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Need Advice - BS input welcome

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Happeningtome posted 6/20/2013 11:47 AM

Hi - Wasn't sure if I should be posting this in the Wayward forum, but as we are doing well in R, I thought I would post here.

Here is my dilemma. Shortly after Dday, my BH verbally confronted the OM, when he found him parked one block away from our house. My BH spoke his mind and left. Shortly after that, the OM's BW emailed and called my BH, because the OM was 'very upset' by the things my BH said to him. She ended the correspondence by asking that our two families not interfere with one another ever again. My WH and I had already decided that complete NC with OM, his BW, and anyone that associated with them were not helpful to our healing process, so we have easily held firm to NC with all of them.

However, the OM's BW continued to contact me periodically (I blocked her from email after a few months) and she also would act friendly with my WH, if she ever saw him (even if OM was with her).

I recently learned that OM's BW called a mutual friend, asking him why he doesn't ever associate with OM anymore, and if he would ever consider being friends with him again. Just to put this request in perspective, this friend's wife left him for another man, who happens to be OM's best buddy. Yep, we live in a very small town.

Anyhow, OM used his friendship with this man as cover for some of his A activities, and so he told BW "No, I will not be friends with your WH, ever."

OM's BW proceeded to tell him he was hypocritical and overly judgmental, primarily because he is still friends with me (he and my BH are very good friends) and that I was really horrible not just because of the A, but because I don't ever respond to any of her messages, including the one she most recently sent to me apologizing to me (?) for all of the stuff she said/did following Dday.

I'm sorry, but I am totally confused as to what is the "correct" course of action, other than to continue NC and focus on my WH and our R. I know this woman had a second Dday about 6 months after mine, and 2 of the OW she discovered on that day were her good friends. I know she still associates at some level with this OW, as their children are in the same activities and they all carpool, etc. Her two best friends are OW who left their BH's for their OM.

Is it possible that the OM and his BW have a completely different perspective on A's, and NC than we do? I don't have any plans to reach out to her and cause her any more pain, but if she is getting more angry at me because of NC, is that something I need to be concerned about? She has apparently only tries to email, never phone, text, mail, go through my BH, drop a note at my door, etc., so I'm puzzled why my lack of response is upsetting her so badly. If she truly wanted to communicate with me, she easily could. Help!

doesitgetbetter posted 6/20/2013 12:01 PM

NC. She is making her own rules and expecting you to abide by them and then changing them again. She told you from the beginning that she wanted NC, so stick with that. If she's going around and telling all her friends that you're crazy because you don't want to be friends with her or her WH won't be friends with your BH, then that's her problem.

musiclovingmom posted 6/20/2013 12:12 PM

If I understand you correctly, you had an A with her H and now she is upset that you aren't talking to her? As a BS who was friends with one of the OW prior to the A, this just sounds crazy to me. I couldn't imagine WANTING to be in contact with her. Period. I absolutely think maintaining NC is best for your relationship.

JustWow posted 6/20/2013 12:13 PM

I'm sorry, but I am totally confused as to what is the "correct" course of action, other than to continue NC and focus on my WH and our R.

Sounds to me like you know exactly the right course of action. Stay that course.

losingmyground posted 6/20/2013 12:17 PM

Maintain NC. And by the way....the BW was right to call out this friend that still associates with you. Your behavior was just as bad as the WH.

My guess is that this friend is more a friend of your BH, not yours.

If you have given her all the information you can and have been truthful, then continue to block them.

Funny how small towns work and that people are willing to have such bad behavior knowing what the outcome would be.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 6/20/2013 12:38 PM

Stick to NC. Don't get on that crazy train!

Happeningtome posted 6/20/2013 12:42 PM

Thanks for all the quick responses, and I'm glad that my initial instinct to stay NC has your support.

Losingmyground: As far as I know, the BW has never asked me for anything - no details, no information, a response, nothing. She stopped communicating with my WH when he started giving her details she wasn't getting from her WH.

To Anyone: is it possible there are BS's out there that choose to associate with the OW after an A? Do 'momogomish' or poly couples avoid this site in general? I don't know for sure if that is the type of relationship they have, but it's a distinct possibility.

Rebreather posted 6/20/2013 12:45 PM

Yeah, this is kind of a hot mess. Many people don't know how to deal with infidelity in a healthy manner, and many fight really hard not to have it blow apart their entire world. Sadly, that battle is a lost cause. Things HAVE to change. She could very well be trying to keep some modicum of control in her life, not realizing that it will cause her more pain in the long run. And certainly being surrounded by cheaters must skew your thoughts in some ways. My heart goes out to her.

I'm trying to think of BS's here who have reached out to APs and what kind of response was most helpful. Certainly an outpouring of genuine remorse from you could be of assistance. Or a detailed timeline to answer any questions she might have. If you can't do those things, then NC would be the route to continue.

wert posted 6/20/2013 12:57 PM

I think context is just about everything.

If OM's BS reached out to me for something I would address her. My W needs to sit on the sidelines for this crap. IMO so do you.

I would turn to your BH and ask him how he wants to handle it. If I were him I would address her in person and kindly explain that the pain that all of this has caused him drives the separation needed. Follow that with we are trying to work through this as a couple and would appreciate her respecting that and by staying away. It's not judgement, it's pain and safety that drive that need for separation and it comes from him.

Guessing what's happening with this women? who knows. The BW in our betrayal was a trophy wife. OM man was a repeat cheater and she didn't want to leave the gravy train. No kids. I only bring this up because the world is filled with all kinds and guessing motives is a fools game.

IMO let BH drive the train.

take care...

[This message edited by wert at 12:59 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

doesitgetbetter posted 6/20/2013 13:04 PM

I have a friend who is friends with a WW/BH couple. The WW had an A with the BH's best friend. The BH found out, life imploded for a period of time, and about a year later the BH wanted to be friends with his best friend again, so he did. They see each other for lunch at least once a week now, the WW does not have any contact with the OM. The BH didn't want to lose his best friend OR his wife over this, and he was able to forgive them both.

I would never be able to do that myself, but for them, it works.

Pudding posted 6/20/2013 15:37 PM

One of the biggest difficulties I have faced in all this is that my OW and her OWH see that there is no ham whatsoever in my FWH remaining friends with OW? Until I stopped it last July (when I found out)' OWH regularly drove my FWH and OW out to the bar for their works nights out, even though 5 years before they had conceived OC in the back of OWHs car after one such night. OWH is raising OC as his and is perfectly happy that his wife continues to socialise with the biological father.

I do not get it. I confronted OWH, but he told me I was being stupid to make a fuss bout it. They were just friends and wouldn't shag again etc. it was only finding SI that I found people who felt like me and said NC NC NC.

I only began to heal when FWH went NC and we have only been ale to rebuild our marriage with NC. I can't see any other way, but there are those who seem to cope with it. I can't explain it. Maybe marriage is not such a big thing for them, maybe they are rug sweeping to an extraordinary level. I don't know, but I couldn't do it.

Happeningtome posted 6/20/2013 19:07 PM

Thanks everyone - I appreciate your willingness to share your thoughts and advice!

CLRhope4her posted 6/20/2013 22:35 PM

My OW was my ex-BFF of 20 years. I cut off all communication after DDay until a few months later when she tried to start up the A with my WH again. Then I let her have it and warned her to NEVER come near my family again. Only one time in a year have I seen her. I got my daughter, and my WH and I left the restaurant. (Small town so I don't go out much anymore). When I left I was physically, psychologically and emotionally ill. And I stayed that way for days. I wouldn't be happier if she disappeared forever never to be seen or heard from again.

So, this BW's behavior is bizarre to me. All I can figure is she's kinda gone off the deep end. I know my thoughts weren't rational or sane after DDay. And if she's had multiple ddays including best friends she just might not know which end is up. When a friend betrays you as well you feel you really have nothing left to lose. I think she could be refocusing pain she has no control over with an Obsession that isn't normal. NC is what she needs. She'll discover she'll have to handle
Her pain in another way.

RockyMtn posted 6/21/2013 08:22 AM

I'm going to play the devil's advocate here a bit and go more with what Rebreather said:

I'm trying to think of BS's here who have reached out to APs and what kind of response was most helpful. Certainly an outpouring of genuine remorse from you could be of assistance.

If I reached out to the AP and I got NC - I'd be troubled. Honestly, I don't think it reflects well on a remorseful WW. If a WW is remorseful - which I am sure you are - then that remorse should be exhibited to the OM's BW as well. Even if the BW asked for NC to start with, things change, needs change, especially after a 2nd D-Day as she experienced. This BW has been through a lot - sounds like she had multiple friendships decimated by her WH. Speaking with OW was incredibly helpful to me. She lied a bit, was sort of a douche in other ways - but it was helpful for me to get some answers from her, to "read" her and just process it with her presence. It doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but it worked for me - and maybe that's what this BW needs.

BH comes first. What does he think? I realize you decided on NC from the get-go, but how is he feeling about the other BS needs at this point since it sounds like she'd like to communicate with you somehow?

My gut would be to do this, if your BH is OK with this:
Respond to one of her contact attempts with genuine remorse. Tell her you need to focus on rebuilding your M and that your BH is your priority and all energy will go there. If she needs to talk, vent, or ask questions, then you will do so for a set period of time (offer one meeting, or a brief exchange of emails to end by a certain date) and then you will return your focus to your own M. Just tell her that you want to provide her what she needs but the contact cannot go on indefinitely. Be gentle.

By setting a clear end date in writing, you also have something to cite should she continue contact or if it escalates to anything scary (i.e. restraining order).

ETA: After I wrote this and re-read some of the responses, I think I'm just frustrated that BSs are coming out saying what is best for this BS. We all process differently. We all have different needs. Maybe she won't realize "NC IS BEST!" because...maybe NC isn't best for her? I guess I think any BS deserves to have reasonable requests met in order to help them heal. And, yes, I think contact with your WS AP is reasonable so long as you're willing to respect the AP's focus on their marriage.

Good luck, this isn't easy.

[This message edited by RockyMtn at 8:30 AM, June 21st (Friday)]

Nailinmyforehead posted 6/21/2013 08:46 AM

Stay NC- that is the only way to forge ahead with R.

Happeningtome posted 6/21/2013 14:37 PM

Hi RockyMtn - Thanks for your feedback. I wanted to give a few more details, just explain a bit more.

Shortly after Dday, I did reach out to the OM's BW to extend my sincere apologies and remorse, at a time/place/manner of her choosing, as I did not want to force my presence on her. My offer was not well received, and I completely understood, as my BH would not have reacted well to a similar offer from her WH at that time. I left it as an open ended offer. Her subsequent messages to me were not inquiries or questions, but more like a list of my shortcomings, all of the reasons she knew "why" I had an A and what I needed to do to fix myself. I accepted her need to vent to me, and never defended myself or made excuses. In fact, the only time I responded to her was to tell her I was 100% focused on my family and my BH, that I had no interest in contacting her WH ever again, and that she was welcome to contact my BH to verify that this was true (which she did).

In the following months, she continued to send me her "lists". They all followed a similar pattern. Again, she never asked me to confirm anything her WH had told her, and she never asked me to respond or contact her with a response. So I just stayed NC. After a while, I blocked her emails. I heard she had a 2nd Dday about 6 months later, and 4 more OW were revealed.

Late last year, 2 friends of mine contacted me to let me know the BW had contacted them, wondering if I had received a message she had sent me, because I had never responded. She also stated she "wasn't expecting a response". I hadn't received the message, but I asked my friends to delete it after I told them I knew the gist of her messages, and if it was along those lines, I didn't need to see another one. They both agreed it followed the pattern of her previous messages, and they did not forward it on to me.

Now, apparently she is telling a mutual friend that she sent me another message, with an apology, and is still puzzled why I am not responding. I have not seen this message, so I'm not sure it actually was ever sent. Even if it was, unless she specifically asked for a response or had questions for me, I probably would just stay NC, per our desire to stay NC with anyone associated with the OM. If she did want a response, I would definitely talk to my BH about it. He has not had positive interactions with the BW, so he is usually in favor of NC in all instances.

I know that's a lot of information, but I think it provides more context. Again, we live in a super small town (<5000), the BW has my phone #, my home address, knows where I live, what kind of cars we drive. She has many ways to contact me if she really wanted me to respond to her or answer her questions. I'm would be open to a one-time discussion, but again, no requests are ever included in her messages.

Do you think she is just looking for a "I received your message" type of response? I feel so sad for the BW for everything she has gone through, I am horrified at the damage I caused to her and her family, and I do not want to do anything that would add to her pain. From everything I read on SI (including the majority of responses here), NC = No New Hurts.

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