This NC he is doing is a bitch! Should it not be me who did it to him? Yes, it is a blessing but it is bugging the shit out of me. I don't know why it is bothering me so much? Maybe because I know I truly didn't do anything to him. I am still civil when it is about the kids and nice and try to stay clam when he sends me little crumbs of messages or cusses at me.
It is like I am the one that did all this shit and I am being punished. WHY IS THIS BOTHERING ME SO BAD?
I do think it is because... Wait for it... I am not in control of it! There I said it. Because I can not control him to be civil or nice to me. I can't control he doesn't want to be remorseful, because I can't understand why he doesn't want me. Why he could do this to me. Yes, I know I am or did allow this to be done to me and let it get under my skin but now I am trying to figure out why the hell it is bugging me so bad?
Does anyone have a answer?
I keep picking about the 19 years we were together and do not like what I am seeing or starting to understand. I get so angry at myself and at him how I was treated.
To me love should be easy and respect for a love one should be given. I don't think I really got those things unless he wanted to give it to me on his time.
This has been a messed up relationship for along time and I was willing to do anything to work to make it better. HELLO... why was I the only one that was willing to put a 100% into this and go above and beyound.
I don't wish him harm or bad will. But, I do wish that one day he will see what he had and feel like a fool for letting it go when all he had to do was do the real work to better himself as a partner.
I am rambling but I am so PISSED! Do you know I can't even cry anymore? I just can't. I cry over being broke, living paycheck to paycheck and get stress out about all the shit I have taken on because of his choices. But, I have not cried over him in so long. I mean really cried. I just sit and star off into space thinking.. thinking of everything. I read alot of slef help books and see the.. Oh Shit that is me... or oh shit that was us...
Being slapped in the face with reality is hard. Maybe I was living in a toxic bubble...that became a safe place in my head because it was comfortable to me. Maybe I was ADDICITED to the drama, got use to it, and when the drama is gone I don't know what to do? Maybe I can't comperhened rejection and know when to give up.
I am just as broken as he is but in different ways. My heart aches because it is broken, My head hurts because I am spinning my wheels for some sort of closure, and the broken part of me still wants my wh.
Those broken parts are starting to come back togeher like a puzzle that has missing part that were lost. And now I am trying to find where they need to be put back in the puzzle to make it whole again.
Just wish it would speed up.
Thanks for listening to my vent.
DD 21 and DS 16
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"