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Newest Member: womanoverboard (61125)

User Topic: OW wants to talk to me
♀ 38139
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW and i WERE friends for many years prior to me finding out about the A.

Her BH sent me an email and said that the OW wants to talk to me. She feels bad about everything and he said he thought it might help me.

I told him no. I said that the only reason she wants to talk to me is to ease her own guilty conscience. She doesn't want to talk to me for me...she wants to talk to me for herself.

NC has been maintained ever since DDay.

Oddly enough, my MC at one point suggested that maybe a conversation might be beneficial to help my healing process. (i was all like, ummm, hell no)

I still hold firm to NC and believe that having any type of contact with her would be detrimental to me, my mind set, the progress i have been able to make in healing myself and my marriage. I cant see how any kind of contact could be helpful to R.

My question any of you that were good friends with the AP...did you make contact after? Did it help you? Did it make it worse?

Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh....yeah, she was my "friend" too.

I went over after dday and was lied to (shocker). No remorse, just kind of a smugness that really pissed me off.

I haven't talked to her since. It will be 6 years in August. I had such a hard time with her betrayal and her not having an ounce of sorrow for the pain she caused.

I don't want to see or talk to her now. What would be the point? We will never be friends again and anything she would tell me I would have to question.

I don't believe she cares about anyone but herself so to meet or talk, even via message/email would be inviting someone back into my life that I worked really hard to remove.

She no longer takes up space in my head or my life so I am contect with that.

Honest, true answers won't be found.....not from her.

I would stay NC.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 4012 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 39181
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like NC would be your best option.

I think you're absolutely right about her motives being about her own guilt.

Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to ask yourself what do you have to gain?

All she is going to do is bring up things that will cause you more pain and to trigger.

It will not bring you closure because she is the one that contributed to so much of your pain.

She doesn't deserve your audience to cleanse her soul. Tell her to go to confession if she wants to unload and feel better.

You can't absolve her of her sins.

Keep moving.


" I am just really f'ing tired " ---ME

Posts: 3203 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 37168
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no way that I ever want to see or talk to my OW. I can't see how it would benefit me in any way, particularly in R. I think BSs should have NC with APs.

Why does she want to see you? To mock and harass you? - don't put ourself there. To say sorry? - who cares about her- its your FWH who needs to apologise. To explain? What possible explanation would justify what she did? To fill you in on more graphic details? Why would you want to know from her

If it is to help her heal, why should you? you owe her nothing.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
♀ 34695
Member # 34695
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW in our case was also a "friend" of mine. NC was established on DDay, but she sent me an email about a week (ONE week!) later saying that she hoped enough time had passed that I would hear her apology. She then went into a pages-long "apology" that talked all about how much SHE was hurting and how sorry SHE was that I got involved in HER crappy marriage (that one still blows my mind), and how SHE hoped someday I would understand HER guilt and how sorry SHE is for the pain SHE caused.

I hate capitalizing like that, but I think you get the idea - the apology was all about her, and had nothing to do with wanting to help me. I ignored that email and later heard that she thought I should just get over it already.

You're making the right choice by staying NC, IMO.

Me - 40
Him - 39
Married 16 years
2 DS
Day my world crashed down: 12/22/11
In R. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Posts: 813 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: AZ
♀ 33956
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nc is the best option. the ow never has your feelings in mind....never. and they certainly didnt while sleeping with your husband. she was not a friend then...and definitely isnt a "friend" now. it will be all about her. she may feel bad about the sitch...i mean...she got busted and betrayed a good friend...but i wouldnt trust her one bit.

i have found that the ow in a lot of cases wants to "help." i fell for that at one point....and allowed myself to listen to her...and apologize. she was full of crap. she never had my best interest...and her apologies meant nothing. i discovered a few weeks later that she sent an anonymous letter to my wh at work...he told me about it...but she was still trying to communicate with him behind my back...after she was "so sorry."

nc is always best...there is nothing good that can come out of it. and you will NOT feel any better.

BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
♀ 32214
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, the AP was a friend, not a close friend, but close enough. It just made things harder.
The only contact I ever had with her after I found out was accidental and I called her a whore which upset her. Waaaaa.

I think you are right. She just wants to soothe her concious and try to seem like a better person. Sorry. You know, there are consequenses to actions, and one of the consequenses of screwing someone else's husband is a level of pain that can not be imagined. It takes a tremendous amount of work to heal and there is nothing she could say that would make your healing any easier, only her own.

She will just have to live with what she has done and the damage that it caused. Maybe she will think twice about re-offending. Sorry
you even had to think about it. Hugs. K

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1373 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
♀ 26893
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question any of you that were good friends with the AP...did you make contact after? Did it help you? Did it make it worse?

No, no, no and super HELL no. She is dead to me. Unless I actually see her sorry ass, then I'm probably going to jail.

BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Topic Posts: 9

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