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What I have learned at...

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jjsr posted 6/20/2013 15:22 PM

almost 2 years out from dday.
I want to post it so that maybe someone new to this hell, if they are wanting to R and their FWS is doing the work, will have a little hope.

1. Shame: I felt it and I know the newcomers do to. What I have learned is it is not my shame but FWH shame to live with. Even with losing a long term friend, who turned her back on me during this, I have nothing to be ashamed about. This shit happens in all walks of life, and it lies at the feet of the people who broke their vow.

2nd. If you want to R, you HAVE to accept that this is now a part of your marital history. This is a hard thing and I think it comes before the forgiveness can come.

3rd. You will look at your FWS differently and that's not necessarily a BAD thing. I see him now much more clearly, as the flawed person he is. I have had to weigh the entire course of our relationship against what he has done.

We are almost 2 yrs out and still in MC, which I think is a good thing, but we are working on it. I hope this gives some people who want to R and they and their FWS have a little hope and take what you can from what I have learned.

Pudding posted 6/20/2013 15:41 PM

Thank you for this. Almost one year out from when I learned the full truth and began to address things properly, this was jus what I needed to hear.

I am just getting to the stage of understanding his flaws, learning to accept them and how to handle them positively, so that we can both come through this together.

This was what I needs today

rachelc posted 6/20/2013 15:43 PM

If you want to R, you HAVE to accept that this is now a part of your marital history. This is a hard thing

how did you get to this point?

jjsr posted 6/20/2013 16:24 PM

Its taken me this long. When I finally accepted it was when the MC said to me that I could rage and be angry all I wanted to be but no matter how mad I got, it doesn't change the fact that this happened and if we are Ring then I have to accept it.
Trust me when I tell you this is not easy and oh how I wish it wasn't a fact of life in my marriage and in my life, it is. I try to always remember to weigh the entirety of our marriage to what has happened.

Wonderingwhy11 posted 6/20/2013 19:00 PM

I am probably where you are at. If you want to R and be happy you have to accept the reality. It is easier when WS is trying even harder than we are.

Your 3rd point is critical. It helps when WS also admits they are flawed.

It is possible to R. It takes truth, commitment and hard work.

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