changes my relationships with my children.

Lyonesse posted 6/20/2013 16:59 PM

I'm about where you are and I've had a very angry week too. First year, WH hid and lied and couldn't face up to what he'd done. Second year he finally started working on his problems, and he's now at a point he can listen without being defensive, etc. Finally made an appt for MC and I've been super angry ever since. I think it's because I had to put everything on hold since he was too weak to deal, and now all the anger I had a right to feel is coming out. You said your H is not good at hearing your feelings about the A, so maybe it is something similar for you? Now that you know he is out of the A and not abandoning you, it is safe for the anger to bubble up?

Knowing posted 6/20/2013 19:08 PM

I'm not completely confident that sharing it would necessarily help... Traditionally he's not been particularly good about making me feel better if I share with him I'm in a bad spot over his A. (He's fine if I share with him OTHER reasons I'm in a bad spot, but talking about my bad feelings about his A just puts him in a pretty self absorbed spot - which, guess what, just makes me feel more angry and isolated)...

Read the last line of your quote. Look no further, you've answered your own question. How lucky you are!

Your WS not being able to validate your feelings, not being able to comfort you... You not feeling like you can reach out to him, get his love and support in dealing with the feelings surrounding his A is making you angry and isolated!

This R is simply not working for you. Time for a change. Are you in MC? IC? If not it's time to go back and figure out how he can support you better.

These people IRL who are there to validate your feelings are all female, right?

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