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User Topic: Feeling sad and guilty today-long post
Lackingcourage
♀ 39394
Member # 39394
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night my WH asked me if I wanted to go to a late dinner with an old friend who was in town to give a lecture. I declined as I had been at work all day, then had a class and had gone out to dinner with same old friend and WH the night before. I was tired and wanted to stay home with DD to help her get ready for her big trip abroad. I was very conscious of the fact that WH brought up in MC that he invites me to all of these events and I never go, which is untrue. I go to so many partys and fundraisers and dinners where I don't know a soul that I feel like a pastor's wife sometimes! At any rate,he texted me where they were eating and that my best friend and confidante for all things affair related was with him. She has expressed to me an uncertainty about how to handle WH because he has lied so much and been unremorseful. I felt anger towards her but unfortunately took it out on DD by being impatient and irritable with her, for which I feel really guilty. Later, when WH still wasn't home, I texted my friend to see if she was still with him, no answer. Texted WH to see where he was and also called, no answer. Sent email to friend asking what time he left her. I did what my IC told me not to do which is check his location using his iPad locating device and saw he was at a park where he would meet a previous AP, and maybe the most recent, but who knows. Got REALLY angry, called/texted again "who are you with?", no answer. His location started to move towards home and he called me and told me he was just leaving work. I said I knew he was lying,he insisted he wasn't and continued to insist he wasn't lying when he got home and said I could ask my friend. He finally admitted to being a park and had been watching glow in the dark frisbee golf. Couldn't give an answer as to why he didn't just admit to it in the first place, other than if he told me he was in the park, then I would think he was with AP. Said he didn't realize I was going to track his every move with his iPad, which I hadn't told him I had done (it is the same way I recently discovered he was at OWs house, violating NC because she "needed to talk" to him about the chances of being able to start dating him since she was finally single, but he declined saying he was committed to marriage, but that's a whole other story. Point is he couldn't figure out how I knew he was there). Discussion ensued in which he said he felt bad about what he'd done, I said he had implied earlier that he felt his actions were justified and that showed a lack of remorse because he felt like he "deserved" to have someone else. He said he hadn't signed up for the type of marriage we had. I realize that I didn't make him have affairs, but I still feel terrible about how I treated him. I was disrepectful, impatient, nasty and often a b***h. He was generally kind and patient with me, but was reluctant to talk about problems, especially if it was an issue about him. I definitely feel that I have failed in this relationship, though would have preferred he had left rather than drag me through this 3 times. I have stayed partly because I want to make amends for my behaviors and we were making progress toward that goal when I discovered that he was still deeply involved with his AP while we were working hard on our marriage. How can I resolve my guilty feelings about my failures in the M? My friend also called this morning and was upset that I was trying to get her involved, so I feel guilty about that. And I feel sick to my stomach that I spied on WH again, but suspicious about how he figured out I was using his iPad locator (he is not technically savvy, but OW is, so it seems plausible he talked with her about it; previously I would find out they were still involved from her, another long story). I'm a bit of a basket case this morning. Help!!

[This message edited by Lackingcourage at 10:25 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]


BW 51
WS 50
DD -- which time?
Married 24 yrs, 2 kids 19 and 22
Reconciling maybe?-- Nope, false alarm. He continued to lie, I asked him to leave. Plan on divorce. Divorce final 11/17/14

Posts: 67 | Registered: May 2013
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His story doesn't make sense. Why didn't either of them respond to your texts? If your friend expressed uncertainty about how to handle your WH, then why was she even with him at dinner? And I'm sorry, but I do not believe he was at that park to watch frisbee golf.

My friend also called this morning and was upset that I was trying to get her involved

Hmmm...didn't she involve herself by being with your WH in the first place? Something is fishy here.


A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 13880 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^I agree.

He is lying.

And your "friend" is full of shit. She doesn't have to "handle" him at all. And since you knew they were together,for both of them to not answer their phones and then get pissed that you were upset is absolute shit. If this woman was your friend she wouldn't be upset with you...nor would she be alone with your WH.

If he knew going to that park would upset you(and it should) then he should never go to that park again for any reason. But he went..and he lied about it.

Why do you feel guilty for checking on your WH's whereabouts? If I read correctly,he has cheated on you THREE times. Why *wouldn't* you check on him??


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8084 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Lackingcourage
♀ 39394
Member # 39394
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, I should clarify. Friend is truly a friend of the marriage, was a good friend of both of us before the latest revelation. She values both of us greatly and has been quite angry at WH for his treatment of me. They were not at dinner alone last night, there were 2 other people. It was a spontaneous happening and she wanted to have a chance to meet long-time friend of ours who was one of the others at the dinner because they work in the same field. And-- she often doesn't answer her cell phone, similar to WH. No suspicions of friend, at all. Park story? That's what I'm confused about. But mostly, I need to figure out how to deal with my guilt in the failings of our marriage. And it's not fair for me to ask friend to choose between us, just like it's not fair for me to ask DD to pick sides. They have a right to their own choices.


BW 51
WS 50
DD -- which time?
Married 24 yrs, 2 kids 19 and 22
Reconciling maybe?-- Nope, false alarm. He continued to lie, I asked him to leave. Plan on divorce. Divorce final 11/17/14

Posts: 67 | Registered: May 2013
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why are you not allowed to spy on your husband? That's terrible advice from your counselor.

He should be available to you 24/7. he doesn't have an option of not answering your calls or texts.

I agree with the others. I totally think he was with his AP. I'm sorry to say it so bluntly. But he is lying.

Next, we all fail in some ways in our marriages. Our partners are welcome to deal with that in healthy ways; taking us to counseling, filing for divorce, etc. While yes, we all must own our behavior, you didn't make him have an affair. And you do not owe it to him or anyone to continue in a marriage with an unremorseful cheater.

I strongly encourage you to read some things in the Healing Library, and maybe Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6693 | Registered: Jan 2011
unfound
♀ 12802
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

are the two of you trying to reconcile? doesn't sound like HE is.

1- after an affair, the ws should be not just accountable for his whereabouts, but give prior notice to their whereabouts. not only is this a part of rebuilding trust, but just down right being respectful to your spouse.

2- same park as before? red flag

3-glow in the dark frisbee golf??? did he have a large sum of money riding on the winner? is he a bottom of the totem pole sports reporter for a local cable network? did his boyish sense of whimsey think there were fireflies in the distance and he wanted to go chase them and catch them in mason jars???



3-being bent that you knew where he was and can't figure out how???? sucks to be him.

if he wants this M to work, he'll understand that in order to regain your trust, he's got to do some things that HE may not deem necessary, but are imperative.


don't beat yourself up over what you may or may not have done wrong in the M. no-one is perfect and like many have said, he had a CHOICE. he could have ignored it, divorced you or sought counseling if your behavior was bothering him or it was affecting your M.

deal with the A and it's after effects now. he needs to figure out why he made the choices he did, own his shit, do anything you NEED to show you he is serious about staying in this M, and learn healthy behaviors.

give yourself a break and some time before you start to shoulder all these ideas that you did anything to cause his behavior. I hope you come to accept that no matter what you did, other than agreeing to him having an affair, constitutes the choices he made and IS making now.

stand firm. sit down and talk with him (or to him if he's not going to participate in a healthy conversation). tell him that things are different now, and therefore, he will need to behave differently, as a person and as your husband or you will rethink your place in this marriage.

*edited cause I've forgotten how to be literate

[This message edited by unfound at 1:13 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14877 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
Lackingcourage
♀ 39394
Member # 39394
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why are you not allowed to spy on your husband? That's terrible advice from your counselor.

Actually, Rebreather, I think she may be right. As she told me, it's just another page from the same chapter, of course I can't trust him and I only hurt myself by spying on him. Had I not done it, I would have had a much nicer night with my DD. Time is so precious with her now that she is leaving for a year in a few weeks. I spend so much time angry now that I'm not so much fun to be around anyway, so any added angst makes it worse. As far as the Shirley Glass book, that's the book we were working with when I was informed they were still involved and that he had, in fact, shared the book with OW. He thought it was important for her to read since not only was she having an affair, but her husband was too! He felt it was important she be aware of the resource and saw absolutely no irony in that. He also wants us to be friends (OW and I?!!-- sometimes I wonder what planet he's from)

3-glow in the dark frisbee golf??? did he have a large sum of money riding on the winner? is he a bottom of the totem pole sports reporter for a local cable network? did his boyish sense of whimsey think there were fireflies in the distance and he wanted to go chase them and catch them in mason jars???

Actually, Unfound, he has ADD and would totally do that, like the time he thought he saw a bobcat in the forest and ran off to chase it. He has really poor impulse control which everyone else thinks is charming, but is a bit tedious to live with.
I don't blame myself for the affairs. I do blame myself for being the source of a lot of problems in the relationship and that's where my struggle comes in. Had I been a better partner, would he have gone looking for others? He implies not, but who knows. I have basically been trying the 180, but failed big time last night. Sigh. It is so hard.

[This message edited by Lackingcourage at 2:01 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]


BW 51
WS 50
DD -- which time?
Married 24 yrs, 2 kids 19 and 22
Reconciling maybe?-- Nope, false alarm. He continued to lie, I asked him to leave. Plan on divorce. Divorce final 11/17/14

Posts: 67 | Registered: May 2013
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But if you hadn't checked on him,you wouldn't know he is still lying to you. You wouldn't know he was at *that* park.


Blind trust renders you powerless.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8084 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
unfound
♀ 12802
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

... he has ADD and would totally do that

so does mr unfound. does he recognize that this behavior is not acceptable and is he willing to go get help for it??? if it's hurting you and the M, I think he would want to.


He has really poor impulse control which everyone else thinks is charming, but is a bit tedious to live with.

another reason for him to seek help. unless he acknowledges this and owns up to it, the behavior will continue and continue...


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14877 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
Topic Posts: 9

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