Instead I've been reading a lot of Thich Nhat Hahn. Trying to get where I can honor how I'm feeling instead of fighting it. Hoping that will make it easier to let go.
It is hard for me as I am a "lay it all out there" kind of person but he doesn't want to hear it all, can't tell everyone I know, this one is all on me.
I know not exactly inspiring but it allowed me to build up my self esteem which was destroyed. It also allowed me to let go a bit. I knew it was out of my hands. I could support him when he made positive changes but I could not change what he had done or what he would do on his own. The serenity prayer from AA was my favorite prayer during early R as well.
I think the hardest thing in the world to do is stay with someone and continue to love someone who has betrayed you. One guy thought he was a coward for staying, but I am here to tell you that staying and trying to fix your marriage is the bravest thing you will ever do.
But nevertheless, you keep feeling like you are a sucker, that you should leave, that your self-esteem demands that you stomp out the door.
So, on to my mantra. When I would get stressed and think I could just not do it another day, I would walk and say to myself (sometimes aloud, sometimes not)
"I can leave anytime I want to. I can leave anytime I want to. I don't have to stay. I can leave anytime I want to."
I don't know why, but that always calmed me. That telling myself, if I can't make it, I can leave. So, I would tough it out another day. It has been hell, but
just to give you hope, it does get better. No matter what happens, it does get better.
We are 2 1/2 years out from DDay and things are SO much better. Our relationship is better than it was pre-affair. Still hurts, but nothing like what you are experiencing right now. There are no words to describe that pain.
Even if your marriage ends, you will feel better. Hope some of this helps. Lord knows I tried everything in the book. K
WILL NOT DEFINE ME
I had no choice in the actions, decisions, bullshit of it all. I will not allow it to be attached to me.
I have to deal with what my husband chose to do but I will not take one ounce of responsibility for the affair.
I can hold up my head, look into the mirror and sleep (finally) because I did nothing wrong where the affair is concerned.
Good luck. It's a long sucky road but you can and will make it.
If You Forget Me
I want you to know
You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
if each day,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
Are you seeing an therapist/counselor for yourself?
That's one major thing I'd recommend. I think my therapy was a major important for my healing.
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.