Me, though... the anger is flaring up. What's disconcerting is that he has done nothing wrong lately - nothing is different. I'm just mad. And disgusted - like I just wake up hating him for what he did. I find myself focusing on the things about him that bother me, which is something I didn't do for a long time into early reconciliation.
Why now after things seemed so good for so long? Any ideas? Just a normal part of the roller coaster?
The grief within me has its own heartbeat. It has its own life, its own song. Part of me wants to resist the rhythms of my grief, yet as I surrender to the song, I learn to listen deep within myself-Alan Wolfelt
Writing is a good thought - was working on some anger poetry for a while.. Anyone else have ideas? Anyone else this far out and still having flare-ups?
Have you told him you are angry? Shared with him these thoughts? Are you allowing yourself to be angry or do you think you should not feel this way? Maybe you need to validate your own feelings by letting yourself feel them, freely, without judgement (I sound like I am in my yoga class).
When it comes to the "I should/I shouldn'ts" feel a certain way, the "I should" ought to win out. Allow yourself the time to be angry. IME, the anger will come less frequency and less severity. But you have to honor it. You have every reason to be angry! You were treated horribly. Your inner self may just need to tell you "hey man, I'm better, but I'm still pissed off!"
And then let him know. He should be there for you and help soothe the beast. Share the anger. See if that helps.
yeah, that whole breathing thing he did... in, out, in, out...
there came a time when it really was just "me". nothing he did or didn't do. and what made it worse was that everything would be going along fine, then WHAM.. which to me, made it even worse, more magnified..
talk to him. let him know that it's not anything he's doing or not doing. also that it's normal, and that you may or may not need him to help you through it. that there are still some things that piss you off and even you don't know where they come from or when they'll hit. have a plan for when it happens, whether it be talking it through with him or taking a drive or retail therapy or journaling or whatever helps you through it. the both of you knowing what's going on and how it's going to be handled will help.
I had to remind myself that I was responsible at that point for what I was feeling. there was no basis in the NOW, but the past that was eating at me. sometimes it was just a ghost of affair past, other times it was me just being pissy and then realizing I was looking through the A glasses instead of the R glasses
[This message edited by unfound at 2:37 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]
I think just by coming here and sharing it, I'm working on validating my own feelings. You're right - I was treated horribly. And if he asks me if I'm upset, I'll tell him the truth. But - again, doesn't always help how I feel - which at the moment it my main goal.
Dammit - "how and why did you do this" pokes it's head up.
I believe it is a coping mechanism based on not wanting to ever totally let our guard down because if we feel too good, too safe we won't be prepared if it happens again.
Anger many times comes through fear. Are you perhaps fearing things are going too well?
It is hard to trust "good" after so much bad. So, IMO, I do think it is part of the rollercoaster ride.
I think it is one of those things we have to say, I have chosen to be here. Things are better. The affair is something that happened but not something that is happening.
The WS will always be a trigger because they are the ones that caused so much pain.
Deep breaths, focus on the positive, mentally punch him in the face and then move forward.
You are doing fine.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:13 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]
Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do so with no thought of any reward.
Your life will never be the same again.
I'm glad having your feelings validated helps! We went to a MC for 2 months after dday & stopped, she wanted me to draw a line in the sand and move forward & forgive(he was still lying), we did better on our own. I got all the truth at 7 months from dday. Around 18 months from dday I was still SO sad at times and he was doing everything right...so I went to a new IC. She validated my feelings, she told me she was so sorry this had happened to me, I did not deserve this. It felt so good to hear that. Then she had my husband come in with me and we did an exercise where I stated I felt (hurt, unloved, whatever) when you did (fill in the blank...) and had my husband repeat it back to me and apologize for each hurt I had.
(((PhoenixGirl)))I am so sorry this happened to YOU. You did not deserve to be hurt like this and it was not your fault.
It sure sounds like you are reinventing yourself and you are very strong. I don't think those activities are to mask the feelings. Good luck on your half ironman!!!
I'm not as far out as you are (someday!) but have similiar episodes of anger or sadness. Last weekend I was working through some things and found that dancing around the living room to my latest dance cd helped. Then the next day I went to the grocery store to get food for Father's Day and started thinking about what my H would like. I ended up baking and cooking some real fun stuff that made him really happy and it actually made me feel better too. He is actually doing amazingly well, working through some really heavy shit, and it felt good to spoil him. And it took the focus off of my ruminations.
Best of luck to you!
Read the last line of your quote. Look no further, you've answered your own question. How lucky you are!
Your WS not being able to validate your feelings, not being able to comfort you... You not feeling like you can reach out to him, get his love and support in dealing with the feelings surrounding his A is making you angry and isolated!
This R is simply not working for you. Time for a change. Are you in MC? IC? If not it's time to go back and figure out how he can support you better.
These people IRL who are there to validate your feelings are all female, right?
We are in R.