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UMBL posted 6/20/2013 10:21 AM

I knew what I married...I knew his history..he is a sex addict and he had given me full disclosure before we married...he went to meetings and did the work. He is an amazing husband (my second) and a really really great father to my kids. He is thoughtful and patient and kind, or at least I thought he was. But somewhere in the past 4 years with step kids and life, we stopped connecting and communicating and we both built up walls and although I knew we had issues we needed to work on...I never thought he was back at it. But he was...for the past 8 months he had setup a new yahoo account name and subscribed to new groups and a fetish website. He was Unhappy Married But Looking (UMBL) screen name. I'm devastated...I feel like my whole life with him is a lie. and yet at the same time, I knew what I married..he had been married before and has struggled with this his whole life. And I think I just was in denial that it could happen again. I was so stupid..the signs were all there and I just didn't see them..or I didn't want to see them.

I found the history on his phone...all the chats during the work day. He immediately gave me the passwords to everything and i changed them so I could read everything on my own time. He immediately called his former sponsor and went to a meeting. He is going every other day to meetings. He has answered every question I have asked with humility and remorse. I have already been checked for STDs and I'm fine, thank God. I really don't think he ever met with anyone this time, because it would have shown up in all the messages - some reference back to it. He says he couldn't go through with it - he just wanted the fantasy. But I'm not stupid, and if I hadn't caught him, he probably would have eventually met up with someone - he always did before he went through the steps and we got married. I know him...I know all the dirty details...He gave me years and years of information and journals and old websites of all his online women and local hookups so I could know all of his history before I married him.

I am trying to find a counselor for me, and of course we are textbook hysterical bonding. What is wrong with me??? shouldn't I be disgusted by him?? He is now being tracked on his phone by GPS and hands it to me every night as he walks in the door. But I can't track him my whole life and I can't track him on his work computer where most of the damage was done. I dont' want to be 60 and married to a dirty man and yet I can't imagine one hour of my life without him. He is going to have relapses...I know do I live with that though? He is so sick...sooo sooo sooo sick. Some of what he has fantasized about with adults I can't even say out loud much less write...

the healing library and everyone's posts here have been so helpful to read. I have told him I'm not going anywhere right now, I'm not in any position to make any decisions other than financially protecting myself which I really did from the very beginning - separate accounts, etc..But I did tell him yesterday I wanted a postnup drawn up and he agreed to whatever I asked for.

I finally just felt the need to write some of my story out. Thank you all for listening.

Holly-Isis posted 6/20/2013 11:01 AM

The truth is, anyone is susceptible to an A if they encounter the right set of circumstances and haven't built their boundaries and dealt with their issues. Don't beat yourself up about this too much. You thought he was aware and had an accountability system in place.

I think if you're going to be M to an acknowledged addict of any kind, the issue will be continuous recovery.

My dad stopped drinking my junior year in HS. I'm getting ready to turn 40. He still goes to meetings at least once a week. Even when he came to visit us, he found a local meeting and went.

He immediately called his former sponsor and went to a meeting.

There should be no former...he should keep at his recovery. Many addicts quit when they feel they have mastered the behavior, but there's still the addictive attitudes and the underlying issues that bring up the addiction, the need to turn to something damaging as a coping mechanism.

Look into the legality of a postnup in your area. I was advised that they are not taken as seriously as a prenup. Consider the possibility of a D on paper then a prenup before remarriage.

1Faith posted 6/20/2013 11:21 AM

Hang in there. There are so many conflicting emotions because nothing is based on logic - it is all emotional right now.

Be kind to yourself. You did nothing wrong.

Please do read everything in the healing library and start IC for you. You need to understand how you will handle this going forward.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are not the person that chose to cheat.

He is going to have relapses...I know do I live with that though?

He doesn't HAVE to have relapses. If he gets serious about wanting to change his behavior and be a better man and husband he can. But only he can make those changes.

Good luck. Keep posting. We are all rooting for you.


UMBL posted 6/20/2013 11:24 AM

Thank you...thank you...and you are so right about the former sponsor.

He had convinced me that he was "content" and no longer had those urges and stopped going to meetings...and he was white-knuckling the whole time and then took it underground with a new screen name.

I pushed for him to keep flag. This is his recovery not mine...I have my own recovery I have to do. This time, he has to the do the work and go because he wants to, not because I want him to.

JustWow posted 6/20/2013 12:01 PM

Has he seen a CSAT (certified sex addiction thereapist)?

SA meetings are good, IMO, but not enough. A good CSAT can help get to the root cause of the addiction, help the recovering addict learn better tools for their toolbox.

Going to meeting might help some addicts get/stay sober, but , imo, without good therapy, they can end up white knucling it, and not be prepared to cope with the next crisis and then relapse pretty easily.

[This message edited by JustWow at 12:01 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/20/2013 12:30 PM

Oh lordy, you do have a burden on your shoulders with someone who will occasionally continue to 'fall off the wagon' - and have a "medical" excuse to get away with it every time he does.

I guess you need to weigh living with this ticking time bomb against the overall positive benefits of the situation. Only you can decide how much you're able to withstand.

Sending you much strength.

JustWow posted 6/20/2013 14:07 PM

who will occasionally continue to 'fall off the wagon' - and have a "medical" excuse to get away with it every time he does.

no and no. No more than a diabetic has an excuse when they go into a diabetic coma for binging on sugar. SA is a treatable diagnosis, and with treatment can be recovered from, as any addiction can. A diagnosis does not equal a life sentence for either the addict or the spouse.

UMBL posted 6/21/2013 10:35 AM

Just Wow - thank you so much for that statement...I feel rather hopeless at this point. I do believe addicts can recover but they have to want it for themselves not just because they got caught. I really honestly do not know where my WH is in his head with that. He voluntarily last night went to his meeting and they gave him the name of a CSAT here in town that can help both of us that he told me he was calling this morning.

you guys are such a lifeline...and it helps so much to talk about it to someone..obviously this is not something that can get out or that I can talk about with anyone IRL other than a therapist.

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