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Newest Member: Sasha2017 (61785)

User Topic: When did working on R begin?
♀ 34782
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When did working on R begin for you? Was it right after DDay or was it much later?

August will be two years since the first DDay and one year since second DDay. I donít feel my R began until about October/November 2012. I believe it took WH about 6 month to start disengaging from AP and realizing he needed to start acting like he wanted to R. Unfortunately he spent another six months acting like he was working on R and I did not see enough work done for me to believe he is trying to change his behavior. When I found an email with sexual content between him and OW dated 3 months after DDay. He promised he wasnít in contact with OW since first DDay. Today I have no idea when contact stopped. Based only by his behavior I believe NC started 6 month after the first DDay. When I found the email the R process started over for me. It took another few months for WH with the help of MC to realize how damaging it was to our marriage to catch him in another lie. So for me working on R didnít begin until WH realized and recognized his behavior needed to change or our marriage was heading to divorce courts. I canít believe how long the process took.

WH says we have been in R for almost two years and I tell him from my stand point it has only been since end of last year when he started consisting acting like he wanted a better marriage. WH says because he wanted to stay married to me he was working on R. I say working on R begins when both spouses agree to work on the relationship problems and actually work on them Ė this includes working on our own FOO. When one spouse is still trying to get the other spouse to change and the spouse is reluctant then working in R and improving the relationship is not going to happen. I now realize this is why I was so angry. I knew I couldn't demand him to change. I knew he needed to want to change. It was hard to hear WH say he wanted to be married to me but was not showing enough commitment to change the damaging behavior. Spouses/SO has to want to change because they want a healthy relationship.

Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'

Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ 34181
Member # 34181
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we started working on R right away, but fWH didn't get "good at it" until maybe 4 or 5 months after D-day. Although the A had already stopped by D-day, there was still some minor contact (her reaching out to him and him being afraid to truly just cut her off) for a month or so, and I got TT for a month after the initial D-Day conversation. Reconciliation really started to happen after his inpatient psych stay, when he began to get his head on straight.

I think R comes in stages...


The grief within me has its own heartbeat. It has its own life, its own song. Part of me wants to resist the rhythms of my grief, yet as I surrender to the song, I learn to listen deep within myself-Alan Wolfelt

Posts: 500 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Upstate New York
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reconciliation really started to happen after his inpatient psych stay, when he began to get his head on straight.

This is true for us but the one in inpatient psych was me (and for the 2nd time ) I wanted to get away from him and our M. He knew I was DONE. It's still been a struggle, but there has been NC for 7 months and my WH is focused on me and our M again.

Sometimes I feel like I am not in R, not because I don't want to, but just that it is so hard and I often think of D to escape the pain.

BS/FWS (me):44 Madhatter
WS/BS:47 Serial Cheater
Together 20 years, Married 16
DD(14) DS(11)
DDay(s) Too many to count
False R 7/11/14 Same OW2
"Never seek validation from those who are unworthy."

Posts: 4114 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
♀ 12802
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was ready for R right after dday.

mr unfound was ready a month later when I left.

funny how that works.

Kids on the playground can be so cruel. ďGet off the swings youíre like 50, and stop talking about Soundgarden, we don't even know what that is."

Posts: 14938 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
♂ 38622
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I honestly think the real R just started this week for me. About a month and a 1/2 after DDay we decided to try and work through this. But I don't think that was real R. She was still in the fog a bit. I was a mess. We started MC but she was 1/2 assing it and sometimes I feel she still isn't diving into IC like she could be. But thats her process not mine. I wont take any responsibility for that anymore.

We were both sugar coating our feeling in MC. Acting like we were doing ok. Sometimes we were but we both are finally getting a bit deeper on how we feel, why we do certain things, FOO issues and communication problems in MC. Our MC warned us that where we are at is a tough spot. He has seen couples never get to where we are. He told us the next few months will be tough but as we open up we will be able to work through this together. He was really excited to see us both really open up to him and let down the walls.

I still have been working on a modified 180. Trying to break co-dependant patterns. That has been weird for me. But I thinks we are finally startig to get into R. After what happened last week, I really opened up about what s accpetable to me and showed I am not afraid to walk away. I am willing to work with her but am willing to walk. I am enjoying the 180. I think it makes her head spin sometime but it is better for me.

ME-BS 34
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We started working on our relationship right after Dday. Trying to make the present so good that the A wouldn't matter. It didn't go so well.

Real R started 9 months later after the TT stopped and the whole truth came out.

BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2859 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ 37044
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We started recovering from his A immediately following DDay, going to MC, talking a lot, going on dates, etc... but R didn't start until he started going to IC at 7-8 months out.

BW, R last 4 years of marriage out of 15... FINALLY, HAPPILY DIVORCING!

We are in R.

Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 36456
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to start immediately. He wanted to continue his A. After 6 months of separation, I told him I was done and ready to file. Only then did he pull his head out of his ass.

We progressed for the next 4 months and he moved home in February. Six weeks later, I had another DDay and he finally stopped "protecting me" from the truth. I found out about 2 more ONS. I gave him an ultimatum that night - me or his "friends". He chose me and finally started doing the hard work. That was almost a year to the day from when I found out about OW#4.

I'm happy to report that he's doing great now - and so is our marriage!

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
Topic Posts: 8

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