This is some of what Perv did, too. I've been to two counselors, one MC he went to separately and both have said it's narcissism, for him.
He also has a porn addiction he kept from me for many years and basically it all boils down to control, for him. Other aspects of life point to that as well.
I was a very codependent person and am much less so now and have been alone for more than a year now. I was terrified too and horrified to let go of the dreams I had for a future and a life I had spent 20 years building with him-or so I thought.
There are so many, many lessons from this type of discovery in our lives, but when you pass through some of the fog you are in, Twilighter, you will hopefully see, as I've had too, that a person like your WH or Perv is probably not going to change, unfortunately.
You want to know a reason why? Perv, for instance, doesn't believe that anything is wrong with him! He thinks it's all me!
It was really difficult to come to the conclusions that I did, but filing for divorce has won me back some long-lost respect and pride in myself. I can't do everything my life and children's need, but I can do a damn lot more than he or anyone thought I could.
You can, too!
And you know, we don't need a man or other person, in reality. Something I am trying to let myself enjoy is being seen as an individual. I have had to put my rings away and have to put "ms" on forms, but I am me now. I'm not linked to that awful man and it sounds like your WH doesn't respect you, either.
I'm really sorry for your hard time and hope I haven't spoken harshly, but you sound just like me after DDay.
I lost 30 pounds and smells of food made me sick. The tears would not stop no matter where I was. I was and still am a walking zombie, a skeleton of myself, but I am still going.
I'm sorry to speak so much of me, but wanted to show you that even a formerly codependent person can survive, and then prevail!
FWIW, I had to come to a point of no more pain tolerance and I couldn't stand myself when I learned what he was really out doing behind my back.
I wish you well and some moments of peace where you can think.
One thing at a time.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.