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Im giving my H a second chance but no one else is

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DoneWithLove posted 6/20/2013 21:36 PM

Everyone I talk to thinks he will cheat again. I dont feel its anyones place but mine to tell me im wrong, especially since Im the one who has to live with my decision regardless of the outcome. I dont feel like anyone is trying to put their selves in my position. No one is stopping to think what kind of support they would want or need if they were in my situation. Its very irritating for me to always try to put myself into another persons shoes and being as kind as I can while giving advice on how to handle their situation how they want to. I guess it takes a truly selfless person to handle things like I, just wish I had a person who could be outside themselves long enough to support me without judging me and my decision to stay and try to R with my H. Anyone else having issues finding a good support system or need support or just a judgement free ear let me know.

Jospehine85 posted 6/20/2013 22:42 PM

I told very few people about my WH's affair and all of their responses were "kick him out".

I took it to mean that they were saying I was worth more than that. I took it as a compliment.

Are these people being kept updated on your R and repeatedly telling you he will cheat again? Or are you just telling them he had an A and their snap response is that?

DoneWithLove posted 6/20/2013 23:01 PM

A bit of both, my mom and little sister are playing nice but I can tell they dont want me to be with him. Hes been giving me all the money and they want me to blow it all but not let him try to be the H he wants to be. I feel that hes genuinely remorseful, being transparent and trying his ass off to help me heal. My older sister would rather just do away with him and get on with life. It also seems like some people on here have been diflecting there anger onto me because their WSs didnt take responsibility and quit cheating as soon as my H did. They all want me to be so defensive but in order to be in true R, I have to give him a chance to prove himself and be remorseful. I need to be open to him for his efforts to be effective in the end. Maybe I should have everyone read the article about what WSs and BSs need to do to have a successful R...?

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 11:03 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

karmahappens posted 6/20/2013 23:17 PM

Ohhhh Done...

First, unfortunately we cannot control how others react to the news that our spouses had an affair....period.

The loved ones hurt for us and want us to be ok, so feelings can run hot.

I would take them aside and explain you want to R but you need their support and hope they can give it. are on a site which allows people to attempt to heal after an affair, it's hard's something many of us have spent YEARS doing. Working on ourselves, our issues and our spouses working on theirs (we hope)

When you put something out there you will get a wide scope of opinions. Some people will be touchy or hurting and it can sway how they write...we all communicate from our own personal experiences.

Nobody here is upset because your husband gets it sooner than me.What they are seeing is a young woman hoping to R and jumping all in before it's been earned.

How does everyone know this? Because many of us have made the same mistake, and it's ok. Many of us come here thinking our situation is different, our spouses are not like the rest.....then we settle in and find that many of our stories sound alike....

What you are seeing is people who have been there and done that. You will see, in time, that the folks here are pretty smart and insightful. I bet on most days they can take a situation and pull it apart pretty darn close to the truth.

Nobody wants to hurt you. They want to spare you....because we have walked these halls that you are just starting to travel down.

It sucks, and we have all been there.

I think (if I remember correctly) you are about 3 months out. I guarantee you at 3 months your husband hasn't healed. He hasn't dug deep enough to know his whys and certainly not been able to fix his doesn't happen that fast.

He may know he is sorry and he might be saying the right things right now....but he needs time to regain trust and you need time to heal, really heal.

Take it slow, R will happen when the heavy lifting is done.


Knowing posted 6/21/2013 02:01 AM

What stood out for me in your post is what you said about your mother and sister. When you say you "can tell they don't want me to be with him", is that assumption on your part? Have you had those conversations?

These are important conversations that might need to take place especially considering you are bemoaning their lack of support. Sometimes we have to ask for the type of support we need and not assume people will automatically know how to support us. Stop wishing it would happen. Support systems are built.

None of us on our own have all the answers. It's important to find support and insight from other people, especially IRL. Other's opinions are nice but experience is invaluable. If I were you I'd see what your mother and sister really have to say about your situation. They have a unique outside perspective right now. My mother judged me for giving my fWH a second chance until I asked for unconditional love and support from her. I trust myself and she trusts that now.

sri624 posted 6/21/2013 02:15 AM

hi dwl....i think having a talk with your family members and explaining that this is a decision you made and it is really between the 2 of you is a good move. you can tell them that you love them, and appreciate their support, especially during such a difficult time....but that the issues in your m can only be dealt with by the 2 of you. i had to do this to a few of my family members as well.

about the site....where you are in your attempt at r has pretty much been experienced by most people here....maybe at different times....but we have all been there. i remember thinking too at 2 months post dday that my husband was different...that he was REALLY trying to help me heal..and work on the marriage...i thought my wh was "different." turns out, he was just as much of a jerk as everyone else's cheating husband. it was tough to see that...but most waywards pretty much follow the same rule book....funny how most of them RARELY stray away from the typical wayward behavior.

you know...i dont think anyone on this site is against you...or upset that your husband has stopped cheating...and really changed his words. i think the people want that to be true. but see...the problem is that a lot of us have been exactly where you are...and know from experience...and sometimes very painful experience that a wayward cant change in a few months. it just doesnt happen like that. and that is why the posters are talking to you like that.

take care.

seekingtomorrow posted 6/21/2013 04:05 AM

I haven't told anyone except the pastor and his wife what happened as I knew it would be harder for other people to move on than it would be for me, and I knew people would judge him either way and if I chose 'R' would judge me for that decision, but I am struggling with feeling the weight of it, I have a very close loving friendship group and now I feel im holding something from them and actually it would be lovely if I could share the trouble we are facing,, but I know how that would actually go down and I can't see that it would help either of us.

Please1983 posted 6/21/2013 05:07 AM

It's hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes. You don't know how you would be acting if this hadn't happened to you but one of your sisters instead. Chances are you would be doing your best to help and support her but getting it wrong sometimes too. Tell them what you need from them, remember this will be hurting them too, it's hard to watch someone you love in pain.
I remember my twin sister really wanting me to kick my WS's ass out and my mum was desperate for me to keep our family together and I ended up feeling pressured from all directions and pissed of with everyone. The only person I really had to blame for that was myself, I shouldn't have let other people's opinions about my life get to me. Listen to people, take support but remember you are the only one that has to live your life.

[This message edited by Please1983 at 5:08 AM, June 21st (Friday)]

DoneWithLove posted 6/21/2013 09:15 AM

So what about the article on things spouses should do to make R work? Should I disregard that he is doing/ done everything it says he should be doing. And what about everything we've covered in MC? How hes being 100% transparent, taking everything I dish out and still begs me to stay and work things out with him? I guess im having a hard time figuring out how to make R work but not let him see any success in his efforts to prove himself worthy of my love. I guess its nieve confusion on my part...?

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 6/21/2013 09:29 AM

Hey DWL, a few things- one, my FWH got it, right away. Much like your transparency, NC, the whole 9 right away. But that didn't mean he got me back 100% right away. Our lives still needed a pause, a breather. It's great that he's doing everything right now, but sometimes they get sick of doing it all "right" after 6 months or a year, sometimes they don't. Mine has kept up the good work and thus we've started moving on. about 14 months after D-day we got pregnant (I read your other post and commented there as well...), we've bought a house, got a dog, the American Dream. But that didn't all just happen.

Now, as for family and/or friends. This is a big reason we didn't tell anyone. But since that ship has sailed I think you need to have a moment and sit down with your sister and mother and let them know what support you need. You may also want to let them know the steps your WH is taking to make things right. Our families want to protect us. And people who have never been through this have no idea what it's like. So rather than be defensive, teach them.

Knowing posted 6/21/2013 09:39 AM

I don't think anyone is saying that he isn't doing everything in his power to help you heal. Only you know that. Getting your family to take your word for it may be what you need to do, or create another support circle for yourself if they can't find it in themselves to truly support you through this. I have to say this though, rarely do the people who truly love us become unable to support us even when it's unfamiliar territory. But it does happen, and don't take it personally if it does.

If you need documented proof to show your mother and sister, then sure, print it out and ask them to read it. Anything that can help you get the unconditional love and support you need from them is worth a try. Do either of them have experience with infidelity in their own lives?

meplusfour posted 6/21/2013 12:07 PM

DWL, I had several close friends who I confided who really struggled with accepting my decision to wait for one year before making any serious decisions. They were quite vocal about how I was not "punishing" WH enough and that I should ask him to leave. Eventually, I had to tell them the following:

"I know that you mean well in giving me advice/telling what I should do or not do but you are only making my situation worse. Please respect me enough to know that I am working through my issues with WH and the possibility of R. Your condemnation/criticism/attitude only adds additional unnecessary pressure on me. I need from you, your support, without judgement and criticism. You have always been a good listener and friend/sister/mother/cousin in the past and I need you to continue to do so. I need to be safe expressing my feelings/emotions/events to someone who will not use it against me. Are you able to do this for me?"

For the most part, after this talk, several friends realized that their actions and words were making the situation worse and would only drive me further away from them. They were able to change their approach. For the one friend who was unable to change her behaviour, I no longer tell her the details of what is going on between WH and I. She remains a good friend but for now, I have chosen to keep her on the outside.

I also want to specifically address making R work. With respect to what your WH is doing, your DDay looks fairly close to mine. My WH also appears to be committed to R and is doing everything that he can to prove to me that our M is worth saving. On days when I am struggling, WH asks whether I love him. My response is that if I love him/believe that I am capable of loving him fully again, I would not be here trying to R. For now, I am committed to trying to R. But for me, a large of love is trust, intimacy and feeling emotionally safe. Be encouraging to your WH, let him know that he is slowing rebuilding your trust and intimacy. Acknowledge your WH's efforts, thank him for what he is doing but also recognize that it will take time and hard work to rebuild a new normal.

I understand the desire to move forward and put the A in the past, it would be so easy to do so and focus on new things, like a child. But this would deprive you and WH of the chance to improve your M and make a better and stronger future for your family.

[This message edited by meplusfour at 12:09 PM, June 21st (Friday)]

DoneWithLove posted 6/21/2013 23:16 PM

Thank you all. I apreciate all of the support and wish you all the best in your Rs. I understand that some people don't handle giving advice or support like I do and it bothers me when I feel like people are talking at me instead of talking with me and listening.

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