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Looking for a Mantra

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hurtininHouston posted 6/21/2013 07:06 AM

I two months out from DD. I am working on things with my WW. However, every time I see her my body stiffens, I am a little colder and the thoughts start of "what they did, what he did, what she said, what she texted,........mind movies and thoughts. UGH. Looking for some inspirational quotes. Something I can memorize and go to, to help clear some of these thoughts. I had found some on facebook right after the beginning, but never wrote them down or remember them. Trying to shift my thought patterns to something better. Found a great saying, Thoughts never leave the mind of the thinker. My thoughts have no meaning to her. They are my thoughts, they eat me alive. I am punishing myself. The sad thing is I know this, and I still continue to do it. I am the one suffering with my own thoughts. I guess I am still not there with "accepting" that this has happened and is part of my marriage now. My anger is still too great! So, back to my search. Let me hear some, I know plenty of you out there should have some good ones.
Thanks

Nailinmyforehead posted 6/21/2013 08:17 AM

Hi there, 4 1/2 months out myself and just now coming to terms with this all happening. Not sure how long you have been married, but the thing that I keep repeating to myself, that has helped me is to - "Look at the whole body of work" and not to let "One shitstain totally erase many good years with a good wife". I also keep telling myself, "She is a great wife, she just got lost for a bit". Not sure if those may help you, but I feel for you. This blows and is the worst thing I have ever experienced.

hurtininHouston posted 6/21/2013 08:45 AM

It's funny you posted this. I saw a posting of yours yesterday. I think you are a couple months in front of me. I have been married for 14 years. Together for 16. My wife too was/ is a good person overall. And yes this is a big shitstain. I try to say that to myself, but I keep feeling that she knew this would be the end if she did it. I always said that. But she took that chance. She still went ahead with it and did for 5 months. I guess that is one thing I am tryhing to swallow along with the rest of the shit sandwich. I actually sent you a pm yesterday.

Jennifer99 posted 6/21/2013 09:32 AM

I've been trying to think of a mantra too. I wish I could help.

Instead I've been reading a lot of Thich Nhat Hahn. Trying to get where I can honor how I'm feeling instead of fighting it. Hoping that will make it easier to let go.

It is hard for me as I am a "lay it all out there" kind of person but he doesn't want to hear it all, can't tell everyone I know, this one is all on me.

tushnurse posted 6/21/2013 13:09 PM

5 years out here.
The thing I felt was most helpful was to keep telling myself. I was smart, successful, a great mom, and an awesome person. I had no part in the decisions he made, and I could not make him do anything he did not want to do.

I know not exactly inspiring but it allowed me to build up my self esteem which was destroyed. It also allowed me to let go a bit. I knew it was out of my hands. I could support him when he made positive changes but I could not change what he had done or what he would do on his own. The serenity prayer from AA was my favorite prayer during early R as well.

(((and strength)))

Nailinmyforehead posted 6/21/2013 14:02 PM

Hurt, like you, I always thought that an A was a deal breaker for me. I went for years telling my wife that I "would love her no matter what". Guess what? The "no matter what" has happened. Now I need to be a man of my word. As I saw someone post a bit back here, "R isn't for pussies". It takes a bigger man to swallow pride. As I told my wife, I could walk away with my pride and have absolutely nothing to show for it.

kansas1968 posted 6/21/2013 17:04 PM

I don't know if this is exactly what you are looking for, but it helped me a great deal in getting through the first year. You are just in the first steps of this horrible journey, and at two months out your emotions are likely to be all over the place, from hate, to rage, to sorrow, to loving her, hating her, wanting to stay, wanting to leave....it is HORRIBLE.

I think the hardest thing in the world to do is stay with someone and continue to love someone who has betrayed you. One guy thought he was a coward for staying, but I am here to tell you that staying and trying to fix your marriage is the bravest thing you will ever do.

But nevertheless, you keep feeling like you are a sucker, that you should leave, that your self-esteem demands that you stomp out the door.
So, on to my mantra. When I would get stressed and think I could just not do it another day, I would walk and say to myself (sometimes aloud, sometimes not)

"I can leave anytime I want to. I can leave anytime I want to. I don't have to stay. I can leave anytime I want to."

I don't know why, but that always calmed me. That telling myself, if I can't make it, I can leave. So, I would tough it out another day. It has been hell, but
just to give you hope, it does get better. No matter what happens, it does get better.

We are 2 1/2 years out from DDay and things are SO much better. Our relationship is better than it was pre-affair. Still hurts, but nothing like what you are experiencing right now. There are no words to describe that pain.

Even if your marriage ends, you will feel better. Hope some of this helps. Lord knows I tried everything in the book. K

1Faith posted 6/21/2013 17:25 PM

Mine is to remind myself that his horrible choices and the affair

WILL NOT DEFINE ME

I had no choice in the actions, decisions, bullshit of it all. I will not allow it to be attached to me.

I have to deal with what my husband chose to do but I will not take one ounce of responsibility for the affair.

I can hold up my head, look into the mirror and sleep (finally) because I did nothing wrong where the affair is concerned.

Good luck. It's a long sucky road but you can and will make it.

Rattus2000 posted 6/21/2013 17:39 PM

This is my R poem. Kinda pussy for a guy but it says it better than I ever could. Its not where I am now, too fresh, but where without showing any weakness, I hope to get.


If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

solus sto posted 6/21/2013 18:17 PM

I'm not much for praying, but found--and find--the message behind the Serenity Prayer to be really helpful. It reminds me to focus only on the things I can change.

hurtininHouston posted 6/21/2013 22:29 PM

Thanks to all. Loved the poem. I have felt like a pussy for staying. No question. But I know when I look at her, especially when she is asleep or not looking, of how much I do love her....our kids.......our life. Nails said I won't let her one shit stain ruin everything. I like that but it is hard. Everyday it is hard. She looks at me and I sigh, I sigh quite a bit. She knows why....my chest gets titght and it is just a little tougher to breathe. She knows what I am thinking and going through. The other night out of the blue she says, I know this is tough for you. I am sorry. It helped....for a little while. I spend a lot of time alone for my job. that is the killer.. My thoughts just wander. I thank you all. Keep them coming if anyone else has more.
H

Dare2Trust posted 6/22/2013 00:03 AM

hurtinginHouston,

Are you seeing an therapist/counselor for yourself?
That's one major thing I'd recommend. I think my therapy was a major important for my healing.

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