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Cheating on me; why do I want him back??

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Abby posted 6/20/2013 16:12 PM

I am divorced after 28 years of marriage (2006). I met someone (2012) and we had what I thought was a wonderful relationship for almost a year. Turns out he was 'dating' and being intimate with another woman. He said he still wanted me in his life and for a while I settled for that. He's been verbally abusive, unkind in general and I know I deserve better than this.

I continue to feel deep love and affection for him. Perhaps I am romanticizing things and not looking at all the ugliness. I am so torn up by this. We've only been in contact by email or phone for 2 months. We made plans to see each other this upcoming Monday to celebrate his belated birthday. Then I emailed him asking if he was still dating/intimate with someone and he said, Yes, I am. So I've drafted the below email to him (I've 'ended' this relationship 3 times already):

I continue to feel deep affection and love for you, so I think it's best not to see you right now. I am aware that you don't feel the same towards me and there's no future for us. I wish things had turned out differently.

I need more emotional and physical distance to get over this - it still hurts me. I fooled myself into believing I could handle spending time together but realize it's not a wise thing to do. This is a difficult decision for me because I do miss and care for you so much. Please forgive me.

I hope you understand. Maybe for now, we can keep in touch through email or an occasional phone call?

Any suggestions? Wisdom? I am 57 and feel like I'll be alone the rest of my life...

Abby posted 6/20/2013 16:42 PM

Please help me! SOS

ajsmom posted 6/20/2013 16:49 PM

Honey, you have to end this way stronger.

He is cheating on you and my Spidey Senses tell me he's not with just one other woman. In fact, the word "Playa" comes to mind.

There's no way to sugar coat this so here goes: Why be his second choice or Option B or C or D? He is using you!

Put on those big girl panties and chop him off at the knees.

Close this down. Completely. Tell him not to contact you again.


cayc posted 6/20/2013 16:53 PM

While that email may be how you feel, it leaves you vulnerable to more manipulation and attempts on his part to suck you back in since it's "too nice" and full of how much you care about him.

Why not be a little more to the point. "I would prefer a relationship that is exclusive. Since you do not feel the same, I no longer wish to see you. Please respect my wishes and do not contact me. Best of luck to you. Sincerely Abby."

And then stick to your guns. You are not too old to find exclusive love with a good man. But this guy isn't it and you won't find that good man until you kick this one to the curb and mean it.

You deserve more than to be one of 2 or more women and the way you achieve that is to not date men who put you in that position.

osxgirl posted 6/20/2013 16:59 PM

I know it can be tough, but....

From your words: cheating, verbally abusive, unkind, deserve better....

Yes, you do deserve better. I know in dealing with very much the same issues in my first marriage, what I came to realize was that I was far more lonely in that marriage than I was alone once he walked out. I was much better off.

I know it can be difficult - but the e-mail you are sending is just an invitation for him to amp up the "good stuff" in the relationship for a short time to draw you back in.

Honestly, you need to go NC - no contact at all. At most, a brief message to him telling him that you no longer wish ANY contact from him... and then ignore EVERYTHING from him after that. Change your numbers & block him on e-mail if you need to.

As far as the "being alone the rest of your life".... isn't that better than being mistreated and abused (verbal and emotional is still abuse) in a relationship? I know it was for me.

The best thing you can do is be comfortable not being in a relationship. Take up hobbies, travel, find groups of people with similar interests to do things with. You'd be amazed what that will do for you.

I'm sure others will pop in here with more advice... but the bottom line is, don't accept this kind of treatment. And there is no easy way to "wean off" a relationship like this. Continued contact means your feelings will continue. Go cold turkey.. NC. It will be hard at first, but much, much better in the long run.

Abby posted 6/20/2013 16:59 PM

Thank you AJ and cayc.

This is hard for me to do but I am tired of hurting.

fadedrainbow posted 6/20/2013 17:02 PM

Abby, I do believe NC is the best thing for you because as you said yourself, you know you deserve better. He has been verbally abusive, unkind, and cheating. Do you really want to spend time with a person like that? I am also in my late 50's and had a long marriage. It can be lonely, I cannot deny it, but I would much rather be alone than with an abusive, unkind cheater. He has shown you who he is. FR

clralb posted 6/20/2013 17:09 PM

You have come too far and endured too much to settle for this person. Why are you settling for scraps?

You are leaving the door open. Slam it shut and lock it. You KNOW you deserve so much better. There is someone out there for you. If you do not find that someone, you have to make peace with this. This is your one and only life. Live it.

Abby posted 6/20/2013 17:27 PM

FR & clralb,

I know you are both right. I wish my heart would catch up with my intellect.

Anyone want to draft an appropriae email for me?

Crescita posted 6/20/2013 17:32 PM

I think cayc nailed it. I would use her email, it's simple, and to the point. If you get too lengthy, emotional, or over explain, you are just leaving an opening for future torment.

Abby posted 6/20/2013 17:56 PM

You are right; I will go with that one.

Thanks cayc and everyone.

It just sucks that we seemed so compatible and had such fun in the beginning.

Want to know what's even worse? He was separated and told me he had the divorce in the works. Just found out he has never even filed for a divorce. He IS a loser with a capital L. I don't even know why I am putting myself through this.

roughroadahead posted 6/20/2013 18:06 PM

Cayc's email nailed it. To the point, no emotion, nothing that requires a response. NC all the way after that.

It looks like you've been a member for a long time. What advice would you give if you saw your post in the JFO forum?

painpaingoaway posted 6/20/2013 18:08 PM

Why not be a little more to the point. "I would prefer a relationship that is exclusive. Since you do not feel the same, I no longer wish to see you. Please respect my wishes and do not contact me. Best of luck to you. Sincerely Abby."
this is perfect. Go with it.

Abby, I am so sorry you are hurting.

He is a major asshole. Fuck him, (and not in the 'good' way, lol).

Just found out he has never even filed for a divorce
whoa! OMG, when did you find this out? Just now?

Abby posted 6/20/2013 18:11 PM

You are right; it is perfect.

whoa! OMG, when did you find this out? Just now?

Yes, I just found out last night. I feel like such a fool.

Abby posted 6/20/2013 18:12 PM

roughroad, I would tell anyone here to high-tail it out and never look back.

painpaingoaway posted 6/20/2013 18:14 PM

I'm so sorry Abby. I feel like shit today too,

painpaingoaway posted 6/20/2013 18:15 PM

Rat him out to his wife.

Abby posted 6/20/2013 19:38 PM

painpaingoaway - *hug*
His wife already knows - at least about me; not sure on the new women though.

Abby posted 6/20/2013 20:22 PM

I've written the new email but am having a hard time hitting the send button! ugh.

Kajem posted 6/20/2013 21:21 PM

Abby send it.. then go visit the NPD page in I Can Relate.. your guy is a Narcissist. He pulled you into his web of deceit by being nice.. then became abusive. He is using the N playbook.

Hugs, and hit the send button.


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