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Shockedman posted 6/20/2013 09:35 AM

Hi All,
Just wanted to introduce myself and say i am sad to be posting in this forum. It has only been 1 month since d-day, but D is the path I am on right now. If you don't know my story, together 17 years married 10. 7 month, very intense EA and PA. I have not seen WW since d-day. Asked her to move out and have been 180 and NC since. We have had several work related convos (we own a business together) and a handful of A related convos (NC is tough). We are both in IC and are considering some MC, but I am not sure if it is worth it. We had a pretty good life and relationship before the A. We did have some issues in our marriage, but nothing a little MC wouldn't have solved. We mostly lost our marital bond as we focused on being business partners and friends. That "special" marital relationship go lost along the lines.

Where I am at: My WW says she is still in "love" with her AP. I can't accept this. I have made it clear that this is not acceptable. She refused to do NC with AP, although she claims there has been NC. I tend to believe it because AP was also married with 2 small kids so he is likely on a tight leash. Either way, she is showing remorse, but with no NC and little transparency, it seems pretty hopeless. She killed the marriage, just trying to decide if it is completely dead or just in a coma....

I just wanted to share and get some input from you all on your path. I know it is still very soon since d-day. How did you know when it was right to D? Should we just legally separate first? Advantages to this? Any other advice? I just want to make sure I have no regrets as I move forward in my life. Last thing I want to do is to move on to another relationship and carry unresolved issues and baggage into that relationship too.

[This message edited by Shockedman at 9:37 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]

sparkysable posted 6/20/2013 09:52 AM

So sorry that you've had to join us here.

Unfortunately, if you've got an unremorseful WS, who won't give up the AP, it doesn't really leave you much choice. I would say at that point that nobody would fault you for deciding to divorce based on that alone.

Personally, I think that the BS of the AP needs to be notified. Some might disagree, but I sure know that in my experience, I wish someone would have told me. All these people knew what was going on in my life, except me. I think that the AP's BS has a right to make a decision about what to do based on the facts.

Divorce laws vary from state to state, but I didn't see a point in a "legal separation" when I knew I was going to get divorced anyway. A legal separation, followed by a divorce, would have just prolonged the whole thing.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/20/2013 10:03 AM

I just wanted to send you some hugs..

I think I knew for sure that I wanted a divorce after the false R. He could see the pain he was putting me through, yet he continued to lie to me about talking to her and seeing her. He had even transferred jobs for me, but he continued to contact her and beg for her and took the A underground using the chat feature on a word game on his phone. Once I saw the way he could lie to me and manipulate me and hurt me KNOWING how much pain he was putting me through, I was done..

I would very much doubt she is NC with him. I think she would be able to promise that to you if it was really happening.. And he's married with 2 small kids? That's just so sad. I can't believe the damage these people do without any concern for the homes they tear apart..

OM might be on a tight leash, but people who want to cheat will find a way.. There are apps, secret phones, secret emails, lies and excuses for where they have to be. If she's not promising NC to you, I very much doubt that they are truly not in contact. Perhaps he is promising his wife NC, but I doubt it is happening. Have you spoken with his betrayed wife? Are you certain she knows what happened? That's one of the best ways to blow up these little fantasy relationships, so I wouldn't trust your WW's word AT ALL that the BW knows. I would be certain you reach out to his BW and make sure she knows. My STBX insisted that MOW's BH knew, and of course that was bullshit.. Do NOT take her word on that..

There isn't legal separation in my state or I would have done that first, purely for the health insurance benefits. He has the best health insurance of anyone I know, no premiums, very low co-pays, less than a dollar medications, etc.. I'm not sure what other advantages there are to separation over divorce, but I think health benefits is a big one to think about..

I think separation can also protect you legally and financially, but gives you a chance to take a break and figure out what both of you want. You are so very close to D-Day to be making big decisions, but it sounds like you are standing up for yourself and not putting up with less than 100% commitment on her part, and that's great, exactly what you should be doing..

I don't want to carry any baggage into my next relationship either, so I'm in IC and focusing on myself right now to make sure I'm the happiest and healthiest I can be so that I attract the right kind of guy next time. Keep up the good work.

Big hugs. Sorry you found yourself here. She doesn't sound remorseful at this point, so I think you are correct to keep your distance. Going NC with the AP is only the very first step of reconciliation, and you can't work on anything else to repair the marriage until that happens..


Shockedman posted 6/20/2013 10:21 AM

Thanks for your advice so far. APs wife does know about the affair. She is the one who found out and broke it open. My WW, then confessed to me as she knew she was caught. I tried to communicate with APs wife, but she didn't want to. From a trusted source, I was told they are trying to R and have been working on it, going to church and trying to heal, but who knows.

I tend to think my WW is telling the truth, but I have NO reason to believe her or trust her, so I don't. I think it might take her months to come out of the fog and pull her head out of her ass. Her life is a train wreck and I am extremely upset and resentful of her at this moment. I am being forced into something I never wanted to be a part of. Right now I am looking at selling our business, because I want to break away from anything that I have with her, but it is pissing me off because I worked so hard over the past few years to build this. Now I have to sell it because of her selfish actions. This A stuff is SO ridiculaous and SO hard. I pray I never have to deal wioth anything like this again. That is one reason I think a clean break is needed. I am not really up to the task of years of R, going through tons of pain and suffereing to get back a relationship that is now SO damaged, it seems like a losing battle.

Any opinions on doing some MC? If for nothing else that to get some closure so when I move on in my life, I feel like I did all I could.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/20/2013 10:42 AM

Are you starting to realize that your WW is also an OW? When I finally started thinking about that, it really shocked me. I guess I knew it at first, but it took a while for that to sink in. That made me hate him even more that he could do that to someone else's marriage..

I don't know about MC. Like I said, unless she is truly NC with the OM, I think anything else done to try to repair the marriage or talk about the problems is pointless.

And even if she is really NC, the fact that she won't promise that to you says a lot.. She is not promising to do whatever you need to heal, so that tells me she is not remorseful, not sorry (except sorry that she got caught), and not willing to do what it will take to help you..

You have to let go of any guilt you might feel about the end of this marriage. It is NOT your fault. Her affair had NOTHING to do with you. Perhaps there were problems in the marriage, but then she had reasons to LEAVE you. She has no excuse for why she lied to you and deceived you and used you. It's on HER to do everything in HER power to make this right. And even if she was remorseful and trying to get you back, she broke the marriage contract when she stepped outside the marriage, and there's no reason you have to hold up your end of the bargain anymore.. That marriage is gone. It's up to you if you want to create a new contract (hopefully with more clearly defined rules), but nowhere does it say that you have to do that. You don't have to prove your love for her or your willingness to work on the relationship. SHE has to prove those things to you..

I really wouldn't do any MC or anything else with her right now until she starts proving she's remorseful and wants this marriage. That would include promising she won't be talking to the man she blew up your world with. Sounds like she is promising she isn't actually talking to him, but making it obvious that she still wants to talk to him.. Maybe one day she will pull her head out of her ass and realize what she did to his family, and what she is doing to her own husband, but I would stay away from her until that happens..


Shockedman posted 6/20/2013 11:13 AM

Butterflygirl: Thanks for that. That was REALLY helpful and I can use all the hugs I can get right now. Even if they are virtual.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/20/2013 11:47 AM

And millions more virtual hugs to you..

I was just thinking too, you have to remember that your WW most likely lied to OM about you, and OM probably relayed those lies on to his BW, so she might be hesitant to talk to you based on those lies. Of course my STBX told me MOW's BH was abusive, a drug addict, alcoholic, etc., etc., and none of that was true. I'm sure he told her what a horrible abusive bitch I was too. Whatever..

The waywards don't just lie to their betrayed spouses, they lie to their APs too to justify what they are doing..

It's a bummer she wasn't willing to talk to you, but that's good you reached out. I just wouldn't take it personally that she doesn't want to talk to you. You really have no idea what kind of lies your WW told about you..

And more hugs..

still2suspicious posted 6/20/2013 15:11 PM


We own a business together too. I think it makes it soooo much harder for us. Other people get up, go to work, at different, places, and can get a daily break from each other. Us? Ummm, no! gotta see each other's faces 24/7!!

I don't know where you live but in my state a legal separation is for your own financial benefit. Once that is in place, then no matter what your spouse spends you are no longer responsible for any of that. We are a community property state, so until the gavel goes down one spouse can totally kill the other's credit. AND the betrayed could end up having to pay half!! Once a separation is in place the finances are totally separate from that day forward.

Sending hugs.

kernel posted 6/20/2013 20:03 PM

Welcome Shocked. Sorry you ended up here.

Why would you consider MC at this point? It takes two people to work on a marriage, and it seems to me that a WW that is "in love" with her AP isn't going to be working on the marriage. She still has a lot of work to do on herself before she can work on the marriage. I think IC for yourself is the way to go. Just my opinion.

I agree with others that say to protect yourself legally. I would suggest going straight to divorce and not the legal separation. Why waste time? If something changes and you decide to go the R route, you can always drop the divorce plans, or R after divorce. If R is never an option, then you've moved along that much sooner. I'm all for efficiency, I guess.

Regarding your business and all the work you've put into it, can you look into buying her out? Might be worth a look.

Take care of yourself.

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