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Just Found Out :
Looking for a Mantra

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 hurtininHouston (original poster member #39250) posted at 1:06 PM on Friday, June 21st, 2013

I two months out from DD. I am working on things with my WW. However, every time I see her my body stiffens, I am a little colder and the thoughts start of "what they did, what he did, what she said, what she texted,........mind movies and thoughts. UGH. Looking for some inspirational quotes. Something I can memorize and go to, to help clear some of these thoughts. I had found some on facebook right after the beginning, but never wrote them down or remember them. Trying to shift my thought patterns to something better. Found a great saying, Thoughts never leave the mind of the thinker. My thoughts have no meaning to her. They are my thoughts, they eat me alive. I am punishing myself. The sad thing is I know this, and I still continue to do it. I am the one suffering with my own thoughts. I guess I am still not there with "accepting" that this has happened and is part of my marriage now. My anger is still too great! So, back to my search. Let me hear some, I know plenty of you out there should have some good ones.

Thanks

posts: 72   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2013   ·   location: Houston
id 6382208
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Nailinmyforehead ( member #38427) posted at 2:17 PM on Friday, June 21st, 2013

Hi there, 4 1/2 months out myself and just now coming to terms with this all happening. Not sure how long you have been married, but the thing that I keep repeating to myself, that has helped me is to - "Look at the whole body of work" and not to let "One shitstain totally erase many good years with a good wife". I also keep telling myself, "She is a great wife, she just got lost for a bit". Not sure if those may help you, but I feel for you. This blows and is the worst thing I have ever experienced.

"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

posts: 137   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2013   ·   location: Ohio
id 6382286
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 hurtininHouston (original poster member #39250) posted at 2:45 PM on Friday, June 21st, 2013

It's funny you posted this. I saw a posting of yours yesterday. I think you are a couple months in front of me. I have been married for 14 years. Together for 16. My wife too was/ is a good person overall. And yes this is a big shitstain. I try to say that to myself, but I keep feeling that she knew this would be the end if she did it. I always said that. But she took that chance. She still went ahead with it and did for 5 months. I guess that is one thing I am tryhing to swallow along with the rest of the shit sandwich. I actually sent you a pm yesterday.

posts: 72   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2013   ·   location: Houston
id 6382333
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Jennifer99 ( member #39551) posted at 3:32 PM on Friday, June 21st, 2013

I've been trying to think of a mantra too. I wish I could help.

Instead I've been reading a lot of Thich Nhat Hahn. Trying to get where I can honor how I'm feeling instead of fighting it. Hoping that will make it easier to let go.

It is hard for me as I am a "lay it all out there" kind of person but he doesn't want to hear it all, can't tell everyone I know, this one is all on me.

posts: 557   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2013
id 6382420
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 7:09 PM on Friday, June 21st, 2013

5 years out here.

The thing I felt was most helpful was to keep telling myself. I was smart, successful, a great mom, and an awesome person. I had no part in the decisions he made, and I could not make him do anything he did not want to do.

I know not exactly inspiring but it allowed me to build up my self esteem which was destroyed. It also allowed me to let go a bit. I knew it was out of my hands. I could support him when he made positive changes but I could not change what he had done or what he would do on his own. The serenity prayer from AA was my favorite prayer during early R as well.

(((and strength)))

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20380   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 6382760
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Nailinmyforehead ( member #38427) posted at 8:02 PM on Friday, June 21st, 2013

Hurt, like you, I always thought that an A was a deal breaker for me. I went for years telling my wife that I "would love her no matter what". Guess what? The "no matter what" has happened. Now I need to be a man of my word. As I saw someone post a bit back here, "R isn't for pussies". It takes a bigger man to swallow pride. As I told my wife, I could walk away with my pride and have absolutely nothing to show for it.

"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

posts: 137   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2013   ·   location: Ohio
id 6382841
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kansas1968 ( member #32214) posted at 11:04 PM on Friday, June 21st, 2013

I don't know if this is exactly what you are looking for, but it helped me a great deal in getting through the first year. You are just in the first steps of this horrible journey, and at two months out your emotions are likely to be all over the place, from hate, to rage, to sorrow, to loving her, hating her, wanting to stay, wanting to leave....it is HORRIBLE.

I think the hardest thing in the world to do is stay with someone and continue to love someone who has betrayed you. One guy thought he was a coward for staying, but I am here to tell you that staying and trying to fix your marriage is the bravest thing you will ever do.

But nevertheless, you keep feeling like you are a sucker, that you should leave, that your self-esteem demands that you stomp out the door.

So, on to my mantra. When I would get stressed and think I could just not do it another day, I would walk and say to myself (sometimes aloud, sometimes not)

"I can leave anytime I want to. I can leave anytime I want to. I don't have to stay. I can leave anytime I want to."

I don't know why, but that always calmed me. That telling myself, if I can't make it, I can leave. So, I would tough it out another day. It has been hell, but

just to give you hope, it does get better. No matter what happens, it does get better.

We are 2 1/2 years out from DDay and things are SO much better. Our relationship is better than it was pre-affair. Still hurts, but nothing like what you are experiencing right now. There are no words to describe that pain.

Even if your marriage ends, you will feel better. Hope some of this helps. Lord knows I tried everything in the book. K

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

posts: 1415   ·   registered: May. 20th, 2011   ·   location: Kansas
id 6383054
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1Faith ( member #38975) posted at 11:25 PM on Friday, June 21st, 2013

Mine is to remind myself that his horrible choices and the affair

WILL NOT DEFINE ME

I had no choice in the actions, decisions, bullshit of it all. I will not allow it to be attached to me.

I have to deal with what my husband chose to do but I will not take one ounce of responsibility for the affair.

I can hold up my head, look into the mirror and sleep (finally) because I did nothing wrong where the affair is concerned.

Good luck. It's a long sucky road but you can and will make it.

Sometimes my life feels like a test I didn't study for

posts: 4131   ·   registered: Apr. 12th, 2013
id 6383073
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Rattus2000 ( new member #39599) posted at 11:39 PM on Friday, June 21st, 2013

This is my R poem. Kinda pussy for a guy but it says it better than I ever could. Its not where I am now, too fresh, but where without showing any weakness, I hope to get.

If You Forget Me

I want you to know

one thing.

You know how this is:

if I look

at the crystal moon, at the red branch

of the slow autumn at my window,

if I touch

near the fire

the impalpable ash

or the wrinkled body of the log,

everything carries me to you,

as if everything that exists,

aromas, light, metals,

were little boats

that sail

toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,

if little by little you stop loving me

I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly

you forget me

do not look for me,

for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,

the wind of banners

that passes through my life,

and you decide

to leave me at the shore

of the heart where I have roots,

remember

that on that day,

at that hour,

I shall lift my arms

and my roots will set off

to seek another land.

But

if each day,

each hour,

you feel that you are destined for me

with implacable sweetness,

if each day a flower

climbs up to your lips to seek me,

ah my love, ah my own,

in me all that fire is repeated,

in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,

my love feeds on your love, beloved,

and as long as you live it will be in your arms

without leaving mine.

Married 14 years
Dated 5 years
D-day May 2013
Trying to R, keep her sober and protect my kids.
2 kiddos 11 and 8

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jun. 19th, 2013   ·   location: Southwest
id 6383083
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solus sto ( member #30989) posted at 12:17 AM on Saturday, June 22nd, 2013

I'm not much for praying, but found--and find--the message behind the Serenity Prayer to be really helpful. It reminds me to focus only on the things I can change.

BS-me, 62; X-irrelevant; we’re D & NC. "So much for the past and present. The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you." Tennessee Williams

posts: 15630   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2011   ·   location: midwest
id 6383118
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 hurtininHouston (original poster member #39250) posted at 4:29 AM on Saturday, June 22nd, 2013

Thanks to all. Loved the poem. I have felt like a pussy for staying. No question. But I know when I look at her, especially when she is asleep or not looking, of how much I do love her....our kids.......our life. Nails said I won't let her one shit stain ruin everything. I like that but it is hard. Everyday it is hard. She looks at me and I sigh, I sigh quite a bit. She knows why....my chest gets titght and it is just a little tougher to breathe. She knows what I am thinking and going through. The other night out of the blue she says, I know this is tough for you. I am sorry. It helped....for a little while. I spend a lot of time alone for my job. that is the killer.. My thoughts just wander. I thank you all. Keep them coming if anyone else has more.

H

posts: 72   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2013   ·   location: Houston
id 6383348
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Dare2Trust ( member #21183) posted at 6:03 AM on Saturday, June 22nd, 2013

hurtinginHouston,

Are you seeing an therapist/counselor for yourself?

That's one major thing I'd recommend. I think my therapy was a major important for my healing.

Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.

posts: 6216   ·   registered: Oct. 8th, 2008   ·   location: PA
id 6383404
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