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Newest Member: Alone73 (46062)

User Topic: Cheating on me; why do I want him back??
Abby
♀ 5526
Member # 5526
Helpless  Posted: 4:12 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am divorced after 28 years of marriage (2006). I met someone (2012) and we had what I thought was a wonderful relationship for almost a year. Turns out he was 'dating' and being intimate with another woman. He said he still wanted me in his life and for a while I settled for that. He's been verbally abusive, unkind in general and I know I deserve better than this.

I continue to feel deep love and affection for him. Perhaps I am romanticizing things and not looking at all the ugliness. I am so torn up by this. We've only been in contact by email or phone for 2 months. We made plans to see each other this upcoming Monday to celebrate his belated birthday. Then I emailed him asking if he was still dating/intimate with someone and he said, Yes, I am. So I've drafted the below email to him (I've 'ended' this relationship 3 times already):

I continue to feel deep affection and love for you, so I think it's best not to see you right now. I am aware that you don't feel the same towards me and there's no future for us. I wish things had turned out differently.

I need more emotional and physical distance to get over this - it still hurts me. I fooled myself into believing I could handle spending time together but realize it's not a wise thing to do. This is a difficult decision for me because I do miss and care for you so much. Please forgive me.

I hope you understand. Maybe for now, we can keep in touch through email or an occasional phone call?

Any suggestions? Wisdom? I am 57 and feel like I'll be alone the rest of my life...


Posts: 582 | Registered: Oct 2004
Abby
♀ 5526
Member # 5526
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please help me! SOS

Posts: 582 | Registered: Oct 2004
ajsmom
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey, you have to end this way stronger.

He is cheating on you and my Spidey Senses tell me he's not with just one other woman. In fact, the word "Playa" comes to mind.

There's no way to sugar coat this so here goes: Why be his second choice or Option B or C or D? He is using you!

Put on those big girl panties and chop him off at the knees.

Close this down. Completely. Tell him not to contact you again.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21119 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While that email may be how you feel, it leaves you vulnerable to more manipulation and attempts on his part to suck you back in since it's "too nice" and full of how much you care about him.

Why not be a little more to the point. "I would prefer a relationship that is exclusive. Since you do not feel the same, I no longer wish to see you. Please respect my wishes and do not contact me. Best of luck to you. Sincerely Abby."

And then stick to your guns. You are not too old to find exclusive love with a good man. But this guy isn't it and you won't find that good man until you kick this one to the curb and mean it.

You deserve more than to be one of 2 or more women and the way you achieve that is to not date men who put you in that position.
((((Abby)))


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3208 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
osxgirl
♀ 8795
Member # 8795
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it can be tough, but....

From your words: cheating, verbally abusive, unkind, deserve better....


Yes, you do deserve better. I know in dealing with very much the same issues in my first marriage, what I came to realize was that I was far more lonely in that marriage than I was alone once he walked out. I was much better off.

I know it can be difficult - but the e-mail you are sending is just an invitation for him to amp up the "good stuff" in the relationship for a short time to draw you back in.

Honestly, you need to go NC - no contact at all. At most, a brief message to him telling him that you no longer wish ANY contact from him... and then ignore EVERYTHING from him after that. Change your numbers & block him on e-mail if you need to.

As far as the "being alone the rest of your life".... isn't that better than being mistreated and abused (verbal and emotional is still abuse) in a relationship? I know it was for me.

The best thing you can do is be comfortable not being in a relationship. Take up hobbies, travel, find groups of people with similar interests to do things with. You'd be amazed what that will do for you.

I'm sure others will pop in here with more advice... but the bottom line is, don't accept this kind of treatment. And there is no easy way to "wean off" a relationship like this. Continued contact means your feelings will continue. Go cold turkey.. NC. It will be hard at first, but much, much better in the long run.


Posts: 2419 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
Abby
♀ 5526
Member # 5526
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you AJ and cayc.

This is hard for me to do but I am tired of hurting.


Posts: 582 | Registered: Oct 2004
fadedrainbow
♀ 9280
Member # 9280
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abby, I do believe NC is the best thing for you because as you said yourself, you know you deserve better. He has been verbally abusive, unkind, and cheating. Do you really want to spend time with a person like that? I am also in my late 50's and had a long marriage. It can be lonely, I cannot deny it, but I would much rather be alone than with an abusive, unkind cheater. He has shown you who he is. FR


me: FBW
D-Day May 2005
divorced December 2009


Posts: 140 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: UK
clralb
♀ 17185
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have come too far and endured too much to settle for this person. Why are you settling for scraps?

You are leaving the door open. Slam it shut and lock it. You KNOW you deserve so much better. There is someone out there for you. If you do not find that someone, you have to make peace with this. This is your one and only life. Live it.


"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear."
Buddha

Posts: 682 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
Abby
♀ 5526
Member # 5526
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FR & clralb,

I know you are both right. I wish my heart would catch up with my intellect.

Anyone want to draft an appropriae email for me?


Posts: 582 | Registered: Oct 2004
Crescita
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think cayc nailed it. I would use her email, it's simple, and to the point. If you get too lengthy, emotional, or over explain, you are just leaving an opening for future torment.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3578 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Abby
♀ 5526
Member # 5526
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right; I will go with that one.

Thanks cayc and everyone.

It just sucks that we seemed so compatible and had such fun in the beginning.

Want to know what's even worse? He was separated and told me he had the divorce in the works. Just found out he has never even filed for a divorce. He IS a loser with a capital L. I don't even know why I am putting myself through this.


Posts: 582 | Registered: Oct 2004
roughroadahead
♀ 36060
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cayc's email nailed it. To the point, no emotion, nothing that requires a response. NC all the way after that.

It looks like you've been a member for a long time. What advice would you give if you saw your post in the JFO forum?


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 739 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
painpaingoaway
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why not be a little more to the point. "I would prefer a relationship that is exclusive. Since you do not feel the same, I no longer wish to see you. Please respect my wishes and do not contact me. Best of luck to you. Sincerely Abby."
this is perfect. Go with it.

Abby, I am so sorry you are hurting.

He is a major asshole. Fuck him, (and not in the 'good' way, lol).

Just found out he has never even filed for a divorce
whoa! OMG, when did you find this out? Just now?


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 34 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Abby
♀ 5526
Member # 5526
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right; it is perfect.

whoa! OMG, when did you find this out? Just now?

Yes, I just found out last night. I feel like such a fool.


Posts: 582 | Registered: Oct 2004
Abby
♀ 5526
Member # 5526
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

roughroad, I would tell anyone here to high-tail it out and never look back.

Posts: 582 | Registered: Oct 2004
painpaingoaway
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry Abby. I feel like shit today too,


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 34 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
painpaingoaway
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rat him out to his wife.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 34 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Abby
♀ 5526
Member # 5526
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

painpaingoaway - *hug*
His wife already knows - at least about me; not sure on the new women though.


Posts: 582 | Registered: Oct 2004
Abby
♀ 5526
Member # 5526
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've written the new email but am having a hard time hitting the send button! ugh.

Posts: 582 | Registered: Oct 2004
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abby send it.. then go visit the NPD page in I Can Relate.. your guy is a Narcissist. He pulled you into his web of deceit by being nice.. then became abusive. He is using the N playbook.

Hugs, and hit the send button.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5746 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

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