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Rocketqueen posted 6/20/2013 13:47 PM

Hi everyone, I have been lurking for a little while and decided to jump in and introduce myself.

My WH and I are "recovering" from his 5 month affair with a former co-worker. I had discovered the affair in 11/11 but stupidly believed they really were just friends but I still told him not to text her anymore. It wasn't until 1/12 that I realized that they were still in contact and they were more than friends, so I kicked him out.

Fast forward to 3/12, my WH went NC and in 5/12 moved in with me and the kids.

Recovery has been a struggle. The yimeline he gave me was sparse and dishonest and he TT'd me until a poly in 11/12 which he failed and the examiner was able to get more info from here. We have only been to 2 counseling sessions a year ago but they weren't helpful. We don't talk about his affair at all.

Anyway, I feel like my WH hasn't done much to grow as a person even though he is not the alien he was then. I also feel that my healing has been stunted because we have just swept it under the rug.

Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

SorrowBhindSmile posted 6/20/2013 14:13 PM

Welcome. you will find a wonderful community of people here. they have been a life saver to me.

My biggest piece of advice to you is dont rug sweep. All that does is ignore the problems and create the environment for another affair to happen in the future.

It is SOOOO hard, so very difficult. This is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. But facing everything head on working through it is the best.

Number one on you. Get strong. Work thru your feelings with a good quality counselor. That has helped me tremendously.

If your WH is willing, (which he should be if he is truly remorseful and wants to fix whats wrong with him) he should see his own individual counselor to work thru his issues.

I suggest a few books that helped me. Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. I also read After the Affair. I have not read it, but many on this site have sworn by How To Help Your Spouse Heal From An Affair for your WH to read. Perhaps him reading these books will open his eyes to what you are going thru.

Number one thing...keep the lines of communication open. Talk about it. Talk about your feelings. Tell him how you feel and why. Yes, its uncomfortable. Yes, its painful. But dont let that pain fester inside you. Let it out.

hugs to you. Know you are not alone.

Rocketqueen posted 6/20/2013 15:02 PM

Sorrow, thank you for your reply.

I should have mentioned that I have been in IC and see my therapist monthly.

I have also read "Not Just Friends".

I had bought my WH the book "How to help your spouse heal" but he never read it. It just sits there and collects dust.

I don't want to rugsweep but it seems that he does. I would feel much better than I do now if I knew that he was working on himself.

[This message edited by Rocketqueen at 3:04 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

easiersaid posted 6/20/2013 15:19 PM

How about doing him the favor he didn't do for you: be totally honest with him. Tell him that you are struggling to get past this, and need his help. The "how to help your spouse" book was probably the first thing that got through to my WH. It is *so* easy to just fall back into the routine of life. Ask him to read it. Give him a reasonable timeframe...he could do it in one month with 1 hour a week...if he refuses, that tells you something that you clearly need to know.

Best of luck.

SorrowBhindSmile posted 6/20/2013 15:30 PM

Do you guys have an MC?? While IC is wonderful for you, maybe MC would help??

That would be very hurtful to me if i bought that book for my WH and he didnt read it.

I know you have already read it....but my WH and i read Not Just Friends together. Then, after every few chapters we would talk about what we read, what we got from it, and what we learned. Perhaps your WH would be willing to do that with you??? Or if you read the Help Your Spouse Heal book together....the discuss what you read.

Is he doing ANYTHING to work on himself??? does he come to SI? research stuff on the internet?? read any books? talk to an IC??

1Faith posted 6/20/2013 15:36 PM


You have to talk about what is bothering you.

When you state your husband hasn't really changed, what do you mean? What does change look like to you? What would you want/need to see that is different?

I firmly believe your husband has to understand and dig deep on WHY he chose to cheat. If he doesn't do a deep dive and recognize those feelings how can he prevent it from happening again?

Would he consider doing IC?

Can you sit down and simply say I want to talk about the affair? Yes, it is in the past but I feel in limbo because I have so many unanswered questions. I want us to be better and stronger for one another. I need to discuss this with you because I love and care about you and our marriage.

One step at a time. You can make it through but if you never discuss what is in your heart you will continued to feel stuck.

Good luck. We are rooting for you.


[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:36 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

Rocketqueen posted 6/21/2013 08:16 AM

Easier said, I will start to be honest about my feelings. It is hard because I have been told NOT to talk about it. I also have trouble communicating with my WH. My thoughts get all tangled up but if I write it down, it is easier.

Thank you

Rocketqueen posted 6/21/2013 08:19 AM

Sorrow, he has done nothing to work on himself. No IC, no posting, no reading, he won't even listen to a daily radio program that I suggested. It's quite frustrating.

I have brought up MC to help us communicate but honestly, I have yet to find one that I like.

Rocketqueen posted 6/21/2013 08:21 AM

1faith, I guess what I mean is that he hasn't done anything to "work on his shit". Which makes me not feel safe.

WoundedOpus posted 6/21/2013 10:21 AM

I am pretty much exactly where you are, and we're 5 years out :/

We tried MC early after discovery, but I think it was not only too soon, he wasn't really passed the phase of making excuses and blaming me for his A. Plus, I think it was the wrong MC for dealing with an affair. She was just way to willing to have us focus on the marital issues and giving us assignments to help us to reconnect...basically also blaming our marital issues and rugsweeping the A!

My fWH has done what yours is/hasn't done any of the things you're needing your H to do.

Finally, after too many setbacks to count, I decided to focus on me more. I never read any of the books, wouldn't spend much time here on SI, basically avoided digging too deep because I figured what's the point, unless he was willing to take this journey with me I was afraid I'd just hurt myself mor, and how much could it truly help if he was still in denial and avoidance mode? Well, about 2 weeks ago I just gave up pretending to be happy, decided to stop hiding from the pain and began to read, explore and help myself. After a few days, I confronted fWH. I put it all out there. Let him know exactly how I felt, what I'd been reading/working on, and let him know he could either join me or get left behind. I sent him some links (to SI and books, Not Just Friends and How to Help Your Spouse..). He sent back a ridiculously short '"I get it" response and proceeded to do nothing. Another few days later I flipped my lid during our dinner date and walked off. Made it clear I was done. Done pretending and hiding and faking it all.

Well, he's reading. The rest is yet to come...

The point in sharing some of my back story is, don't be me. Don't wait 5 years to say enough is enough. I don't want to divorce, but I can not live like this. I'm 100% committed to working on us and being happy together, but like your husband, he has to decide if he is as well.

Hugs and prayers to you that your WH starts to get it and makes a true effort to give you what you need and deserve and works on himself as well!

Rebreather posted 6/21/2013 10:27 AM

Who told you not to talk about it? Bad advice.

I think you are going to have to sit him down and explain the way you two have attempted to recover from his betrayal is a bad method, it is not working, and you aren't healing or feeling safe. And that you have some ideas to help things progress, but it will be painful and uncomfortable for both of you, but in order to move to a healthy marriage with two healthy individuals it simply must be done.

I would find a new MC, and both of you should enter IC. Then I would suggest you both read Not Just Friends, and How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. Then begin to discuss the affair, and your fears and feelings.

Good luck.

Rocketqueen posted 6/21/2013 10:51 AM

WoundedOpus, I fear that things will not change come 5 years from now :(

I had the same exact problem as you with the MC. I would talk while he sat ther silently and the MC did not seem to have a clue about dealing with an affair!

I was done back in November after he failed the poly. But then he started to do things things like read and set up MC and post on another forum. "Damage Control" pretty much to keep me thinking he was a"all in" finally. But it petered out eventually.

Like you, I don't want a divorce but I don't want to live like this. I find myself withdrawing from him more and more.

Rocketqueen posted 6/21/2013 10:54 AM

Rebreather - it was said on another forum that talking about the affair brings the past into the present and doesn't help with moving forward. So I've kept quiet and suffered.

I will take a second look at those books as well. But I feel like I shouldn't have to ask him to do something time and time again. Why can't he do it because he WANTS me to feel better. Because HE is the one who screwed up and BROKE me. I feel like he just doesn't give a damn about me and my hurt. You know?

Rebreather posted 6/21/2013 11:04 AM

Well, that forum is stupid. (Sisoon, can I get an agreement on this one? ;-) )

You shouldn't have to ask him again and again. I guess by you saying you have stuffed it all, I assumed you had not done that. Assuming = bad. Sorry.

I guess I am confused on what you have done, what you have asked for.

Have you told him this shit can be a dealbreaker? He's obviously hiding from all of this. He needs IC, too.

Rocketqueen posted 6/21/2013 11:12 AM

Yeah, I agree with some things on there and don't agree with others :)

The thing is he knows what I need from the things I have asked for him to do as far as reading, posting , etc. I haven't brought it up in a long time because I 'm tired of nagging him and getting nothing from him. We do have a pretty good marriage otherwise (except for the giant elephant in the room, of course)

I think I just gave up and tried to accept that he is NOT going to deal with it and I will have to make that decision to either stay or go at some point.

Its been over 1 year of a struggling recovery so I feel I should be making that decision soon.

WoundedOpus posted 6/21/2013 11:23 AM

I'm honestly very very afraid that that's all this is, Damage Control. I have to tell you, if it turns out to be, or he makes a halfhearted effort, then I'm DONE.

Like you, I wish he would do all of this because he WANTED to. Wanted to make me feel loved and safe. Wanted our marriage to really work. Wanted to put me out of this misery of faking my life and help us find true happiness...but alas that is not to be. At this point, the most I can hope for is that something in all this reading and talking turns on a light bulb and he's ready to do some hard work. Spoon feeding this shit to him is sad and makes me feel pathetic some days. I sure hope he realizes I'm so committed I've effectively thrown my pride right out the window!

I hope for both of us they 'get it' soon!

WoundedOpus posted 6/21/2013 11:35 AM

OMG, the 'Elephant' is HUGE. Our life is only ever as good as I can fake it on any given day :(

Leaving is not an option for me, and won't be for quite a long time. This fact has always allowed him to 'wait me out'. Eventually I get tired of being angry and sad, and honestly I get lonely, so I relent. I fake it again and we're happy. Eventually that gets too exhausting to maintain, and we're once again back in our vicious cycle. I may not be able to leave physically, but I'm ready to bail emotionally, that's what I'm hoping he's finally hearing from me. This is our last chance.

Herkemeyer posted 6/21/2013 11:52 AM

rocketqueen, I know what you are saying about the other site. I have followed your story over there. I think one of the biggest fears of all BSs is appeasement. my thoughts are with you.

Rocketqueen posted 6/21/2013 12:09 PM

WoundedOpus, I'm not as bad as that but I do think the 180 would help me a lot for my personal recovery so I have been implementing some of those things into my life. I am used to being pretty independent and I lived without hime for a few months, so the difference is that I know I CAN live without him, should I choose to.

Have you tried the 180 at all?

Rocketqueen posted 6/21/2013 12:11 PM

Herkemeyer, Hello! I recognize your name as well. Yes, my whole story is on another forum with the same username, if anyone is interested in reading my story :)

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