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Huge fight...6 months from Dday and I am supposed to be over it.

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heartbroken2012 posted 6/20/2013 15:05 PM

We got a fight last night...it first started as a talk, then a heated talk and then my WH yelling at me.

Basically, my WH says I should be starting to get over the affair by now, and I need to stop living in the past...he has. He says that it was JUST SEX, and he doesnt think about the OW anymore, and that he loved me during the A. He says that sometimes life throws you curveballs to test you and let you find out what type of person you are, and this was his, he said it was to test our relationship, and that he never was a cheater and it just happened, and the ONE thing he learned from all of it was that he doesnt like cheating and it is not who he wants to be, and it made him realize what he was capable of. He wants us to be able to move on and focus on US now, and not the past. He says immediately after he did think about how I must feel, and didnt need me to make him feel guilty anymore because he did it himself, but he says now he NEVER thinks of it. He said that I am making problems in our relationship now by bringing it up and taking digs at him, and that he will LEAVE ME if I continue. He says that how I am acting is effecting our family now. I told him that he never really tells me that he thinks about it must feel for me, and he said that he did, but now its been so long he doesnt feel bad anymore, and he cant be sorry and grovel forever.

He assures me it will never happen again, and that he never thinks about it, and I shouldnt think and obsess over the OW, because he is damn sure she isnt thinking about me.

I continued to tell him but I still hurt so much, and he said I shouldnt be hurting so much anymore and that I need to decide to forgive him and move on or not.

He said that he made huge sacrifices to move over to the USA for me, and while he was over visiting his dad died, and he brought up that his sister died and he doesnt think about that because living in the past is not good.

What do you think of this?

nutmegkitty posted 6/20/2013 15:12 PM

I think he's being incredibly insensitive to what you are going through.

Be over it in 6 months? No way. I don't even think at 6 months I really even comprehended the full extent of what my ex's infidelity did to me.

You have a lot to work through, and he also has a LOT of work to do on himself and to try and regain your trust, should you even want to regain it.

Threatening to leave you because you aren't over it? Uncalled for.

Sorry :(

unfound posted 6/20/2013 15:13 PM

I think he doesn't get it.

life's curve balls?

testing your relationship?

it "just" happened?

made him realize what he was capable of????

he has no clue. he's not taking responsibility for his choices AND the aftermath of those choices. he doesn't get to decide how long it will take you to heal...his track record of decisions and the reasons behind them are lacking.

outtanowhere posted 6/20/2013 15:15 PM

I think he needs a good swift kick halfway up his ass with one of those pointed toed cowboy boots! I don't know if this is one of the standard plays out of the manual or not but, everytime my WH gets an attitude with me all I have to do is suggest that it might be alright with me if he moves on without me. Leave my house & leave me alone. I will heal in my own time, not his!

LoveActually posted 6/20/2013 15:16 PM

(((hearbroken2012)))

Wow, if only it were that easy! Does your husband realize the average timeline to heal from this crap is 2 to 5 years. I'm 4+ years out and I can tell you that so far the timeline is dead on. I'm sure you would give anything to be over it by now--six months really--he needs to pull his head out of his ass. He has just brought possibly the most pain into your world that you will ever feel. His selfishness to have an affair is one thing, but to continue on with that selfishness by demanding that you hurry up and get over it is mind blowing.

Honestly, I think the two of you might benefit tremendously from some outside help through therapy. Sometimes it just takes a third party to get through to someone else--he possibly won't be as defensive. Your husband needs to hear and understand what he has done to you and what he can expect as you heal and most importantly, what he needs to GIVE YOU to heal---that's complete, unconditional love and support. Hugs to you and wishing you strength on this really really hard journey.

karmahappens posted 6/20/2013 15:18 PM

He says that sometimes life throws you curveballs to test you and let you find out what type of person you are, and this was his, he said it was to test our relationship, and that he never was a cheater and it just happened, and the ONE thing he learned from all of it was that he doesnt like cheating and it is not who he wants to be, and it made him realize what he was capable of.

No, he IS a cheater and the way he is treating you is insensitive and mean.

He isn't ready to R, he has a lot of work to do and some soul searching too.

I would be taking care of me right now, he obviously wants you to sweep this under the rug so he can move on.

Don't let him disregard your pain and feelings. This is a huge trauma and it takes a lot of time, patience and healing.

(((hugs)))

Take care of you

Jennifer99 posted 6/20/2013 15:19 PM

kick him in the nuts and tell him there's his curve ball.

when he's still moaning 5 mins later tell him he should be over it already.

NikkiD posted 6/20/2013 15:19 PM

LOL...."NEVER"...yeah, he does think about her or there is no need to yell, or use the term "NEVER."

My WH did the same thing to me a few days ago.....

Insenstive mudda-suckas...

Angel177 posted 6/20/2013 15:20 PM

2 to 5 years. Tell him that is the minimum time it takes to process this. You will never get over it. Not totally, unfortunately that isn't possible (I wish it was possible!!) tell him that's the way it is and that this is all his fault. If he didn't want to deal with the consequences of cheating then he shouldn't have cheated...simple as that. He brought this on himself.

I'm 9 months from DDay...I'm no where close to over it...like I said I expect I never will get over it. I am still quite devastated by this on almost a daily basis so I would say being over it after 6 months is pretty impossible. Hopefully your husband was just having a bad day because if he keeps that attitude it will be very damaging to your reconciliation.

Brokenpetal posted 6/20/2013 15:22 PM

Wow, me and wh just had a similar fight. I'm not quite a year our from the last dday (a went underground for a year and a half, that I know of). His words are "you'll never get over it so why try,"

I think I'm gonna start my own post on this, there's more going on with me.

I'm sorry heart, don't let him rush you. Hugs for your pain, I know it all too well....

7yrsflushed posted 6/20/2013 15:25 PM

What do you think of this?

I think your WH doesn't get it and wants to rugsweep all of this away never to be spoken of again and hopes you will do the same. I can tell you from experience that doesn't work. If he hasn't done the work on himself then no amount of promises he makes will keep him from straying again at some point in teh future. Ignoring the issues doesn't fix them.

I think you should go see a L, hand him D papers, and tell him you in fact did follow his advice and got over it so you can move on with your own healing.

Just my 2 cents because if at 6 months out he is already pulling this crap then you have a very long road ahead of you that many of us have been down before. You have to choose your own path but you can't change an unremorseful WS. They have to change themselves and from you post he doesn't even seem to know where to start. He is already trying to manipulate you into lettting him do things his way again by threatening to leave. Call his bluff and file, if he wants to go let him go.

((((hearbroken2012))))

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:27 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

Tripletrouble posted 6/20/2013 15:28 PM

I'm less than 2 months out from d day and wh has taken the same attitude. At 2 months I'm supposed to put it behind us and be healed. They really don't get it.

stunnedin12 posted 6/20/2013 15:57 PM

kick him in the nuts and tell him there's his curve ball.
when he's still moaning 5 mins later tell him he should be over it already.

This!!

kansas1968 posted 6/20/2013 16:16 PM

Well, he is not unusual in that a cheater HATES to be reminded of an affair. They just want to move along and not think about what a shit they are capable of being.
They just do not get the level of pain that a betrayal causes. If he is threatening you with leaving if you "don't get over it", I would call his bluff.
Go see an attorney and let him know you did. Tell him that divorce is the last thing that you want, but that until you can trust him again, and are able to think about his betrayal without vomiting and wanting to die, then maybe that is the best way to go.

Don't know if you are in counseling,but you both need to be. Insist on that for sure, whether he likes it or not.
Then start a 180. Hardest thing in the world to do when you love someone, but you will never get past this if it is not dealt with properly. So, so, sorry. I know how bad it hurts. Hugs, K

Phoenix519 posted 6/20/2013 16:17 PM

heartbroken..I could have written your post word for word six months out. My FWH said the identical things yours has said, including... How much longer are we going to have to go through this? It's over and done and I just want to move on with my life.

What I learned and want to share with you is this...

HE (your WH)is still putting his selfish feelings before yours. He has regret but not remorse. He regrets all he's done because of how it's affecting HIM now, not remorse for the pain your going through. HE'S STILL SELFISH. Tell him that or have him read my post.

I told my husband.. You're an idiot. If you were a smart man you would realize that the depth and severity of my suffering as a CLEAR indication for the love and devotion I feel for you. If I didn't care I would be over it and done with you by now. But I'm here, facing every day knowing seeing you is a reminder of the deliberate choice you made to hurt me. It's not just about you, I took vows and we became one. You did this to US, and until I'm healed you're not healed.

Don't worry about his timeline. I am four years out from Dday and I know this will sound discouraging but it has taken me a very long time to heal from this and you can't even begin until he quits trying to push you into recovery. You will know, your body will know. He needs to just shut up and do nothing but research what real remorse is and apologize as many times as it takes. My husband STILL apologizes, four years out.

The thing they don't get is that I'm sure there are times you look in a mirror and are shocked not to see bruises, cuts and burns...because it feels the same as if we've been beaten within an inch of our lives and set on fire then left for dead by the side of the road.

His betrayal has changed you forever and it's something you will NEVER get over. You will learn to cope, if he does his work like my husband eventually did, then the love will come back and you can and will be happy.

But that will never happen until he gives up his need to control the situation because your pain makes him feel "guilty". Fuck that. He needs to grow a pair and step up and you can tell him Phoenix said so.

Be the man Mr. Heartbroken. Be the man that heals your lovely wife instead of tearing her down even more.

PS...My husband would blow up an leave the house and once stayed at work overnight in an attempt to "scare" me into getting over it. I handed him a box of hefty bags and said..if you ever leave this house mad over this situation again, pack all your shit in these and take them with you and don't come back. I wasn't joking either. Once after that he sat in his car in the driveway but he began to stick it out and talk to me and he could see how much more that helped instead of running away scared. That helped him to earn his respect back on tiny bit at at time. It's a long process, there's just no way around it. You gotta go through.

Take care of yourself sweetie. Post here, we are all here for you.

[This message edited by Phoenix519 at 4:23 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

crazyblindsided posted 6/20/2013 16:33 PM

He said that I am making problems in our relationship now by bringing it up and taking digs at him, and that he will LEAVE ME if I continue.

The last time my WH said that I should be over it, that it was pushing him away and he might leave me...

My answer, "Go on ahead if that is how you feel, no one is keeping you here."

Now WH will say, "I guess this is where we are at?"

Yep sure is. We heal on our own time, in our own way and if they cannot be there for us after having damaged us, well my view is they can take a hike!

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:34 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

m334455 posted 6/20/2013 16:42 PM

Why do you keep letting this dude yell at you? What a douche. He's a major loser. You're supposed to be over it? He yells at you? Jackass.

m334455 posted 6/20/2013 16:42 PM

Oh, that's HIM as the jackass. Not you sweetie.

nofool4u posted 6/20/2013 16:51 PM

I continued to tell him but I still hurt so much, and he said I shouldnt be hurting so much anymore and that I need to decide to forgive him and move on or not.

You need to tell him 6 months aint s**t and you'll be over it on YOUR time, not his.

He doesn't get to do this to you and expect to not feel the effects in a short amount of time.

1Faith posted 6/20/2013 16:56 PM

He is projecting and trying to minimize what he did. This is about his ego and the fact he does not want to be reminded that he was an asshole, lying, cheating SOB.

I am assuming he has not been in IC to figure out WHY he chose to cheat? Doesn't sound like he's big on self reflection or ownership of the hurt he's inflicted upon you.

He is not remorseful. He's regretful - very different.

Remorse is doing everything and anything to make you feel safe and secure again. It is understanding their is no timeline to healing. It's talking, understanding, reassuring over and over again.

You can't not get over this - you get through it but how depends on his love and support and it takes a hell of a lot longer than 6 months.

Print out articles from the healing library for him to read. Until he understands and embraces his role in your healing you will be stuck.

I am sorry he's behaving this way.

Look up the 180 and take some power back. If he threatens to leave again tell him " if that's what you choose to do" - do not let him threaten you with this.

You deserve better.

(((Hugs)))

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