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JustHisFool posted 6/20/2013 19:55 PM

Here's my story. I don't know what to do and my heart is aching really bad. My live in boyfriend of 3 years and I are barely hanging on. The coldness, the oh so hurtful words it all had my heart crashing down. I can eat, can't sleep. And worst of all, I can't talk to him. It started about 2 months ago. I started having suspicions that something may be going on. Attention wasn't there, he was just.....different. I'll admit I'm very jealous but I do have a history with this man. He's had emotional affairs (thanks to the wonderful Internet) but claims that he had never cheated on me. He's a huge flirt and in my eyes it's a lack of respect. I've been very forgiving to this man and he knows that I love him immensely. Well over the past couple of months it's been nonstop arguing. We're both tired but I think we've both hit the end of the road. I really don't want things to be over with but each time I try to ask him a question or try to make up, he blows up at me. He's locked me out of his phone, computers, and anything else digital. I'm a snooper I admit but you wouldn't have to snoop if you trust an that was thrown away long ago. Even after he was caught sharing pictures with someone he's met over the Internet, he promised not to do it again and did. He yells at me to mind my own business and that he's not cheating on me. The old me would have just packed up and left. But this me....stupid to say...loves him so much and wants a future with him. On days were not arguing, he shows me love and talks marriage. He's even taken me ring shopping, but then if I have a suspicion or call him to ask him what he's up to, he gets upset. I can't ask any questions and I feel dead inside. Where did my best friend go? He hides and stays on his computer for hours. He only talks "small" talk with me and if I try to bring "us" up, he blows up. I don't want to lose him but my heart says I already have. He tells me if I want to leave then to just go. And those words hurt so bad. He claims that the only way well work out is if I mind his business and stop fighting. He won't even answer my text messages and he never use to be this way. I don't know what to do and I know if I ignore him (thinking hell come around) he just goes about his day as if I don't exist. I'm so tired and hurt and don't know what to do. We're in the process if looking for a new apartment and I sent him the application to complete. I mentioned to him that if my name isn't in the application, then I'll know I have to go find another place to live. Well my name was on the application but I still feel that he did it just to shut me up. I'm trying to build up the strength to go but am so afraid to walk away from the man I love. Everyone tells me that he won't learn until I leave him. Then maybe he'll make a change. But I don't know where to go, where to stay and I'm lost. He has two teenage kids that i love so much but he just doesn't care. Someone please help me to gain strength and put things into perspective because I'm falling apart and don't know what to do. But I'm tired of being treated like crap. Tired of him hiding things (phone calls included) and sometimes he sneaks out of work early and I don't k ow about it. What do I do? Help please!!'

hard_yards posted 6/20/2013 20:33 PM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but the best place to be under the circumstances.

My take on it.... your friends are right, you need to get yourself out of there.

Honey, I know you love him, and are scared to leave, but honestly, what are you getting out of this one sided relationship??

And whatever it is, is it enough to subject yourself to anger, secrecy and controlling behaviour? because that's what you're getting back for your love.

If this was how a friend treated you, wouldn't you be looking for a new friend? Why tolerate this from him, who should love and respect you, when you wouldnt't take it from anyone else?

His actions are those of someone whose hiding something, who's not living an authentic life, those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Maybe he'll wake up, maybe this is who he is? What happened in his other relationships?

There are worse things than being alone, believe me.

Protect yourself honey, take care of your heart, you're the only one who can. I wish I could be more positive, but really, be kind to yourself. Hugs, lots of hugs.

Marley76 posted 6/20/2013 21:45 PM

(((((Hugs))))) I am so sorry you are going through this and I know how much it hurts. I am going through a similiar situation. My live in bf (ex now) and I had it all ...so I thought. Together for 3 years sharing a home and raising my 2 daughters and his teenage son who I love very much. About a year ago all the same things you are talking about-on the computer or on his phone. Acting like me wanting to talk or spend time with him was a crime and that I needed to go hang out with my friends. Never wanting to do anything with me but sex. Working late and the going to the beach every other weekend to "unwind". Well I just found out a couple of weeks ago he has been unwinding with 2 different women and having affairs/relationships with the two. (I had to phone snoop to find this out then confront him) What has been revealed to me is a narcissit and a liar. I am moving out in a week and he has shown little remorse for his betrayal. My point is follow your intuition. If you don't feel like the relationship is good for you or that he is being dishonest don't ignore that. I believe it will only cause more heartbreak for you in the end when you could be using your precious life to feel good about yourself and feel honored in a relationship. Hang in there sweetie <3

TheRealDeal posted 6/21/2013 06:17 AM

I'm so sorry to hear of yet another person experiencing the same pain.

18 years into our relationship my SO also began acting odd and I quickly learned why. I was devastated, couldn't eat, sleep, concentrate, couldn't stop crying.

since that time my emotions are still on a rollercoaster and I've learned from SI that response is normal. I roll with it and if I want to cry, I cry. I also get very angry and accept that feeling as well. I begin IC next week but SI has been a real saving grace too.

I've read many, many posts on SI.Amazing people on this forum and their advice comes from first-hand experience. I've printed out info from SI and other sources. I carry those papers around with me, sometimes even room-to-room in my house, because it helps me when I need reassurance.

some that really helped me are below. the word "she" can be substitued as necessary.

your first job is to pay attention to your own behavior and choices; if being jerked around by someone feels like love to you then you should figure out why that is.

you need to realize that the persons behavior is his own personal challenge. You cannot decode the depths of his problems. You certainly can't solve them for him. So don't make his problems your problem.

continuing to hope for the best from someone who consistently gives you the worst is a setup for more pain and disillusionment.

he hasn't loved or cared for me physically or emotionally for a very, very long time in order to do what he did. If he did truly love or care for me, there would be respect and integrity to be honest. Instead, he chose to be deceptive, lie and cheat.

We have the power to say "enough" and insist to ourselves that we deserve more, and that this man is simply not acceptable or good enough. And it stops with us at the moment we decide it does.

It's not easy choices to make. My head and heart are in conflict, but I recognize I must be the one to help myself. He certainly isn't looking out for me.

((((hugs)))) keep reading the posts and take care of yourself.

JustHisFool posted 6/21/2013 07:24 AM

I thank you all so much for your kind words. It really helps to know that some people out here in this cruel world care. I'm usually the very talkative type of person, always trying to fix the relationship when things go bad. Always trying to sweep things under the carpet just to try and be normal. Usually that makes him bounce back to normal but my thoughts and concerns remain constant in my head. Until I reach a point that I bring it up and ask and then the cycle begins all over again. There are times that I try to calmly speak with him and yet he'll still get angry, yell at me, tell me he's so tired of this or look me in my face and say he's not doing this arguing crap and walk away from me. He's left me in tears many of times and has shown no remorse or empathy.

Well yesterday I played the silence game. I barely spoke and every room in the house that he was in, I was not. I stayed away. I can't take the hurtful words when I keep trying to make us better. So I kept my mouth shut. The basketball game was on (Go Miami) and I was in my room quietly watching another program. We had a house full of people watching the game, I was again quietly minding my business. Around midnight he came to my bed and asked if he could sleep in it or if I wanted to sleep alone. I told him he could sleep in it and its amazon how you can make a queen size bed feel like a California king size. I woke at 4am. Thoughts of us being broken tormented me. I got up and went to my living room to watch television and feel asleep. He got up angry (probably because he was late for work and also because I wasn't in the bed-he's never liked my not being in the bed with him). Well he walked out and all he could say was "see you later". I could see it and feel it that he was angry. I said nothing. I'm sure hell ignore me the entire day. It burns me when he treats me that way and its funny that he was "out of uniform" to go to work. He even warned me yesterday that hell be working late today. Do I panic? Do I continue to stay quiet? Do I reach out to him? Do I do nothing and continue to feel so lost inside?

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/21/2013 08:03 AM

JustHisFool, is this the way you want to live for the rest of your life? Walking on eggshells, feeling hurt, feeling diminished, devauled and disrespected, being devastated over and over and over and feeling completely insecure and sick to your stomach all the time?

Love shouldn't be this hard.

And honestly? When a man tells you, "if you want to leave..just go.." and acts mad and disgusted when you try to talk about your future with him, this is a man who is no longer in love with you and doesn't CARE whether you're in his life anymore.

My number one rule is life is to NEVER go where I'm not wanted, and I would have left this man a long time ago. I understand why you're holding on - because YOU love him - but I honestly think you're beating a dead horse and he's checked out of the relationship.

I hope you're able to find the courage to move on to a healthier life for yourself.

Twitchy posted 6/21/2013 08:33 AM

I'm going to appologize up front, because I think this is going to be hard to here.

He's using you. He has you on a hook so you don't want to leave and he knows it. Now he's only interested in what you can do for him or what he can get out of you.

Regardless of whether he's cheating, he's direspecting you terribly. And if he has no respect for you and you still stay with him, the disrespect could easily turn into abuse.

Secrets and a "mind your own business" attitude is a clear sign he doesn't think of you as a real partner.

kansas1968 posted 6/21/2013 17:15 PM

A person you love should be a asset to you, not a liability. When you have a really strong attaction to someone it is very difficult to break out of that, but after listening to your pain, that is really your only option. You have got to leave.

He is abusing you and making you miserable and will continue to do so. You are allowing yourself to be a doormat because of fear.

Change is always terrifying and "the life that we know, even if it is horrible, is better that the one that we don't know."
That is just being human. You need to get away to clear your head. If you could stay with a supportive friend for a couple of weeks, or a family member.

Or get a counselor that will reenforce your self-esteem and let you see that you have the power to control your own destiny, even if you don't feel it.

Take one little step. Get your finances in order. Just look at a few appartments that you think you cold afford and imagine yourself there alone, with no one being mean to you, being able to relax and do what you want, when you want. Just imagine it. It is hard but you deserve someone who adds to your life, not subtracts.

All the people on this website will cheer you every step of the way. You might check out the "separation/divorce" forum or the "new beginnings" forum. Those folks have lived through the ending of a relationship and can give you much hope for the future. Hugs. K

JustHisFool posted 6/21/2013 20:49 PM

Bottom line. I know I have to go. Today has been such a lonely day. I've been ignored and treated as if I simply don't exist. His life moved on tody just great, played video game with his daughter, played basketball with his son, talked for a couple hours with the neighbor next door. And me.....who am I? Here's my question. How do I express to him how he's made me feel the last couple days? How do I buckle down and stay quiet while I gather up my finances. I know all I need is a month. But what do I do until then? Do I tell him I'm leaving or do I sit back and be as invisible as I've been. He's tried small talk here and there but I can get that watching television on my own. I can tell when he makes stupid attempts. He's never been affectionate. He's always showed his love in a strange way but when we argue, he ignores me for a day but its never been like this. He claimed during our argument that cheating is not an option. But the arguing is what has turned him away. I want to believ him but I know I shouldn't. Do I say shut for a month then leave or wait to see what his behavior is like? Is any of this worth it I ask myself.

Marley76 posted 6/21/2013 21:19 PM

If u can't get his attention and get him to seriously focus on your relationship you may have to make the decision with your heart and mind that he is probably not the one for you. God I know it sucks! We want something so badly to be true and real. But if you feel invisible and he is not making an effort you have to fight for you! You have to remember how incredible you are WITHOUT him hurting your feelings all the time. These are things I am just realizing too so please know I have so much empathy for the situation.
If it means staying quiet for the next month and gathering your money and making arrangements then do it. Tell him when you know forsure you are leaving. Tell him this isn't working out for you anymore. He will be shocked that you are choosing YOU over him!! Do it girl!! You deserve better!!!

Skan posted 6/22/2013 16:12 PM

I would say it's a waste of your time to try to talk to him. And in any case, actions speak far louder than words.

180 him, get your finances in order including separating out any co-mingled finances, find a place to stay. It need not be your final place simply renting a room for a few months and storing your stuff will work, but find a place that you can move out to ASAP. Once you have that and you're about a week out from moving, tell him and then you'll have to tell the teens. Assure them that you love them, that the problems are not because of them, but that you simply cannot live with their father. Then move and start to rebuild a new, better life.

Please come back often for support. (((hugs)))

TheRealDeal posted 6/22/2013 17:36 PM

I agree with the others. You need to do what is best for yourself and only yourself. He's a POS.

Your "investement" is only few years with him. Imagine if you stay and nothing about him changes....and all signs point that he will not change.

I'm so sorry but I do know exactly how you feel.

My story is the same and I'm living it right along with you. I had been with my xWBF for 18 years and then bam, out of the blue a few months ago I discover a very secret life he built for himself.

Since last DDay#3 and the evidence right there in the open (they were having dinner together when I showed up) he will not speak to me, not once, not ever.

He has texted me and said "i'm sorry but I'm not ready to talk". WTF?

After that I learned - with much pain and heartache - that I must detach and move on.
There is no other choice - I can't stay in something that in his mind was already over.

When he sent me that same text again today, it just set me back to step 1 all over.

18 fuckin' years and all of a sudden he can't talk to me? Not one verbal word,no explantation, no excuse. NOTHING. He just vanished from my life.

it's mind-fuckery games by some twisted sociopath who can do that and not feel a thing, or say a thing, after 18 years.

So while you are 3 years into it don't try and gloss over his real message to you. That message can be seen in his actions and his lack of feeling. The relatioship is over in his mind and he didn't have the fuckin' common decency to inform you like a normal adult would do. Instead he's playing with your mind. Don't let him do that to you any longer.

Read up on the 180 (healing library under BS Q&A), it will be a saving grace to begin detachment. And if you can find IC that would be beneficial, too.

Painful, horrible, spineless, deceptive and full of lies, betrayal, and mind-fuckery games.

It's just horrible for you but to him it's just "over". Takes your breath away that a human-being can be that heartless to one another.

But please know there are others in the exact same boat as yours. I'm one of them and I'm not going down with the ship, I will be a survivor and you will be too!

Sending many, many, many hugs to you. You watch out for yourself, and do only what is right for you.

[This message edited by TheRealDeal at 7:33 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

JustHisFool posted 6/22/2013 18:24 PM

It really brings years to my eyes to read all of the supportive responses you have all shared with me. I thank you from my heart for taking the time to reach out to me during my painful time.

While I spent most of my evenin alone, while everyone was out enjoying themselves, I made dinner and left it on the stove. I went to bed. Sad story to call it a night at 9pm on a Friday night. Well today I took my time getting out of bed. Took my day to just enjoy me. When he woke up, he noticed I had some bags in the closet packed with my clothes. He didn't say anything. Well this afternoon I decided to war h a movie and polish my nails....me time. He came in and asked if I was planning on staying in the bedroom the whole day. I just looked at him. He then asked if I was packing. I told him I didn't have time to go into an argument with him. I let him know that in my mind, this relationship is done. Here it is day 3 And NOW you want to talk. When I told him what I was feeling he said he didn't want me to go and walked away. Then he comes back and kisses me and walk away. I'm starting to feel anger inside. I'm just staying quiet until DD.

summerain posted 6/22/2013 20:18 PM

You are so strong!