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jimbo25319 posted 6/21/2013 00:34 AM

Ok, here we go.
Married 18yrs, been together for 21. WW turned the big 40 last July.

Prior to our son being born 11yrs ago, my WW was a flight attendant. She absolutely loved the job. After our son was born, she decided to quit to stay home.

My WW bounced around from job to job, mostly part time stuff, and never found her calling or something she enjoyed. In February she decided she wanted to go back to flying. I was a little apprehensive, but knew she loved this job and was very successful at it. So I supported her as she restarted her career. It was a little tough having her away for up to 4 days at a time, but our family adapted.

On one morning in late April, she was getting ready to fly out for 3 days. I tried to telephone her several times, but the calls went to voice mail. This was very unusual and eventually she answered just prior to the time she was to fly out. She gave me she was confused out our M speech, didn't know what she wanted now that she had her freedom, and wasn't sure she wanted to remain M'd. Wow, I was stunned. To say this came out of the blue was an understatement. We had our ups and downs, but mostly our M was good.

I knew something was amiss, so when I got home I checked her phone usage through Verizonwireless. There it was, a number I was unfamiliar with. The calls and texts started 4 days prior to that day, when she was gone on a trip. I ran a check on the number, bam came back to a male from out of state.

I telephoned her and left her a voice mail telling I knew what was up. She eventually called back and Dday 1 commenced. Eventually she admitting meeting this male on an extended layover, and they talked face to face for about 5 hours. WW stated she got his number and they began to chat and text for the next 4 days. WW described it as just "friend type" conversations, nothing more. WW admitted it was wrong and stated she was sorry, though never gave a heart felt apology.

I sent the OM a text asking that he stop conversations with my WW. He apologised and ceased all contact with her. WW got home and after about 3 days of back and forth, she decided she wanted to fix this and work on our M.

Prior to this, we both were in M counseling, but about 5 months prior she stopped going. I continued on as IC.

We started back M counseling and the next 4 weeks were great. I can honestly say we were the closest we've been in years. We spent a lot of time together, opened up and really talked and communicated to each other. I thought we were heading toward healing.

On monday June 3rd, during the evening I spoke with WW. She told me about how she and the two pilots went out to dinner, but her captain left right after dinner. WW advised she and her first officer then stayed and talked for "4 hours" afterward. My spider sense then began to tingle. I didn't say anything about it to her, but looking back I should have.

WW gets home the next day and I was at work. I work evenings so during my telephone conversation with her I could tell something was off. I got home later that evening and she and my son were asleep. I went on Verizonwires again and Bam. There is was, another strange number. Ran it, yep, it was her first officer from the last trip. Texts and calls throughout the previous day and that day. Went in the bedroom, woke her, and D day number 2 commenced. She admitted talking and texting, admitted it was wrong, but stated she wasn't going to stop. It was like the WW was reading directly from the WS handbook. Everything was my fault, she hadn't really loved my for several years, only stayed in the M because of her son, now wanted her "freedom", blah, blah, blah. I told her we could repair this, and the only thing I asked that she end contact with OM2. WW advised she was not going to do this.

Now I know the OM somewhat, but I know his W better. All of us our members at the same gym. I know that the OM and his W have been separated for sometime, and the OM's W is actually "seeing" a guy I used to work with. Actually, when I had the conversation with my WW on June the 3rd, I told my WW about her OM's W, and how she was banging the guy I used to work with.

So I sent the OM a text telling him that WW and I could not work through our issues if he continued to have contact with my WW. OM texted my back that his W and he were having their own issues and he appriciated my concern. That was it.

Needless to say, my WW and the OM continued to text and call each other. WW actually went out and got another cellphone in her name, so I can no longer monitor via the computer. She keeps the telephone on her and doesn't let it out of her site. There have been a few occasions to have access to it, but she deletes her texts. I have seen where they've telephoned each other and I did see a text from him on Saturday. WW also admitted to having "feelings" for the OM and he had "feelings" for her.

Prior to this WW and I have had several conversations in regards to where our M is headed. WW stated she considers us separated and was going to contact a L. WW stated she was "confused", and "didn't know what she wanted", and just "needed some time to figure herself out". WW asked several times that I move out, but I refused.

Wait, it gets better. This tuesday WW got home from a 3 day trip late. Prior to leaving on this trip she was lovey dovey toward me, and actually made the comment she needed to contact the OM and advise him not to contact her while she "figured out what she wanted". WW made physical and emotional signs to me that maybe she wanted to stay in the M. This gave me some hope.

When the WW got home from this latest trip, she was again cold and distant toward me.
On Wednesday, WW spent most of the day with our son. This is not unusual, as when she's home, she spends as much time as she can with him.

This morning, she calls and tells me that on Friday, she will be leaving to go on a 4 day trip. WW advised she was at the grocery store and would see me when I got home. I got home from the gym around 11am, she wasn't home, but our son was. Son told me he spoke with my WW and she told him that he (son) and I should go see the new Superman movie together, without her. Again, spider sense starts tingling. Something is amiss.

I telephoned her and she advised she was still at the grocery store. I believe this because I could hear a crowd in the background. I tell her we were going to the movies, and would be home later.

My son and I go to the movies, but my 6th sense told me something was wrong. About 30 minutes into the flick, I call WW. I asked her where she was and there was a long pause. I asked her again and she stated "out". I asked out where and she responded she was at the city park. I asked if she was with the OM and she replied she was. I then terminated this call. Later I sent her a text advising her that I will no longer tolerate this disrespect and we were done.

When I got home it's the same ol' stuff from her. Blameshifting blah, blah, blah. I also found out she met with an attorney the day before. WW is so deep in the fog, I can't even describe it. WW now advised she and the OM are just "friends" and legally she's not having an A. Coaching from her A I suspect.

I have a meeting with my attorney on this coming tuesday, but man, my head is just spinning.

WW has circled the wagons as far as her friends and family being her support mechanism. I'm the bad guy, I'm Satan incarnate, same old stuff.

All of this occurred in front of our son and it's just killing him. I'm truly at a loss.

I really wanted to save this, and was willing to work above the fray and told her this. But now, it seems I've got no choice. I told her when she went to see him, she chose him over me and our M. All for a guy she's known for 3 weeks.

Guys and gals, aware me on how to access the 180 as I need to print this out and remain true to it.

Sorry about this book, but it really helps to write this out.

Any and all advise is welcome and needed.


jimbo25319 posted 6/21/2013 00:38 AM

Oh, and I forgot to add. My WW and I are devoted Christians, and this is so out of character for her.

In the past, WW was so vocal on denouncing A's. I told her today that I don't even know who she is anymore.

Jrazz posted 6/21/2013 01:06 AM

Hey jimbo. My heart just breaks for you and your son.

So it looks like this is obviously something that she's not going to quit doing any time soon.

It's shameful that she's able to rally people to her cause after everything she's put you through. I'm glad you're contacting an attorney. You need to protect yourself. Hopefully YOUR friends and family can be of support to you.

We're here for you too.


m334455 posted 6/21/2013 03:15 AM

She needs to quit her job or quit the marriage. There will be no way to R if she stays in that job.

I would suggest seeing an attorney and getting temporary custody of your child and use of the house right away and move her stuff to a storage locker and change the locks while she's on one of her multi day trips. Oh and take 1/2 of any joint funds and get her off your credit cards and put your pay in a separate account.

I hope you're paying attention.

If you do not get official custody of your child RIGHT NOW here is what could happen: your wife could move in with OM and still be gone 3 or 4 days at a time and your child might be legally obligated to stay at her home with OM ( who we can only hope is a mere adulterer and not some more advanced predator.)

This will be better for you if you think you want R too. It's more attractive, particularly if you're rather dispassionate about it. "I care about you enough to give you your freedom but this is my home and I'm not going to leave it and you're gone too much to be mini-me's primary caregiver."

Really, as a BS her job is great for you from a custody standpoint

Betrayed67 posted 6/21/2013 03:25 AM

Hi, my heart breaks for you and your son. My WH is a Christian as well, but it didn't keep him from registering on Dating sites and talked and made "friends " with multiple women and to top it all had a ONS with a prospective single mother client who was infested with StD. The only reason he confessed was when the whore advised she might have infected him after she found out from her doctor that she had an infection. He had to fess up regarding the ONS only at the start for fear that I might have been infected as well. PTL both WH and I were clear of Stds. It took months and lots of tears and digging before some more truth came out. It's beyond heart breaking - infidelity is.

All that got me through to date (5 months since Dday ) is prayer and clinging to God. My WH and I are trying to reconcile but there isn't a day that I don't doubt if we ever make it. I know biblically, I can leave but then I also know that God wants me to forgive him and He desires that i work towards restoration and rebuilding the marriage. It takes the strength of God to survive infidelity.and it takes time.

My heart and Prayers go out to you. Take care of yourself and your son.

[This message edited by Betrayed67 at 3:28 AM, June 21st (Friday)]

kchip posted 6/21/2013 05:28 AM

Oh man. I haven't read these boards in 2-3 months and your story has me triggered.

I didn't follow the advise I got here thinking I knew my wife and the people here didn't. Boy was I wrong. About everything.

You can not nice them back. It never works. The blame shifting and the circling wagons is a bad sign. Those people are filling her head with validations.

File for divorce.

Do it now, do it fast, do NOT wait.

Either she is "shocked" back to reality or you will be fast tracked to the inevitable.

The phone thing. Omg. The 3-4 day "work trips". Man, your going to have a hard time sleeping.

Get out of there. I know its easier said than done. My story,age, circumstances are similar to yours. There is something in these 40 y/o woman's heads that snaps. Mine is a completely remorseless sociopathic NPD. I should have filed theday after dday.

Don't let your heart fool you. You will mangled - the only question is how bad.


Blackhair posted 6/21/2013 06:01 AM

Sorry to hear what you are going through, I felt the pain, so start 180 and be strong.

My H chatted online with a girl for three months, now he wants to marry her and bring her to Canada.

You are not the only one here, great support here, but after a few week, I am a lot stronger and calm down and can think straight.

Stay strong!

Jennifer99 posted 6/21/2013 09:51 AM

Hoping you can stay on track with the 180 :(

I turned 41 and my mid-life crises was that I wanted to get closer to H and fix our problems and he didn't because he was in love with someone else who wouldn't have him.

I think I'll be on these boards for as long as it takes me to screw up my courage to do 180 despite worrying about my son.

Holly-Isis posted 6/21/2013 10:47 AM

I don't know how you've managed to tell the OM "Congrats, you're now just like the POS that helped destroy your M and family."

If you're devoted Christians, I'm assuming you go to church regularly, maybe even have a small church group. Now is the time to reach out for support. Your WW can justify her behavior because it's a secret. Reality needs to set in. If she thinks there's nothing wrong with her actions, then she won't mind people knowing about it.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 10:48 AM, June 21st (Friday)]

jimbo25319 posted 6/21/2013 18:28 PM

Thanks so much guys and gals for your support. I know there's too many of us out there, but there's strength in numbers.

In all of this, she's refused to go to church, or back to our counselor, who is Christian backed. Her thinking is so warped. She still listens exclusively to contemporary christian music, but continues in her A. It's mind blowing.

Here's the kicker, her two best friends, and major parts of her support mechanism are Christians. Both have maintained "neutrality", not wanting to appear to "take sides".

I'm sorry, but God commands us to speak the truth with love. Neither will do this because it will alienate my WW and she will withdraw from them. Well, that's exactly what needs to happen. WW needs to feel the consequences of her actions. So far, that's not happening.

It's mind blowing, black is white, up is down. I'm at my wits end

SI Staff posted 6/21/2013 19:02 PM


Please refrain from generalizing, the site has a guideline against doing that.

happyman64 posted 6/21/2013 21:26 PM


Focus on you. You can only control yourself and your actions.

Make the tough decisions, show her consequences for her horrible actions.

You know what to do.

All she will continue to do is lie, cheat and hide the affair.

So expose and give her consequences.


stronger08 posted 6/22/2013 02:22 AM

Somehow I have the feeling she will go in the opposite direction again and turn back to you. The reason being is that the OM is playing her. When he wants to get laid he turns on the charm and false promises. She in turn thinks this little fantasy she is in can work and she wants out of the M. Then when she tells him that she is leaving you and she now is all his he balks. Causing her to run back to you. Well my friend welcome to Plan B land. And that's exactly what you are. You are the soft landing, old reliable, second best and good old plan B. She sits on the fence because OM is playing her like a video game. What you need to do is kick her cheating ass so far off the fence she cant climb on it again. Pack her shit up and show her the door. Call her a cab and give them the OM address. Shit, I'd even call him after that and tell him she's all his.

$20.00 says her ass will come crawling back within a couple of days. OM don't want her. She is damaged goods. Good enough to screw, but not something he wants the responsibility of. And so far when she wants back in you have let her. You need to shut the door and lock it bro. Give her a hefty dose of reality and consequence. The worst thing you can do is to allow her to keep calling the shots here. No matter how much she begs or pleads for forgiveness you must proceed forward with the D. If she honestly wants to change she must do it while away from you. R is a gift that must be earned. Its then and only then that you will see her commitment. If she does not, so be it. Your already that far ahead with the D proceedings. Bottom line is that you need to take control of the situation. Stop allowing her to play this game.

While she is gone work on yourself. Heal from this and become stronger. You just may find that life without her is better for you. And you certainly are under no obligation to keep putting up with her shit. You gave her a chance to fix things and she walked all over you. Get your ass off the floor, dust yourself off and stand up to this woman. Do not allow her to manipulate one more minute of your life. Because if you do things will never change. You can not fix her. You can not nice her back. The only thing that snaps them out of things is to fight back hard. And even that may not work. But at least you will be better. That's the whole point of all of this. You need to be number one. Not only in her life. But yours as well. If by chance you find it in your heart to allow her back in make her earn it. Shit you can always remarry if that's what you want. But she must be force fed the consequences of infidelity. Cut her off from your life. That includes financial, emotional and anything else that does not pertain to the D or the kids. She is being an emotional bully. And the only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to their shit. Good luck my friend.

jimbo25319 posted 6/22/2013 20:57 PM

Stronger, you've always been one of favorites on the site.

Your advice is always dead on.

I spent the last couple of hours with a good friend of mine who lived through this a couple of years ago. He was lucky because the BW in his case put the smack down on the OM. I'm not that lucky. The W of my WW's OM is having her own A, and has moved out of their home. Sucks. Anyway, my buddy told me exactly what you did. I need to start living for me.

For the entire length of our relationship, my life has revolved around making her happy. I'm so codependent it's sad. It's really hard to turn off that switch that's been on for 21 years. But, I know, see, and understand that I have to turn that switch off, and focus on me.

I kind of started that today. I know it's may be a violation of the 180, but I sent her a text today telling her I forgive her. For my own sanity, and because God commands it, today I forgave her. It lifted a big burden off my chest. I cannot continue by holding onto the anger and hate. I've got to let it go. She answered with that's she's always loved me and is sorry about our situation, blah, blah, blah. I didn't respond. I said what I needed to say and that was it.

So here's today's question for yall; what should I do or say if I see the OM at the gym? Now, no one is worth losing your life, liberty, or career over, and I certainly will not jepordize these for this clown. A big part of me would like to walk up and hit him over the head with a 30lb dumbell, but that's not an option. But, I would like tell him in person that I think he's a tool. Any advice ladies and gents?

MystiKay posted 6/22/2013 21:30 PM

Don't engage him. If you get in a fight, It will just bring them closer together and give them something to bond over.

"See he is horrible, he HIT OM!" and then they will hold it up to those all around them. The hardest thing is to 180 the WW and then NC the OM.

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