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Newest Member: byes329 (61868)

User Topic: Advice ppl please
♀ 39214
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH got offered a second job working security to a company who does work for club bars , and important ppl .....he came and asked what I thought about that and idk.
Considering he was at a bar when he met His ONS I'm not very comfortable it's a trigger but we could really use the money , I mean we're left with single digit numbers after bills and I have been looking for work with no luck. He says I can cross ref. time and pay if I want and that's he isn't interested in entertaining anyone just to work and when he works its about work .....advice?



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Again :)

Money doesn't fix everything. Right now is a time for you to feel safe, IMO I wouldn't have him take a job right now that makes you trigger. It will be hell while he is at work.

After my husbands A I left the job of my dreams and took a HUGE paycut. We struggled for a bit financially, but I eventually got a job about the same as I left....when I could handle the pressure and not worry about being at work while he was home doing ....nothing

It's about you right now, remember that.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 4012 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 37043
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a tough one. It is great that he came and discussed with you and seems OK with you leading the decision.

Personally, financial stress is huge. Perhaps having extra cash flow will help your R in the sense that you can focus on non-$$ things for awhile.

I'm also of the belief that a WS can't be controlled, i.e. if he wants to cheat, he'll do it anywhere. I'm not about to control my WH's environment in an attempt to prevent cheating because, well, I don't think it is about the environment and, frankly, I want him NOT to cheat because that's not who he is anymore...not because I blocked him from all temptation.

Having said all of that, your D-Day looks recent? And triggers are triggers - so if the bar environment will trigger you that badly, it may not be worth it.

Why not take the job and give it a try with an agreement to check-in frequently about it. Would he be willing to quit the job a few months down the road if it isn't working for you? If so, then I'd say you've got nothing to lose because the decision isn't permanent.

Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 39214
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he is taking the job says we can use the money to afford dates and time alone and get a babysitter ....that he would call and text every hour if I want him to (4 hour gig on weekends) .....ugh makes me sick he says I need to trust he has our best interest and that it has to start somewhere .....why can't I get a fuckin job ! I probably applied to over 20 and nothing



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 18429
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he says I need to trust he has our best interest and that it has to start somewhere

That's a pretty bold statement for someone who just slept with another woman 2 months ago! He has NO clue what he's done, he's not even close to getting it if this kind of drivel just fell out of his mouth.

He can text you every 15 minutes, that doesn't mean he won't be getting a blow job while doing it. I've seen WS's on this board who have taken their lunch break, called the BW on the phone and talked dirty with her to "spice up their love life", and then when he hangs up he screws the OW in his car.

Being just 2 months out from DDay, there's no chance that this work arrangement would be ok with me at all. He can find another job, doing something else, even on the weekends and evenings only. Your emotional well being is worth WAY more than the measly pay he's going to make... because no matter what amount it is, it won't make your life any better if you are at home crying, worrying, and miserable the entire time he's gone.

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - WS
Us - working on R - again
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
D-day 2 July 4, 2015, turns out he is a SAWH, status, working harder than ever before, trying to fix something we thought we already had. It's

Posts: 4467 | Registered: Feb 2008
Topic Posts: 5

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