"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Unagie posted 6/20/2013 16:08 PM

So my FB has been cancelled since September, well deactivated since every link I find says it cannot be permanently deleted. I have not looked or logged on since then until today. I went on looked for what I was looking for and immediately shut it down again. I also immediately told SO about it and the circumstances behind it...not that it matters to him. I don't feel like I broke anything because the reason I did this was to verify a death in the family. My siblings' mother has been very ill and we were expecting a phone call any day. A week or so ago my dad had a falling out with my brother and since then none of my half siblings have called or spoken to him or me and my brother. I got a phone call from my mom about her hearing from an aunt who heard from my cousin...some long convoluted grapevine message that my sister had posted something about a death. I logged on to her account and verified that her mother had passed on Monday. We would never have known. They did not call and tell any of us and frankly at this point I told my mom I am washing my hands of it. I told her if they want to shut us out that is on them, I will not fight for it or beg them to accept me. If they have an issue with dad then that is dad's issue and I can't be involved in it. I want to call my sister and offer her condolences but wonder if I should knowing the animosity there, even not knowing the reason for it.

So in short I feel bad for activating my FB even if it was to verify a death in the family and I feel like I need to firm up my boundaries with said family. Thoughts?

northernarea posted 6/20/2013 17:41 PM

I had problems with Facebook as well during my two affairs. You may have been well served to tell him about it beforehand and even have him with you while you did it, not after the fact. Im sure he would be suspicious of what else you were up to while on the site. What did we do before Facebook? We all seem to forget about the telephone!!

PrincessPeach06 posted 6/20/2013 17:49 PM

I hope it's ok to post here :). You can delete your account forever, it just takes two weeks of not signing in after you tell them you want it gone. Both of us deleted ours and got a joint one, you just have to google "delete Facebook for good" to find the link.

Aubrie posted 6/20/2013 18:08 PM

We all seem to forget about the telephone!!

Not always an option when you have a toxic, insane family that doesn't communicate with you.

Im sure he would be suspicious of what else you were up to while on the site.

She stated "Not that it matters to him". If he cared, he should have spoken up. If he did care and didn't speak up, that's on him. He can communicate like a big boy.

Unagie, I get the whole crazy non-communicative family thing. My husband wouldn't know half the things he knows about his family if it wasn't for FB. Weird. They'll be friends with him or keep their pages public but they can't pick up a phone or write an email or letter.

My husband cares for his family. He uses FB to keep an eye on them. I have seen him continually send texts and emails to his family. Birthdays, Get Wells, Congratulations, and Condolences. It's a one sided conversation. He loves them, he lets them know he's there. They choose to ignore it. His choice to reach out even when he knows it's one sided, their choice to ignore he care and concern.

I know FB is highly controversial. I had one once upon a time. Oodles of friends and family. Finally about 3 years ago, I deactivated. Only recently have I opened a new FB that I use for select friends. All the friends and family I had before are not aware of the new one. It's a part of my life that I chose not to share with the world.

Does it mean my boundaries have "dropped"? Guess it depends on your own personal view.

Everything can be used for good or evil Unagie. FB can be a very good tool if used properly, just as it can be abused and bring destruction and heartache. You can apply that to a lot of areas in life. It's not just FB. It's the person and their motive behind it.

I want to call my sister and offer her condolences but wonder if I should knowing the animosity there, even not knowing the reason for it.

Or you can simply drop a card in the mail with a heartfelt note. Cuts the awkward of a conversation out but shows her you still care.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 6:09 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

Unagie posted 6/20/2013 18:40 PM

Thanks for the advice Aubrie, a note sounds perfect. Just to clarify closing my facebook was my choice as no A behavior was conducted there but OM was on FB and so i cut everything. SO didnt and still does not care if i am active on it or not but i still keep open transparency no matter what. Thank you for the link on how to delete it. I'll go on and save my pics and delete it. Also contact by phone with the amount of venom being thrown around is not wise.

thank you for all the advice.