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Whoa jackson!!! Hold your horses! Yeesh.....

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She11ybeanz posted 6/21/2013 07:54 AM

So....the nerdy guy I told you about that gave me his phone number just emailed me again on the dating site....and I was supposed to give him a call this weekend....but now I'm having second thoughts.... He just sent this message:

Are you a person that wants to be in a relationship? If we were lovers and so forth and I had to move bc of work, would you and your daughter move with me?

First of all, I wouldn't be PAYING to be on a dating site if I didn't want to be in a relationship....and second of all.....It would depend on the extent of the relationship and connection that I had with someone that would determine whether or not I would uproot myself from my career and family for another person.... and that is not a question that I am in a position at this time to answer!

Random thoughts posted 6/21/2013 08:11 AM

Kind of weird stating the "you and your daughter " why not just you?

Its almost like he is testing the waters of how co-dependent you are or will be.

And how easy it will to get to the daughter of the women he is dating.

She11ybeanz posted 6/21/2013 08:13 AM

I just like how presumptuous he is saying "If we were lovers" blah blah blah... and then asking if my daughter and I would move away with him! Um....DUDE....we haven't really even talked that much yet! Is this a scare tactic???

Its working....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:14 AM, June 21st (Friday)]

cmego posted 6/21/2013 08:17 AM

I would still talk to him just to gauge what he is like. It is a bit...presumptuous...of him to already ask that question.

BUT, he may be thinking, "Whats the point in even talking to her if she cannot relocate". You don't know the reason he asked the question.

For me, it would be an automatic "No" since I cannot relocate due to my custody arrangement.

I used to ask guys in the first email or two if they cheated on their wives. That put a few off...so I learned to temper my "screening tools" until further along in the process.

If you get a bad vibe when you chat with him, just say..."Although you have some great qualities, but I don't think we are a match and I am not interested in taking this any further. Good luck in your search!"

Amazonia posted 6/21/2013 08:22 AM

BUT, he may be thinking, "Whats the point in even talking to her if she cannot relocate". You don't know the reason he asked the question.

This was my first thought. I talked to a lot of military guys when I was doing OLD, and almost all of them asked me, very early on, if I'd be willing to move if things developed.

I'm now looking at a career that will take me abroad for years at a time, and will need to submit that same question to anyone who I might enter a serious relationship with. I'd rather not waste someone's time, and I'd rather they not waste mine, if it's a complete deal breaker from the start. Trust me, it sucks to high heaven to really fall for someone and then have something like geography prevent things from developing.

First of all, I wouldn't be PAYING to be on a dating site if I didn't want to be in a relationship

You need to be aware that not everyone who is on a paid site is looking for the same type of relationship you are. Some are, even many if you're on one of the more expensive sites like eHarmony or Chemistry, but paying for OLD does not automatically mean that everyone wants the same thing.

ETA:

It would depend on the extent of the relationship and connection that I had with someone that would determine whether or not I would uproot myself from my career and family for another person

Honestly, it's okay to tell him this - if he is seriously looking to relocate (and I'm speaking from being in his shoes right now), this^ is a very different answer than "no, I wouldn't". He's not asking you to pack up tomorrow. He's asking if it's a dealbreaker and should he not waste his time, or if you'd be open to the possibility if things developed to that point between the two of you.

It's actually not an unreasonable question.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 8:24 AM, June 21st (Friday)]

She11ybeanz posted 6/21/2013 08:29 AM

Okay....here was my reply...

Well, I definitely wouldn't be on match if I wasn't interested in being in a relationship. I don't have the time or patience for a casual type of thing. As far as relocating, it would depend on the circumstances as to whether or not I would uproot my daughter and move leaving behind my family and career. I would need to feel very confident with someone and know that the relationship was worth it. Its not really a yes or no question. Would I just move away a month from now with someone I met on here, probably not. A couple of years from now? Its a possibility. Does that answer your question?

debbysbaby posted 6/21/2013 08:30 AM

That made my creep meeter go off...or at least my defenses went up as someone who isn't quite as stable and rational and cautious as I would want during a new beginning.

Catwoman posted 6/21/2013 08:32 AM

I think it is not unreasonable. In fact, I would have replied " Interesting question. Why do you ask?" It may be he doesn't like where he is living and might be looking. Or maybe his career choice has him moving from place to place every few years.

Shelley, I think your creep-o-meter is mis calibrated. Look at it this way: you have very little invested and even if you meet for coffee, you have very little invested. Why not adopt the "sit back and let him show you who he is" approach.

You are very quick to assign negatives. Why not ask what is going on--might give you the answers--the real answers--you are seeking.

Cat

She11ybeanz posted 6/21/2013 08:35 AM

I went ahead and answered his question. Like you said, I really have nothing to lose but I will admit...my creep-o-meter is set on a low toleration level....for sure! I've had too many bad OLD experiences.... but I'm working on trying not to "jump the gun" so to speak.

I've already been smart enough to not even respond to the guys that send me the one-liners "You're beautiful" or "wanna text?" Um....no.

jennie160 posted 6/21/2013 08:45 AM

Its almost like he is testing the waters of how co-dependent you are or will be.

This was my initial reaction as well and I probably would have nexted him.

Even if I went off of Ama's theory, it still means he probably doesn't have the best communication skills. He should have started that message explaining why he was asking those questions. But no one is perfect and it can't hurt to give him a chance, just keep your eyes open for more creep-o-signs.

osxgirl posted 6/21/2013 08:58 AM

I don't think asking about moving would be a huge flag for me... assuming he is in a position where that might be a possibility.

The flag for me was saying "If we were lovers and so forth." That just really sounded... off to me.

Something like "if we were in a serious committed relationship..." would be better. Or "if we got to the point of talking marriage and..."

Of course, using "lovers" this way has always been a little off-putting to me anyway. Whenever I hear it used, it always seems to come off a little creepy to me. That's probably just me, though.

But using it this soon seems rather presumptuous.

SBB posted 6/21/2013 09:30 AM

It rubs the lotion on its skin.

This gives me the heebie jeebies big time.

She11ybeanz posted 6/21/2013 10:02 AM

Okey Dokey..... 2nd email from him.... still not sure what to think yet....

These are just to get a feel for you. I like you and want to really give us a chance. I guess my weekness is I'm very trusting and loving. Sorry for that. Ok redhead, here goes: are our distances too far from each other? I am looking for a job right now so I hope that doesn't count against me. Do you like to dance? Would you be open to a Friday the 13th marathon? They're scary movies from the 80's. Favorite ice-cream. I'm a very confident person when it comes to my intelligence and my caring nature. I just know the heart that I have and don't like it to be broken. Anyway, you're talking to a good guy so don't pursue me unless you really like me. Have a great day

newnormal posted 6/21/2013 10:08 AM

probably doesn't have the best communication skills

Thats what I thought. Secondly, maybe he's been burned recently.

She11ybeanz posted 6/21/2013 10:10 AM

I'm thinking he's been burned recently by the 2nd email...refer to above!!

persevere posted 6/21/2013 10:45 AM

Dating is a process of getting to know each other, and it sounds almost as if he expects you to be in or out right now, which is not realistic.

Have you talked to each other on the phone and just had a conversation? If you do want to give him a chance, maybe you should do that, and if that goes well, then go out with him again.

Isn't dating fun?

Oh the Irony posted 6/21/2013 10:58 AM

Yeah, slow down dude. I can see the first email, but to say that he "like you and wants to give us a chance" stuff is wierd.

If you haven't met yet, then "liking you" already is odd. I mean, I generally have a decent idea of if I will like someone, but to want to really give something a chance when you haven't even met yet just screams of wierdness to me.

He is WAY overinvested in someone he hasn't met.

cmego posted 6/21/2013 10:59 AM

hmmmm. At this point I would probably say something along the line of..

"You sound like a great person and I don't have any idea if I am pursuing you or not at this point. I take getting to know someone slowly. Think, "move like a slug...'"

I would give him a warning that he is moving too fast for your comfort level. I even told one guy "slug like"...he got the hint and backed off.

Some of his questions are good, and some people just come off odd during email. Some of it feels like he moves quickly...but...again...hard to tell unless you move to phone/coffee.

jennie160 posted 6/21/2013 11:23 AM

Anyway, you're talking to a good guy so don't pursue me unless you really like me.

This is what really sticks out to me in the second email. Sorry, but if you have to tell someone you're a good guy, you're probably not.

If you do respond, I would use cmego's suggestion of explaining that you're just getting to know each other still and that you do this slowly. If he is truly a "good guy" he will respect this and back off a bit.

She11ybeanz posted 6/21/2013 12:00 PM

I responded and said exactly what you guys said.... and if he comes back with the lamp in my face and his interrogation glasses on again.....then I might have to nix this conversation and move on. This is wayyyy too much for me and I don't like to feel like I'm in an interview. I know that we need to get to know each other.... but I don't like to feel like this is an exam....pass/fail situation... ya know??

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