SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

soldierNarmywife posted 6/20/2013 08:33 AM

I am an active duty soldier, mom and Army wife and heart broken.

My husband deployed to Afghanistan last year. Deployment went by fine and he came home safe.

since i had my daughter two years ago my body has never been the same, normal right. My husband doesnt think so. Hes not happy with my body.

On deployment I got a personal trainer. My husband fought with me over it cause he was scared i would cheat on him. I swore on everything that I wouldnt do that to our family. I lost 15 lbs for him and was looking kind of fit. He enjoyed the results and said he was proud of me.

He would talk bad about everyone who cheated on their spouse at home while they were deployed. One of his NCO's wife cheated while he was deployed. Called her names and stuff.

Fast forward to the Army Ball, We drink have a good time. Then everything goes down hill. We start argueing and fighting, I cant even remember the reason why.

That night he admitted to cheating on me while he was in Afghanistan. I was shattered. I could not breathe or stand. I was having a panic attack. I didnt know what do to.

I go home and all I can do is cry. I just do not understand how he could do that to me. We have a daughter together. I supported him while he was defending our country. I stayed faithful cause I never wanted to be that wife who cheated because she couldnt handle the deployment. I was at home bettering myself while he was with another woman.

He said it only lasted a week and was only a couple times and that it was just sex. like thats suppose to fix it.

He said he was sorry and that he loves me and he wished he never got so weak he couldnt stay faithful.

We were going to marriage counseling. Then things got hectic cause we PCS'd.

Its been 4 months since I found out. I work full time since I am army as well. I feel like I never have time to mourne I guess. Sometimes I feel he is getting away with cheating on me because I am too busy to worry about anything. I feel like he hasnt redeemed himself. Its not like he begged for forgivness or brings me home little gifts to try and ease things.

we are living as if it never happened and I cant help but think that He got away with it because the Army made me to busy to even "punish" or I dont know how to explain it, but I feel like he got a smack on the hand for spilling milk.

I just dont know. I cant get rid of that feeling.

Lost confused and too busy to figure things out..

Sorry for any typos...

caregiver9000 posted 6/20/2013 10:03 AM

I am sorry you are here, but welcome to the "best club no one wants to join."

Have you checked out the Healing Library? There are a lot of great resources there.

I hear you with not feeling like it has been "dealt with." Can the two of you go to counseling or find a book on how to get beyond the affair that you can read and work together?

One thing that stood out for me: Your WH criticized your body around the same time he was having the affair? This sounds like his way of making excuses for his behavior, blameshifting onto you. HIS BEHAVIOR IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOUR WEIGHT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS CHEATING.

I am so sorry you are in this situation and that he told you in the very public setting like that. I can't imagine.

Thank you for your service and I hope you get the support you need.

wanttogoforward posted 6/20/2013 12:35 PM

Hon....
I know how you feel... I was also faithful during a deployment. While he did not exactly cheat during his time away, he did begin an EA- which he then did carry out the PA when he returned home.... at the time I had no idea what was going on....
I was so stunned! I had spent months and months worried sick barely able to eat or sleep pouring my heart out in letters about how I missed him.... all while he was also carrying on with another girl from his past- while I was clueless and had no idea!
Upon his return he cheated with her- sex and dinners out.... leading to him dumping me- and I had no idea what was going on.
Long story short- they did NOT work out! Within weeks they realized it wasn't what they wanted and the fantasy bubble burst- I still had no idea of the affair and sex... and didn't until years later when we were married with kids... during an argument where I'd always felt in my gut something wasn't right he finally admitted to the sex..... I rug swept at the time and moved on... it came back to bite me in the ass big time.
Do not allow him to rug sweep this- he cheated and needs to face up to what he has done and the pain he has caused.
Still to this day I admit I have trouble with what he did- and wish I had forced counseling and such back then. If I had done that then maybe I wouldn't be where I am today having dealt with another suspected A where he walked out and left me out of the blue one year with small children and a job that would barely feed a mouse, let alone children, and another for sure EA a few years ago..... It is really hard to keep moving forward.
You will survive- at his first A I was forced to 180- hard! Take care of you and at the least go see someone for yourself- this last time I went to see someone and it did help. Good luck!

Skan posted 6/20/2013 14:35 PM

Hey there. I'm so sorry that you had the reason to find us, but I'm so glad that you're here so we can support you. I'm former Navy myself and a military brat.

You do realize, that if you choose, you have him by his career balls? Think this through carefully. Adultery is against the rules and now, it's a big-ticket career-ending charge. Should you choose, you can end his career over this affair by outing him to his command and outing the OW as well. Think about this and keep it in your back pocket.

You feel like he got away with it because he did. He has had no reprecussions from his screwing around other than an unhappy wife. He still has a home to come to, a family, his clothing washed, dinner on the table, etc, et al. Sure, his wife is a little weepy, but hey! Women are like that, ya know?

It's time for the soldier in you to come roaring out, along with your mama bear persona as well.

First off, make sure that you read the articles in the yellow box in the upper left corner, that are titled The Healing Library. Then read any post in this forum that has a bulls-eye on it. All great tactical stuff and you know that to put a good plan into action, you need to figure out what the winning tactics are. Next, study up real hard on the 180. Treat him like a rather annoying roommate. You don't cook, clean, or do one damned thing for him. You tend your daughter and detatch from him. This isn't to bring him to heel, its so that you can focus on yourself and get a bit of detatchment and clarity to figure out what you want and need. Once you figure out what your non-negotiable demands are, present them. If he chooses to keep rugsweeping, then the consequences are that you out him to his command and ask him to leave your house.

You do realize, don't you, that all the fuss about the personal trainer was him projecting his behavior on you so that he could keep you so disoriented that if you were picking up any vibes about his A, you would be too busy defending yourself to follow up on it.

Take care of yourself. You can't take care of your daughter if you don't take care of yourself and right now, the only two priorities in your life should be her and you. (((hugs)))

Blameitontherain posted 6/20/2013 21:58 PM

Unfortunately I can relate. My active duty WH also went on and on about how horrible and awful people who cheated were. Always said about how wives cheat on their husbands while they are deployed and NEVER anything about the soldiers cheating. You can read my story if you click the smile face across from my name :)

You are right. He is getting away with it now. You are the only one suffering as the results of his actions. I know you are busy. If you want to save your marriage, you need to make it a priority as much as you can. If you try to rug sweep it, you will never heal and he probably will have a repeat affair. Read in the healing library. Try and have a talk with him about what you are feeling. Ask him questions if you'd like about it. If he is remorseful, he will answer and not get angry. Maybe he is waiting to see if you bring it up first? I doubt it, but you never know. If he avoids answering, gets, angry, defensive, etc, than you will need to 180.

Keep coming back for support. Everyone here is wonderful. I know it seems like the pit you are in keeps getting larger and is swallowing you up. It will get better once you begin to address the affair. It will hurt. But it won't hurt as much as the rug sweeping currently happening. You don't feel safe with him and you never will until he helps show you he is safe.

soldierNarmywife posted 6/21/2013 08:32 AM

I just don't know. I know I am going to be starting counseling soon on my own. My husband was okay with doing counseling before because the unit knew about his infidel. We were reading "getting past the affair" by a douglas.. But the PCS came around the corner so fast that things did get pushed on the back burner. Now I feel like nothing was fixed, and that because I didn't work on it then that it would just be more issues. I know he feels like we've moved on. I tell him "I'm having a rough day and he gets upset and is like things have been so good lately, I don't know what I did to upset you more" And i tell him that its not that he did something new but that I am just having thoughts about what he did. i dont know.

The weight thing, hes always struggled with accepting my new weight, even before the deployment. But still i know that's no excuse for him to stray away.

He command did know of the affair because he admitted in front of our friends who was actually his NCO. They did put him in for a ART 15. But I did n't want that. I went and talked to them and asked them to drop it because I wanted to work our marriage out. I didn't want to ruin his career because that would have been the end of our marriage. The punishment from the Army would have hurt not just him but me as well.

I just want to wake up each day and want to feel okay. Not that i wasnt good enough for him, We dont even have sex now like we should. We are 22 and 23 and we have sex once every week or week and half. Even before the deployment it was like that, and not because of me. I've asked him to get checked because i don't think a man should have that low of a sex drive but hes too embarrassed.

We have talked about the affair and he will answer questions I ask. I just feel like I am not moving forward, I don't know how to move forward.

How do I address the Affair? What do I need to do to move on?
My husband is compliant and answers stuff.

what is the 180? I looked the healing library and i couldn't find anything on the 180.

sorry for typos....

soldierNarmywife posted 6/21/2013 08:39 AM

I don't get how i was so stupid. I reread our emails and looks for signs that missed something.

Now that i know the truth the only thing i remember that should have triggered that he had an affair.

He told me we should use condoms when he gets home. I was like why? he said because it was nasty over there and that he could have malaria or somet thing stupid. and that it would be safe.
I was like no its fine, people come home all the time just fine and have sex with no condoms.

should have been a huge red flag but I was so stupid..

bleh.

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/21/2013 08:47 AM

I hope you're able to find your courage soon to tell this man exactly where he can go.

In between completely ruining your self image and your self esteem by letting you know how unattractive you were after giving birth to HIS child right up to and including his affair that was 'only sex' and that you need to get over, this guy needs to be brought down a few pegs.

Stop being so accommodating. That just tells him you're ok with his affair.

You're NOT ok with it.

Let him SEE that or he can get the hell out.

Get ANGRY.

soldierNarmywife posted 6/21/2013 08:58 AM

Not to mention we both could be deploying the near future, which only makes me think "he couldnt make it 9 months the first time, how the hell is he going to do it next time. He made a promise the day we got married, what promises he makes now are invalid because he failed to keep the most important one" Idk. Im confused. I am the nicest person you will ever meet and thats my biggest down fall, i hate confrontation. Ive always been that way. ugh.

Blameitontherain posted 6/21/2013 13:35 PM

Do not feel stupid. You trusted your husband. You are suppose to be able to trust your spouse. He abused that trust with the affair. Can you imagine if every couple went around being suspicious for no reason? I felt incredibly stupid after I tested positive for an std and still bought his reasonings. I also vaguely remember a brush burn mark on his penis. I never connected the two things. But I have to remember that I wasn't looking for signs of cheating. My mind did not make the connection or couldn't do it. It is hard to do but please be gentle on yourself.

It sounds like IC would be wonderful for you. The counselor will help your sort out what you want to do with WH as far as addressing the affair. They may also be able to do MC with both of you or refer you to one who specializes in infidelity.

All of the fears about him having another affair while deployed are completely reasonable and understandable. Before deployment, your WH needs to help you feel safer in the relationship.

Get into IC. The counselor will help you make a plan. It is normal to be all over the place as far as your thoughts. Don't be afraid to try a different counselor if you don't like the first one. They are not a one size fits all. I ditched our first one, got lucky with the second one.

soldierNarmywife posted 6/21/2013 14:10 PM

I actually just finished scheduling IC today. I have my first appt next week. I think I really need that. I just hope that its a good one. Our old MC didn't really help, she just wanted to chit chat really. Not address the problems. I hope this IC can refer me to a good MC that can deal with Infidelity. Cause i do plan on getting us into MC again as well. Thank you all for the feedback. its really made me look into it a little more and not just sweep it under the rug.

dontstop posted 6/21/2013 14:48 PM

I'm also a military wife and I just went through something very similar. It's a shame that you have stood by him while he was away, probably sending care packages and everything and he couldn't be loyal. I had thought about Article 134 of the UCMJ and just being done with him and her, but that wouldn't solve anything and I had to think practically. I also think that if you want to heal, it needs to be done through sincerity and honesty and not revenge. I know you love him, but it seems as though he was a bit shallow to be put off by your weight because of your daughter. One would think that he loved you through thick and thin. It's true that so many spouses cheat whether their spouse is deployed or the deployed spouse. It is also very sad and disheartening. I don't know about you but I never though that we were in that bracket. Guess I thought wrong. Sorry to hear that you are going through this. He should have been so grateful to have someone like you. You need to stop everything and address your feelings with him. It's not healthy and I truly believe that those of us who have been betrayed are going through emotional trauma. He needs to know it ain't over. He needs to know the enormity of what he had done to you because he is getting away with it. If you both want to rebuild your marriage, he is the one who needs to show you how much you mean to him.

Blameitontherain posted 6/21/2013 15:22 PM

Yah! So happy to see you have made an appointment already.

Is your WH a reader? Even if he isn't, the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair by Macdonald is a very short and to the point book on what a wayward should do to help their betrayed spouse. This book is highly recommended by the folks here on SI. I am so glad I took their advice and got it.

My WH is not a reader at all. He read this book. After the kids went to bed, we read one chapter a night sitting side by side to ourselves. Then we went back and highlighted portions that we each thought were important and discussed them if needed. It was 25 minutes tops.
WH responses to the book were, he didn't know he shouldn't do that, or this, or that xyz would help. When we have a slip up, I refer him back to the book.

[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 3:22 PM, June 21st (Friday)]

soldierNarmywife posted 6/23/2013 11:35 AM

I ordered that book. I hope it works. Is it better for me to read it first then him or just together?

With the slowing down of pace from the move, I believe that's why all these feeling are bombarding me because i never really dealt with them.

thanks again

Blameitontherain posted 6/24/2013 11:34 AM

I don't think there is anything in the book that would trigger you so you could read it together. If you want to see if it is for you, read a little on your own.

I read the whole thing in about an hour because he was deployed at the time. I was trying to make sense of the situation and devoured any affair related books. There was a chapter in there about breaking off the affair, no contact etc. we skipped that one because it didn't apply to us. I found out about the affair four years after it happened.