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He doesn't get it...

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LiedtoLucy posted 6/20/2013 10:16 AM

I am 2 months from D-Day. My husband had a 2 year PA + 2 year PA & EA with the same OW. OW now says she is pregnant with his child. My FWH and I have 3 young children. We are trying to R.

Today's issue is he works nights in a hospital which is where the A began, however OW no longer works there. Since D-Day I have told him several times that I want him to try and get moved to days. Him working at night is my biggest trigger. He said he would but hates all of the "drama" that comes with it. He has not made much effort at this point to switch.

This morning I did not hear from him when he should have been on his way home from work. (He gets home after I leave.) I texted him when I got to work and asked if he was home yet (it was 8:30 and he gets off at 7) He texted back saying. "Be there shortly, what's up?" I say, "nothing is UP. Where are you?" So he calls and is obviously irritated. He wants to know what is going on. I say, when I don't hear from you in the morning it makes me worry. Where were you? He said he went and ate breakfast by himself. I told that I thought it was reasonable that he call me in the a.m. To ease my mind and help me trust him because I don't really feel like he is trying to prove himself and how sorry he is and how much he loves me. When I explain thishe tells me "you know, that is about the 5th time you have told me this. Do you think that is supposed to get you sympathy because you think I am not doing enough??" I was speechless. I said I was just trying to make you understand how I feel about you working nights. He said, "it has been noted."

Also on Father's Day when I checked the cell phone account I saw 2 texts from OW. I looked at his phone when got home and they were ultrasound pics of OC. He had not told me about it as of this a.m. So I asked him about that and why he didn't tell me. He said he knew I checked the phone account daily and that if I wanted to talk about it he would have thought I would have asked him. He is supposed to be maintaining NC. I asked did you talk to her. He said yes. I called and asked how the baby was doing and who her doctor was. When asked why he didn't tell me he said he didn't want to start a fight. I am so freaking disgusted right now. This is the first time he has acted this way. It seems as long ad we don't have to talk about what I expect of him everything is fine. But if tell him he let me down I or try to make him understand why this hurts me then I am badgering him about it. I am in so much pain and I don't see him doing very much at all to make me feel better..

Getting to Happy posted 6/20/2013 10:35 AM

I'm sorry but you may have to take the 'F' off of FWH.

confused615 posted 6/20/2013 10:41 AM

I agree..he is nowhere near a "former" WH.

Im sorry.

How does he know this baby is his? Until there has been a test proving he is the father,he should be 100% NC with OW.

lieshurt posted 6/20/2013 10:43 AM

Based on his behavior and the fact you have 3 children, I'd be speaking with an attorney about things...especially filing for child support. In many states, the one who files first gets more of the money. You don't want the OW to be able to do that.

mtab posted 6/20/2013 10:45 AM

(((LiedtoLucy)))

It sounds to me like you are in R all alone...he isn't there with you, he's rugsweeping and blameshifting.

wannarun posted 6/20/2013 14:38 PM

Kick him out and get a lawyer!! The quickest way out of the fog or on with your life!! Wish I had done it from the start!!

crazyblindsided posted 6/20/2013 14:45 PM

Kick him out and get a lawyer!! The quickest way out of the fog or on with your life!! Wish I had done it from the start!!

^^^^^This^^^^^^

guiltfilled11 posted 6/20/2013 17:36 PM

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's clear that he shows no remorse for what he has done to you and your family. You're certainly right when you say that he doesn't get it, but are you sure he even wants to get it? I would say no. As a FWH I will be the first to admit that R is a constant struggle and it takes both of you to fight to maintain it. I have made mistakes during my R but neither of us have given up, I have learned from them and we have moved forward together. My guess is that you are in this alone and as hard as it may be for you to do, its probably time to move on.

guiltfilled11 posted 6/20/2013 17:37 PM

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's clear that he shows no remorse for what he has done to you and your family. You're certainly right when you say that he doesn't get it, but are you sure he even wants to get it? I would say no. As a FWH I will be the first to admit that R is a constant struggle and it takes both of you to fight to maintain it. I have made mistakes during my R but neither of us have given up, I have learned from them and we have moved forward together. My guess is that you are in this alone and as hard as it may be for you to do, its probably time to move on.

1Faith posted 6/20/2013 17:46 PM

He is completely flippant and rude.

How dare he after what he's put you through. Complete bullshit.

It's hard but this is not a remorseful man. At all.

"It's noted" - well f you.

It's noted that you can have the ow and pay me 75% of your salary for your three kids.

Don't beg. Don't nice him back. 180 him and don't look back. If he's not holding the NC now the what do you think is going to happen when the baby comes?

Time for you to get your ducks in a row and move forward.

He is NOT trying to reconcile. Read what you wrote.

I am sorry for you and your kids but there has to be something better and more real on the other side.

You deserve better.

RedRose posted 6/20/2013 17:50 PM

I'm sorry for what you are going through. We seem to be in similar situations. It sounds to me that he doesn't get it, and isn't trying to see things from your point of view. I think his not telling you about their recent contact is a huge red flag - and would be a dealbreaker for me.

SoVerySadNow posted 6/20/2013 18:01 PM

He is not remorseful or helpful in your healing in any way. I agree with the other comments here. Please secure a financial place for your children quickly.

Wonderingwhy11 posted 6/20/2013 18:14 PM

I am so sorry for your situation. Your WH does not get it because he is still in the A or at least in contact with the OW and now there is possibly an OC. You need to take of you and your kids. He created the problem. You didn't. He needs to fix it - not you.

You have every right to know where he is and he needs to understand that checking in and reassurance is part of trying to R. In my case it took WH awhile to figure this out and stop getting upset every time I flipped out when he was unavailable.


LiedtoLucy posted 6/20/2013 20:35 PM

Wondering why..

What finally made him get it?

He feels guilty about leaving her with a baby is what he tells me. And I say what did you THINK was going to happen having unprotected sex. And what about guilt for what you have done to me and OUR 3 kids. He says of course he feels guilty about that too. He said the guilt is eating him alive and I can't fix that for him. This was the first time he lashed out at me. Says he felt like I was accusing him of something he didn't do. But he still just does not get it. I told him I was ready for him to get it and if not he could pack his bags and go until he does. He broke down and cried. I don't know what to do. He could just be manipulating me because it is cheaper to "keep her"

Wonderingwhy11 posted 6/21/2013 11:28 AM

LiedtoLucy - I am not sure when the light bulb moment for WH was. Maybe after I told him to leave again. We were separated about 3 months. He said he finally realized he couldn't "be friends only" with the OW and told her NC. As long as my WH was in contact with the OW and hanging out with the friend who encouraged the A, he was not showing commitment to our R. My WH told me he felt guilty for leading the OW on. She wanted more and he didn't know how to end it- so he tells me. At the same time WH said he felt guilty for what he was doing to me but rationalized it. My WH finally realized we had more common goals than he sees in other couples and realized what he was throwing away. Deciding to tell WH to leave was hard and I didn't want that but I didn't want to continue in the way our marriage was going.

Your WH needs to work through the guilt emotions and make a decision. It is not fair to you to live in turmoil while he figures out the mess he made. You need to figure out how long you are willing to wait for him to make a decision and tell him the deadline. The OC is going to be difficult. If it his child he needs to be responsible but it does not mean he needs to feel guilty to the OW and continue to see her because of the child.

He could just be manipulating me because it is cheaper to "keep her"

I'm not sure I would believe cheaper to keep her is going on. Manipulating could be going on because he just wants it to go away and does not want to hear about your feelings. He knows how you feel. If he is upset about you questioning where he is, he needs to realize that you need to verify where he says he is. This is how you build trust again. Overtime you will become less vigilant about checking up on him when start getting more confirmation he is being truthful. He needs to understand the process to rebuild trust. But from what you wrote he is not in that frame of mind yet. It doesn't mean he can't get there. Unfortunately for some WS it takes awhile.

In your situation I strongly recommend IC/MC and reading about affairs resulting in OC. I am not sure how you can work through the situation without some professional help. I hope it works out for you and your family. If WH isn't willing to go to IC/MC, you need to go alone. You need someone to help you through this.

PhoenixGirl posted 6/21/2013 11:50 AM

((LTL))

I don't have much to add that folks haven't said already. From this one post, it is really hard to see what work he is doing trying to R, and it is pretty clear some of the things he is NOT doing. I"m sorry you are going through this - focus on YOU right now. If you haven't looked up the "180", do that...

redrock posted 6/21/2013 14:36 PM

He said the guilt is eating him alive

As far as I can tell he is all about himself. He has no empathy for what he has done to you. He acts independently with OW/OC mom and doesn't feel obligated inform you. Basically because it is easier on him to not tell you.

I said I was just trying to make you understand how I feel about you working nights. He said, "it has been noted."

The passive aggressive cruelty of his little statement is off the charts.
Those are not the words of someone who is remorseful and working on the marriage. I would start looking deeper to find if things went underground.

And this..

Based on his behavior and the fact you have 3 children, I'd be speaking with an attorney about things...especially filing for child support. In many states, the one who files first gets more of the money. You don't want the OW to be able to do that.

I would do some research. At this point protect your kids first.

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