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Leaving the home I loved... and my IC ditched me :(

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whyreally posted 6/20/2013 22:00 PM

eight years.... eight years in the home of my dreams... my WH and I had the "perfect" life.... BEAUTIFUL Home... BEAUTIFUL KIDS... 2 new cars... the dog.... and now everything continues to come crashing down...
I am now a single mommy to five kiddos... I moved over an hour away from work and my home so I would be close to family who help care for my kids while I am at work.. First things first the kids are so so happy... but I AM NOT!!!!
I went from my dream home to a nice home but no where near what we had... yes I could afford it on my income (always did) but money was tight tight super tight... so I lucked out and got a deal on a home that is not my perfect home but my... use all the extra money to pay off debt and save for all the kiddos... I know the smart thing to do.... but now that it is time to list and sell my house I am SOOO sad!!! Yes I am SOO happy to get rid of the mortgage... but my home :( I remind myself that he brought OW there... that he punched holes in walls there.... any other advice for letting go of the sadness?!?!??

this has been a hard month for me... I always go to the IC once every 2 months... for awhile this winter I went weekly for a month... He always tells me I am such a strong person... I am fine.. I am wonderful.. blah blah... but he really helped me keep everything in focus.. WH and I had went there for MC and IC so he knew us both well and would not let me remain in "the fog" so I called to make my appt and they called me back and said the IC said I was fine and did not need counseling... really.. I am the SOLE provider and SOLE support to five kids. My family helps while I am at work which leaves me ALL ALONE with five kids... no one to tell me good job.. no one to tell me I am ok... only lousy WH who tells me what an aweful person I am all the time..

sorry I am feeling sorry for myself.. this alone thing is really hard..

jackie89 posted 6/20/2013 22:12 PM

It's all how from what perspective do you look at the situation.

A beautiful HOUSE, does not make a HOME. And right now, at this point in your life, that House, is no longer your HOME.

Think of it as a fresh start, a new beginning, with no bad memories.

I Just went through this at the end of April. Oh it was hard.. but necessary!
OW was my "friend" and I no longer wanted to feel the energy in that house - the memories of her entering my house, having dinner at my table.. Nope, not worth it!

In my opinion, our mental well being, our being able to "move-on" like everyone wants us to do, will not truly ever heal, living in the house where anything related to the affair happened.

This alone this is hard, but it will get better. What would be the alternative? Feeling alone in false marriage or being alone (maybe temporarily) but at peace?

Hang in there, we'll get through this!

purplejacket4 posted 6/21/2013 00:13 AM

Boy do you need a new iC. And maybe one who doesn't tell you how strong you are but gives constructive feedback on how to deal with this mess.

Nature_Girl posted 6/21/2013 02:32 AM

Boy do you need a new iC. And maybe one who doesn't tell you how strong you are but gives constructive feedback on how to deal with this mess.

Really! He did you a favor, actually Now you are free to find someone who can help you.

As for letting the home go, I think it's critical that you grieve the loss just as you would any other significant death/loss. Selling your home represents another shovel of dirt into the grave that holds all of your dreams and plans and hopes for your life. That grave holds a big part of your life. Yes, you are fashioning a new life, but at the cost of the life you used to have. That life is gone and you're burying it slowly. Selling the home is a big step. Feel the sorrow. Acknowledge your loss. Be thankful for the time you were there. Ponder if there's anything in that old life, your former home, which could be represented in your new life, your new home, in a way that is healthy for you and will bring value to your new life.

This is grief. Don't rush it. You'll be better when you're better.

Heavy Sigh posted 6/21/2013 02:49 AM

In the meantime, give up watching HGTV and reading ladies magazines with perfect homes and gardens in them.

Those programs are designed to make us dissatisfied with our own lives so that we will keep buying new stuff.

Remind yourself to keep your eye on the prize - kids and dog. :) and judge yourself and evaluate yourself on that, and not on the 'materialist girl scale' of who has the prettiest clothes, house and stuff.

So far, I'd say your priorities have been perfect - thinking of kids' futures and emotional well-being first - so pat yourself on the back.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 2:50 AM, June 21st (Friday)]

m334455 posted 6/21/2013 03:36 AM

I know it's really hard to believe right now but you're going to be so much happier. I am so grateful I was smart enough to leave the house we lived in where OW had been and all those awful fights were.

It was gorgeous too. Custom built to our specs. It was listed internationally with Christie's.

The "new" house is practically a shack. But closer to my family, great public school, very kid-friendly community...

Oh -- you're doing a GREAT job with those kids. Just making sure 5 kids bathe is a monumental task! Cut yourself some slack. It's taking me like 3 weeks to paint my daughter's tiny bedroom! You'll get there.

Heavy Sigh posted 6/21/2013 04:05 AM

M3 makes an excellent point.

As time goes on, and you detach, the crazymaking that he causes you will begin to look more ridiculous, he will look more childish (a 6th child - a troubled one at that).

Your desire for him will diminish as you begin to see him for the child that he is - a selfish brat who throws tantrums when required to do such things as support himself financially, be a decent father who doesn't put his own kids' lives in danger by neglect and inattention, and one who refuses to act grown-up instead of picking up girls and using you as his 'mom' and needing you to support him because he doesn't have the gumption to hold a job or support himself. You will begin to see him as his emotional age, which doesn't seem to have advanced much beyond age 13.

It's very difficult for a female to have sexual desire for a man she begins to see as just another kid - one of those cartoon wah! wah! wah! babies - instead of as a real man.

You'll wonder what you ever saw in him.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 4:09 AM, June 21st (Friday)]

Bobbi_sue posted 6/21/2013 04:41 AM

I imagine that I am the only one who feels your IC is not necessarily wrong here.

Boy do you need a new iC. And maybe one who doesn't tell you how strong you are but gives constructive feedback on how to deal with this mess.

My IC told me that she believed I would be fine after about 4 months of IC, and told me she did not see a need for me to keep coming. I was surprised because I actually believe most of them love the easy money and want you to keep coming for much longer. I think many of us can, in fact get through sadness and hard times without extensive counseling.

It is partly up to you, but you say your kids are happy. That is a huge step in the right direction. Try to look forward and not back. I really admire that your counselor would not let YOU remain in the fog. It actually sounds like this is a wise person to me. If my counselor had tried to "advise me" on what to do with my life, I would have stopped going.

I empathize when there is nobody telling you are you doing a good job. I happen to have a very supportive H now, and our kids are grown, but my XH was not supportive. He was a serial cheater and I ended up a divorced mother with three kids I felt that way sometimes too, nobody to give me an occasional pat on the back, but I don't think going to a counselor would have helped me feel better about it.

huRtZ413 posted 6/21/2013 05:33 AM

sorry your hurting , but many WS would kill to be in your position to be able to hold it all down on their own so be proud of that! look forward into a new life without the worry does he love me does he not???
i know its easier said than done , i mean i have such a hard time living in the present .

makes me mad posted 6/21/2013 06:30 AM

In my first marriage in my early twenties, I had to leave my lovely detached house in a very nice neighbourhood to a two bedroomed flat in a scuzzy street (with a six month old baby), he wouldn't even let me take her cot, nothing, I was sleeping on a bare floor, no furnishings, not even curtains, smelly, horrible place

I got that flat looking beautiful, my health visitor used to ask to bring single mum's to see it, so they could have some hope,

I loved that place, everyone loved it, had a brilliant time there, people used to say, "but you had a detached house in a nice neighbourhood, don't you miss it?"

Not on your life, I didn't,my flat, (apartment) it was mine, no one to tell me what to do, how to do it, and incidentally, he wanted me to get back with him and come and live with me, in my little oasis, did I let him?
Big fat noooooo,
You will make your own new paradise you know, hugs to you

[This message edited by makes me mad at 6:31 AM, June 21st (Friday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 6/21/2013 09:49 AM

(((whyreally))) It isn't fair, none of it is. I am so sorry you are feeling sad.

You are wise though and making the right choices. I am so happy your dear children are happy, that is so important.

Your former IC is a real douche, though. Sheesh! How the fuck does he know that something else hasn't come up? And, even if nothing has changed, isn't it his job to listen to his clients and be there when WE feel we need them? What a fucking dumbass, can you tell I am a little pissed off for you?

Yes, find a new IC who really listens to you and helps you.

Getting to Happy posted 6/21/2013 10:16 AM

You are doing great! Transitions and change can be very stressful but from the sound of things you seem to be rolling right along!

First things first the kids are so so happy...

Your children's well being is tantamount. This is a huge accomplishment, another sign that you are doing the right thing.

Very impressive whyreally!!

I don't mean to minimize this

but I AM NOT!!!!

As time passes you will make you home into a douche free oasis.

Maybe have the kids help you to plant a victory garden so that they become invested in the yardwork.

Either way we are here to listen to the good and the bad. We are listening and we care.

Ladyogilvy posted 6/21/2013 10:39 AM

Well, I'm proud of you. You have made great choices and I do have faith you will continue doing so. That doesn't mean you couldn't use a counselor to be there for you to be proud of you on an ongoing basis. The last time I was in counseling it was for exactly that. I was in college and didn't have any family or anyone really supportive of my trying to make a better life for myself. My friends were good people but mostly stoned hippies not interested in becoming part of the system.

I think there are some decorating magazines that can actually be helpful with making your new house
your home without spending a lot of money. One nice thing about older, smaller houses is almost anything you do is an improvement. Dream houses aren't forgiving when it comes to creative colors and decorating techniques. Nothing wrong with visualizing how to make your new home into a new kind of dream house for yourself.

Meanwhile, make lots of good new memories with your beautiful kids.

whyreally posted 6/21/2013 22:10 PM

Thank you all for your replies... they really have helped here in the "douche free zone" (I Like that one!!!) after the kids were in bed tonight I just sat on my front porch and took the moments for myself... it was exactly like sitting on my old front porch... just a different view... we will be ok we will be ok is my mantra... As I run around after my crazy, beautiful kids... I know how blessed I am...

[This message edited by whyreally at 11:42 PM, June 24th (Monday)]

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