So me and wh had the worst fight yet today. It's always the same old crap hashed out over and over.
As you can imagine, my emotions are all over the place and this roller coaster has been the ride from hell. I go back and forth from "I can't do this any more" to "maybe there hope, I love him, we can get through this."
My issue right now is that I'm experiencing pms like I'm a teenager. It started when my dd started hers. I had a hysterectomy 4 years ago, had tumors, cysts, and endometriosis. My hormones were awful for two years prior--did several hormone therapies, and an ablation before the surg. I still have my ovaries, and I can't do hormone therapy anymore because there's a strong family history or breast cancer. After the hysterectomy I felt like a new person, no pms, no cramps, mentally I felt more stable than I had in years. Well, then my dd hit puberty. She had a rough time at first (every 2-3 weeks) but since she's regulated I have had pms. I get no warning, no cramps etc, just this overwhelming emotional ride. I cry at everything. I overreact. I get angry easy. I recognise it, but it feels so real in the moment.
So I can't take hormones, and I can't take AD meds (severe side effects to all that I've tried.... I take a bp med for anxiety). And I realize this may be temporary. Or it may be because I'm just emotionally drained from life crap and have nothing left. The same time frame as dday, my mother had br ca, my mom in law had br ca, I lost a friend to br ca, my aunt and grandma then had br ca, and my grandfather died from lung ca. My son moved to another country, I lost my job because I relapsed during this time (I am a recovering addict). Now I have a dd entering high school, my self esteem is very low, both from the A issues and the relapse, and the emotional roller coaster doesn't help.
So, back to the fight. I had done the 180 for over 2 weeks. I had the mindset to leave eventually, but of course secretly hoping he would come around and miss me. I spun it in my head that it was for me, I was making myself stronger. I am very good with words, I can out-psychobabble the best, even to myself. Then one Sunday I left the house and went to the beach, to meet a guy. Stupid, I know. I didn't tell wh where I was going and I lied to dd about where I was going. When I got there I felt stupid. It felt wrong. I hung out with said guy and when things started to heat up I split. Wh thinks I did this to get back at him (ra) but really I wanted to see what all the hoopla was about, the rainbows and unicorns, what was the attraction. There was no attraction. It felt wrong, I was sick to my stomach. I wanted to see where wh was coming from, but instead it left me more confused.
(I don't know if this makes me a mad hatter, there wasnt any emotion and there wasnt any sex, but the intention was there in the beginning. I would like to say I had an episode of conscience, but it was more like "this isn't my husband therefore it's gross").
I came home early Monday morning, and wh spent an hour yelling and screaming at me, calling me names and saying disgusting things about me. I tried to ignore him. He made threats and said he was throwing me out. I still ignored.
Later in the day he texted, very upset and sad, said things like why would I hurt him like that and that it made him "wake up." That he could glimpse how I felt and would do anything to fix us. This is more than he'd said prior, in 2 1/2 almost 3 years. When he got home we went to a park and talked. I had expressed concern about his anger so we went to a park. I answered his questions and he answered more questions than he had ever, and for the first time since the A, he seemed more objective, didnt seem in a fog.
Ok, so that week went by pretty good, he agreed to do reading on anger and affairs and to check out this site. I had sent him some links. The week went okay. Then yesterday, I'm feeling emotional, I pick up dd from a hs event, he's mad that I'm sitting in the truck listening to a song with dd when he needs to go to the dr. The song took 2 minutes, I thought he overreacted, and I got upset and proceeded to ignore him like I do when I don't want to confront something. And I'm emotional right now, like crying over commercials emotional. Later I see he's looking at half naked women on his ipad, and I think, there's no time to read but time to look at chics that I can't compare to? My self esteem is bad already....
This morning he texts me "how are you" I say "ok," he says "just ok?"
Then I warn him, I'm pmsing, and I don't know if it's just me, but there's things upsetting me." He says --wait for it-- "what did I do now?" I HATE THAT SENTENCE! I've told him I hate it. It makes me defensive. It turns it back on him, instead of saying "how can I help" he makes it about him! So we fight all day and finally he says he can't take it anymore, we can split up. He can't take it anymore? Seriously? He can't take the roller coaster? I've "taken" it this long and now HE'S done? Ugh.
There's more to the story, I have addiction issues and he blames the affair on that. On my lack of attention. My counter point is that OW is also an addict, so he jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire.... But I also struggled with him for years with trying to get more help, he got angry when I went to meetings, said I should be "cured" etc and refused to go to al anon. And the times I was fully in recovery and doing well, he can't remember those times. Clean for 3 years, 2 years, etc between relapses, he can't remember. Yes, I own my addiction. I own my "absence" from the marriage, I have played a huge part in hurting us. I have been willing to work through the A.... But he wants me to be over it. Says things like "you'll never get over it so why even try" and "I can't do anything right so why should I try." It's very frustrating. I encourage him to talk to me about the hurt he feels from my using, he doesn't. Says "I just have to deal with it, I have to keep quiet, but I keep getting punished."
So, my question, I guess, is what do I do now? What do I do to fix me? I know I can't fix him. Am I being too emotional and handling things badly? Am I not owning enough of my own shit? I don't want to separate, but if I have to to save us both, I will. I would rather he move on and be happy, and me too, then stay in a bad marriage. But, I just can't see myself being happy without him. Maybe I could fake it, but im too codependent, I can't see myself detaching from him, I've tried. I see an unhappy future full of regrets. Once upon a time our marriage was good, and full of hope, and I miss that security. I don't know how to get it back. I don't know if it's even possible.
I hope someone can make sense out of this mess, I can't. my emotions are all over the place. Sorry in advance for the typos.....
If there's 2x4, I'll take 'em..... Hell 4x8's even....
Oh.... Together since 9th grade, married at age 18, married almost 26 years, 3 kids. A happened 3 years ago, dday1 was Summer/fall 2010, I moved into spare room. Said it ended jan 2011, went underground. Had several ddays, last one August 2012, sent nc email. We have been trying to R ever since, did MC and IC, don't have insurance at this time.