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twilighter posted 6/20/2013 10:21 AM

I literally found out a few days ago that my husband has what appears to be a sex addiction and has been chatting with and meeting women online for apparently a long time. Married 7 years, 1 child.

I was broken when I found out exactly 5 days ago. I still haven't eaten since then and my stomach has even stopped protesting at the lack of food. I became suspicious and installed a computer program that basically caught him in the act. Now I'm dealing with a therapist and mediator and I've moved out (which came as a shock to him he had no idea I ever found out until after I left). I initially asked the mediator if he thinks there's any hope this marriage can be saved and he said there might be a chance. After the mediator has been dealing with H more and more i asked him again today and he said his mind had changed. From how H has been dealing with him, and from what I've told the therapist who he has conferred with - she has told the mediator H has many many issues including being controlling, manipulative, obsessive, etc. and she doubts he can be "fixed" - he doesn't feel like H can/will change.

I am so so so terrified of being alone. I just feel lost in a hopeless spin

Holly-Isis posted 6/20/2013 11:09 AM

I'm sorry you found yourself here. You've shown strength in protecting yourself. So many of us get sucked back in immediately (like me).

It sounds like you're coming at this smart.

This is a good place for support and advice...the members here have a lot of knowledge.

doggiemom12 posted 6/20/2013 16:36 PM

Sorry you find yourself here.

This type of man will never change. Ever.
My late STBX was like this too.

See a lawyer to find out your rights. Move half the money into an account only you can access. Stay moved out. No contact except about kids and finances. Talk through your mediator.

Don't get sucked back in - it will only delay the inevitable. Focus on you now. Eat. Drink. Sleep. Get some meds from the doctor if you have to.


Ashland13 posted 6/20/2013 20:26 PM

This is some of what Perv did, too. I've been to two counselors, one MC he went to separately and both have said it's narcissism, for him.

He also has a porn addiction he kept from me for many years and basically it all boils down to control, for him. Other aspects of life point to that as well.

I was a very codependent person and am much less so now and have been alone for more than a year now. I was terrified too and horrified to let go of the dreams I had for a future and a life I had spent 20 years building with him-or so I thought.

There are so many, many lessons from this type of discovery in our lives, but when you pass through some of the fog you are in, Twilighter, you will hopefully see, as I've had too, that a person like your WH or Perv is probably not going to change, unfortunately.

You want to know a reason why? Perv, for instance, doesn't believe that anything is wrong with him! He thinks it's all me!

It was really difficult to come to the conclusions that I did, but filing for divorce has won me back some long-lost respect and pride in myself. I can't do everything my life and children's need, but I can do a damn lot more than he or anyone thought I could.

You can, too!

And you know, we don't need a man or other person, in reality. Something I am trying to let myself enjoy is being seen as an individual. I have had to put my rings away and have to put "ms" on forms, but I am me now. I'm not linked to that awful man and it sounds like your WH doesn't respect you, either.

I'm really sorry for your hard time and hope I haven't spoken harshly, but you sound just like me after DDay.

I lost 30 pounds and smells of food made me sick. The tears would not stop no matter where I was. I was and still am a walking zombie, a skeleton of myself, but I am still going.

I'm sorry to speak so much of me, but wanted to show you that even a formerly codependent person can survive, and then prevail!

FWIW, I had to come to a point of no more pain tolerance and I couldn't stand myself when I learned what he was really out doing behind my back.

I wish you well and some moments of peace where you can think.

One thing at a time.

SBB posted 6/20/2013 23:26 PM

The only thing worse than what I went through immediately after DD was the thought of living like that for one more day.

It is no way to live.

Please read everything in the healing library.

Please know you're not alone. Most of us have been where you are now. I was a hot mess at 5 days out and for several months afterwards.

The sun is shining on me again - though that hell I've been reborn free. I'm once again free to be me. You get so used to living in the vice that these toxic M's become our 'normal' when they are anything but normal.

Know that none of this is your fault - NONE. You did not cause it anymore than you could have stopped it. They do it because of a brokeness in them - it continues because we allow it to. Hope cripples us. Lots of us tell ourselves the wildest lies just to hold our families together.

Truth is our families were broken well before DD. Some of us either didn't know or we blinded ourselves to it. Time, distance, detachment all clear the BS fog - you stop focussing on them and what they are thinking/doing and start focussing on you and what you want in your life and what you do not want in your life.

((twilighter)) I'm sorry you found yourself here but I am glad you found this place. Keep reading, keep posting. Your fog will clear one day too and I promise it won't always hurt this bad.

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