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how to deal with pain???

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Tear posted 6/20/2013 13:27 PM

my h had love affair for a year before i caught him....currently in r but am so could he do that to our ten year relationship and ruin our family. how do you deal with the pain???? will it ever get better????

1Faith posted 6/20/2013 13:42 PM

Dear Tear

Welcome to SI. Sorry that you have had to find your way to this site but please know that it is filled with people who understand and care.

I hope both you and your husband are in IC. He must figure out what allowed him to choose to cheat. He rationalized his behavior based on lies and misconceptions. You will never fully understand the how or the why. There is nothing logical about the lies, deceit and hurt of betrayal.

You will need help figuring out how to cope and navigate the waters.

Please see your doctor if you are having trouble coping with day to day life and/or trouble sleeping.

Dealing with an affair takes its toll on your mind, body and soul. It is a lot to absorb.

You have just been given a ticket to the rollercoaster from hell. You will have bad days, good days and just existing days. All perfectly normal so don't beat yourself up over your vacillating emotions. You are in shock.

You are mourning the marriage you thought you had, you are mourning the man you thought you were married to. You are grieving. Hence the immense pain.

I include the timeline for healing below so you have context on how long the process can take. It is a process.

Take care of you. Try and eat and sleep well. You will need your energy.

We are all here and are rooting for you.

Keep moving.

Timeline of Recovery

Good timeline I found on another site...Hope this helps..

Q: How Long Will It Take Me To Heal From This?

A: There is no set time line. On the average it's 1-2 years to heal from betrayal. 3-5 years is not out of the norm.

Below is a general guide, not everyone heals in the same amount of time as others, there are variables to consider in each individual's situation. It's a rollercoaster ride, emotionally and physically, but I promise you - you can and will survive. But, you will never be the same and that's not always a bad thing.

D-day to 6 months is devastation; you're done with life, in shock and sick at heart. You are raw emotionally and never knew such despair could be felt.

6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable.

9-12 months you can actually go about 15 minutes without thinking about "it." One morning I stepped out of the shower and realized that I hadn't thought of the affair yet. But sadly, those times were few and far between. You're still up and down emotionally.

Then at 12 months, sobbing again with the disappointment in your spouses selfishness

14 months you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment.

18 months the incredible crush of despair is gone. You wake up one morning and realize that the A was something that happened, not something that is happening.

20 months you no longer feel like your world is in danger. Trusting again, with your heart if not with your brain. Constantly questioning your own feelings but you realize it is fear stalking you now, not danger.

22 months you can see a future. You don't cry at the drop of a hat. You can watch television without falling apart at a love scene. Actually feeling almost back to your normal self. You finally loose that sense of being "outside" yourself.

The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great at five weeks and then you hit the bottom of the well at 12 weeks. You can be raging at 10 months with a horrible anger that never appeared early on.

PrincessPeach06 posted 6/20/2013 13:53 PM

((((Hugs)))). I am so sorry.

I have no real words of advice but I am right there with you and the pain sucks. :(. It is so consuming but I keep telling myself it will just take time although I doubt it will ever go away 100%.

1Faith posted 6/20/2013 13:59 PM

GRIEF HAS NO TIMETABLE: Grief often takes much longer than the bereaved or the people in their lives expect. It helps to take one hour, one day at a time.

REMEMBER: People have natural inclination to recover. Eventually, you’ll look back and realize; you weren’t going crazy…you were grieving.


It is important to understand the various experiences of grief.

Everyone does not necessarily go through every experience, nor do they go through them in any set order.

Each person has his or her own timetable and his or her own style of grief. You may struggle with several feelings at the same time.

The depth and duration of each experience is different for everyone. You may experience a feeling briefly, intermittently or struggle with it daily.

Understanding the various phases helps you to cope.

Knowing that others have gone through this pain and have eventually been able to reinvest themselves in life gives one a sense of HOPE.


1) Disbelief; shock
2) sobbing, crying
3) physical symptoms
4) why
5) Denial

We can go back and forth throw all of them, including the first 5 many times on the journey to healing.

Good luck.

PhoenixGirl posted 6/20/2013 15:16 PM

((Tear)). Looks like you just registered here a few months ago, so all of this is so new to you. I really like 1Faith's timeline because it lets you know that all of the incredible devastation you are feeling is COMPLETELY NORMAL! There will come a day when you will find that you have gone 15 minutes without thinking about the A. Another day when you have gone hours.

Sadly - it take a while for that day to get here - but in the meantime, you have support here.

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