I knew what I married...I knew his history..he is a sex addict and he had given me full disclosure before we married...he went to meetings and did the work. He is an amazing husband (my second) and a really really great father to my kids. He is thoughtful and patient and kind, or at least I thought he was. But somewhere in the past 4 years with step kids and life, we stopped connecting and communicating and we both built up walls and although I knew we had issues we needed to work on...I never thought he was back at it. But he was...for the past 8 months he had setup a new yahoo account name and subscribed to new groups and a fetish website. He was Unhappy Married But Looking (UMBL)...my screen name. I'm devastated...I feel like my whole life with him is a lie. and yet at the same time, I knew what I married..he had been married before and has struggled with this his whole life. And I think I just was in denial that it could happen again. I was so stupid..the signs were all there and I just didn't see them..or I didn't want to see them.
I found the history on his phone...all the chats during the work day. He immediately gave me the passwords to everything and i changed them so I could read everything on my own time. He immediately called his former sponsor and went to a meeting. He is going every other day to meetings. He has answered every question I have asked with humility and remorse. I have already been checked for STDs and I'm fine, thank God. I really don't think he ever met with anyone this time, because it would have shown up in all the messages - some reference back to it. He says he couldn't go through with it - he just wanted the fantasy. But I'm not stupid, and if I hadn't caught him, he probably would have eventually met up with someone - he always did before he went through the steps and we got married. I know him...I know all the dirty details...He gave me years and years of information and journals and old websites of all his online women and local hookups so I could know all of his history before I married him.
I am trying to find a counselor for me, and of course we are textbook hysterical bonding. What is wrong with me??? shouldn't I be disgusted by him?? He is now being tracked on his phone by GPS and hands it to me every night as he walks in the door. But I can't track him my whole life and I can't track him on his work computer where most of the damage was done. I dont' want to be 60 and married to a dirty man and yet I can't imagine one hour of my life without him. He is going to have relapses...I know that...how do I live with that though? He is so sick...sooo sooo sooo sick. Some of what he has fantasized about with adults I can't even say out loud much less write...
the healing library and everyone's posts here have been so helpful to read. I have told him I'm not going anywhere right now, I'm not in any position to make any decisions other than financially protecting myself which I really did from the very beginning - separate accounts, etc..But I did tell him yesterday I wanted a postnup drawn up and he agreed to whatever I asked for.
I finally just felt the need to write some of my story out. Thank you all for listening.