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musiclovingmom posted 6/20/2013 22:02 PM

We are 10 months out and coming up on some really hurtful days for me. Days where I was at home struggling with several real life issues and my H was working in a different state and having an affair-fest. I'm feeling lots of anger and finally decided to write it down directed at him instead of his women. It is too long to include here, and it isn't particularly mean, but it is to the point. For the most part, my H is doing a great job. He has owned his shit and he gets it. He is working on finding and fixing his issues. He has instituted stronger boundaries. We have good dialogue. However, when I get angry, he gets stuck in guilt and shame. He apologizes for making me feel that way, but then he gets hopeless - like there is nothing we can do to fix this if I'm angry. Part of that I'm sure is because I'm just not an angry person. He knows just how bad things must be for me to be angry for this long. I can imagine I'd feel pretty hopeless too. So, my question is, if you were me, would you give him the letter?

karmahappens posted 6/20/2013 22:44 PM

I would. Biggest mistake you can make during R is to hide your feelings. The firsts all suck. He has to understand what he dealt you.

Knowing posted 6/21/2013 02:18 AM

Oh yes, definitely give him the letter. Sometimes we want to "protect" the people we love but oftentimes we are just robbing them of an opportunity to grow. He's a big boy, he needs to get perspective on R. I hope he can see how far you've come and that will give him hope for the future. If he continues to struggling with hopelessness (and self-pity) then he should be in IC, if he isn't already.

Pudding posted 6/21/2013 06:25 AM

I recommend that to do give him the letter. Leave him to read iron his own and then set a time to discuss it, after it has sunk in. He needs time to process what you are feeling.

My FWh was surprised with the strength of my feelings when I wrote it all down and said he and no idea. It really started true discussions.

Wonderingwhy11 posted 6/21/2013 13:20 PM

I would give him the letter. As long as it is respectful and not tearing him or the AP a part I think it will be helpful in your R.

I spent hours writing a letter about how I felt about the A and our marriage. I wrote about what I wanted our marriage to be and how I felt we both contributed to the problems. I felt I could convey my thoughts better in writing than in conversation plus he could read it over and over.

I am glad I gave him the letter.

rachelc posted 6/21/2013 13:24 PM

when I get angry, he gets stuck in guilt and shame.

this has been difficult for us as well. I'm not sure there can be much healing when that's where the WS is. Two nights ago I asked my husband to please consider forgiving himself. He said he didn't know where to start.
But - those are his issues. I can't walk on eggshells anymore.

musiclovingmom posted 6/21/2013 15:45 PM

I sent my letter to his e-mail. He said he would rather have it now than wait until be got home. His initial response was exactly what I thought - along the lines of 'I don't treat you like I should, I don't want you to leave but don't blame you if you do'. But, later, I got the most wonderful, specific apology in my e-mail. I hate going through this, but since I have to, I'm glad we are going through it together.

letitout posted 6/21/2013 17:57 PM

Right after Dday I started writing Dear_________letters frequently. Some I kept to myself, some I read out loud in IC and some I gave to Dear_____. It depended on the content.

When I did give them to Dear____, it was a good thing because I am M to an emotional unavailable man and the letters opened up a dialogue for us.

I am 6 mo out and sometimes I re-read the letters and it helps me understand the progression I have been going through and see how it can get better (although I read a lot of backsliding also!).

Agape posted 6/22/2013 06:59 AM

Keep it to yourself will kill you bit by bit. I am living this fact right now....my stuffed down emotions began to surface about a month prior to one year to DDay.....anger, rage, amnesia, inability to concentrate, gaining weight, depression
On the other hand, I would have given anything for my WH to do half of what your WH did to work on the marriage. All I got is that it was my fault..I caused it
I read somewhere that the R is four steps forward, one step back, and that is OK for couples who are working on their M. For me, I have an ultimatum...which I have been told by the WH that it will never happen. His ego is as big as his love for me....he said. He choose his ego..sort of, because he is still playing the push-pull schemes...and I am struggling to divorce myself emotionally from him. All the best

DoneWithLove posted 6/22/2013 20:54 PM

Give him the letter. If hes 100% comitted to helping you heal then he will be fine. I keep a journal that I write in specifically for him to read. When im feeling down, thinking about things or even feeling optimistic, I write it down and let it out. When he gets home from work, he reads it and then we talk until I feel better, sometimes for hours. It helps especially since we only go to MC 1 day a week for 1 hour. Hope it helps.