"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

CatchyUsername posted 6/21/2013 08:50 AM

Help - I am tired of hearing about "the best revenge is a life well lived"

Talk me down off the ledge...

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/21/2013 09:00 AM

LOL...I've never been a believer in that ridiculous adage, either.

I've had TONS of revenge plots I've dreamed up - right down to the last detail of how to carry them out, and you know what stopped me from doing any of them? Fear of retribution from a "higher" power.

Not fear of HER. I would have welcomed that and it would just addded to the fun.

No, it was fear of angering God and him making me 'pay' for it.

Ugh. I can't win.

Razor posted 6/21/2013 09:11 AM

I think its normal to want to inflict pain on the one who is (at least partly) responsible for hurting us so badly. And I have never been one to go the forgiveness route.

My revenge fantasies for OM followed Poe's the Pit and the Pendulum. I would have loved sitting and watching that terrible blade descent ever so slowly toward OM. I would be eating popcorn and laugh at his fear.

So yeh I get what you are feeling.

But OM is not worth me going to prison over. THAT is what is keeping him safe.

[This message edited by Razor at 9:12 AM, June 21st (Friday)]

notquiteoverit posted 6/21/2013 10:52 AM

I think most of us want this to some extent. I'll echo what Razor said. I fantasize about getting revenged and doing great bodily harm to OW. But, that has consequences that could ruin your life. Instaed of getting revenge on OW, come up with some things that will be good for YOU. Make pampering yourself you number one priority for a while.

IAmPsycho posted 6/21/2013 11:22 AM

Lol, never again.

I thought the same thing. "Revenge is mine sayeth The Lord" right? But what if he wants to work through me? LOL. Hey, Lord, I'm here if you need me to be your hands and feet in that revenge thing. LOL

Living well IS the best revenge! In my situation, the OW was my BFF and she wanted to D her husband and move mine into her house. Instead, she lost custody of her child, and has been battling in court all this time. She is remarried to a loser guy, but she has to work at a crap job that she hates. Her life is crap.

In the meantime, my WH has done everything right since the A. He dropped her cold, and didn't give her the "closure" she wanted. He chose me. We bought a big house with a pool, and we filled it up with kids, and we started our own business that is booming. I get to stay at home with my kids ( that makes her really jealous).

And I leave out the part about how I'm depressed every day, and the A still has me in a loop.

[This message edited by IAmPsycho at 11:22 AM, June 21st (Friday)]

ifinallyfoundme posted 6/21/2013 11:26 AM

If you think that you want to get involved with a man in a relationship or a married man PLEASE realize that you’re gong to have to deal with the following:

You often feel like shit about yourself
One or the other will eventually start to feel “more” and somebody’s feelings get hurt
There is no way that it can last forever. In the end somebody decides it doesn’t work for them anymore
The person not in the “serious” relationship is left alone at the end of this tryst and the “committed” person goes back to their “happy” relationship.
You have no right to be angry when they say they want to “try to work things out” with their significant other.
You are left with no leg to stand on and somehow your feelings don’t seem to matter
There is often a heightened sense of emotion and passion that will not last once the “thrill” of the affair ebbs.
Your tears go unshed until they aren’t around because nobody wants a mistress who sobs all over them, we are supposed to be eternally patient, sexually satisfying, fun, and devoid of the stresses of reality. (Read-unfeeling fuck machines)

http://theindiechicks.com/love-and-sex/relationships/a-warning-from-a-former-mistress/
The above is part of an article from a OW and there are plenty out there that tell their sides of the story.It's not a very pretty story. Do live well and don't wallow in their mess. Don't get stuck!

I know of cheaters who have suffered strokes while having sex with the AP and had only a partial recovery or died.

I listened to my WS tell his AP no contact and she was visibly shaken and devastated. All the years of secrecy and hiding were wasted...instead of finding someone who truly loved her.If she wanted to start a family it's kind of late at 43 to start from scratch.

No, no the facade is to appear as though cheaters always prevail but I have yet to see one case were I would swap places with them.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt? what's going on in her mind these days...
If you are a Christian please read Psalm 94.

[This message edited by ifinallyfoundme at 11:29 AM, June 21st (Friday)]

Tired05 posted 6/21/2013 11:28 AM

When I first found out and I was pregnant and they got 'engaged' behind my back (yes, were were legally married and he was still acting like a great husband who loved me) I wanted to get lifesized manniquins of the both of them and beat the manniquins to a pulp so they couldn't be told apart...among other violent things. I settled for sending the OW a very sarcastic message about being happy for their 'engagement' and described in great detail how 'great' (dickish) my hubby was and how I hope everything turns out 'perfectly' (he treats you just how he treated his pregnant wife). She replied that she knew everything already (meaning she knew he was cheating/cheated, I was pregnant, and we weren't in marital crisis beforehand) and forwarded it to him. He replied by calling me (30 wks preggo) at 4am in the morning screaming and yelling about how I was "ruining everything" and I had no right. I replied to him by sending him a picture of me burning the decorative (not the legal one) marriage certificate that we had in a frame over the fireplace. It did not satisfy my anger, however, I have come to the conclusion that nothing will.

PrincessPeach06 posted 6/21/2013 11:39 AM

Oh boy is this hard for me! lol. I try and take comfort in the fact that she has been ignored since the day after the ONS and probably feels like shit but to me that's what she deserves pursuing a married man. She keeps sending messages ranging from bashing us to saying how in love she is so I guess she's torturing herself anyway.

I did have a dream where I was beating the crap out of her while telling her exactly what I thought of her and she didn't hear a word. I suppose that is what would happen in real life.

sullymeishadomi posted 6/21/2013 11:50 AM

Generally they just dont get it. You causing them pain would make them a victim and you an evil beast in their mind.

Or they will laugh.

Also depending on what you do to "hurt or cause pain" they could file charges. There was on bs here who either had to go to court or was deamed guilty by the court for an email that had no malice to it

If youre in the beginning stages, these are normal feelings. Dont act on them, though.

PhoenixGirl posted 6/21/2013 11:54 AM

Hey Catchy. I agree with what Razor said - this is actually the first time in my life when fear of a prison sentance actually kept me from acting out in the way I truly wanted to! The closest I came to "revenge" was confronting her in the parking lot of the hospital where we both work - she went to HR, and I was the one who got the write-up. So, that wasn't particularly satisfying.

So - briefly fantasize - and then get back to reality and realize that truly, revenge would end up hurting you as well. And get on with that life well lived...

confused615 posted 6/21/2013 11:56 AM

Wow. Your husband is an asshole. The OW isn't your problem..he is.

nofool4u posted 6/21/2013 12:08 PM

It isn't really worth it.

But if you are talking about outing her as a howewrecker, whatever, I see nothing wrong with that.

Having said that, I would not wish to do harm, of a non-violent nature, to an affair partner unless my significant other suffered consequences first. Not married now, was, but if married again then it would be my wife that needs to pay for what she did...first at least.

Jrazz posted 6/21/2013 12:12 PM

I want to share a quote with you, because you asked to be talked down off of the ledge with these thoughts.

I've experienced firsthand that when I exchange my anger and hurt for compassion, my body physically feels better.

As much as it seems unfair that these people should kick us around and there be no recourse, I've found that the only aspect I've EVER had control of through this whole ordeal is how I let it affect me.

I want to share some peaceful self-talk. You don't have to subscribe to it, and you don't have to agree. I'm just hoping that it may give some feeling of peace or lightness to those in the really hard, excruciating first days/weeks/months.

The ultimate source of a happy life is warm-heartedness. This means extending to others the kind of concern we have for ourselves. On a simple level we find that if we have a compassionate heart we naturally have more friends. And scientists today are discovering that while anger and hatred eat into our immune system, warm-heartedness and compassion are good for our health. D. Lama

I know that it's damn near impossible not to feel angry right now. I'm just saying that if you can find a way to steer away from the thoughts of revenge, which I know all too well, you will find that relief that you thought might be gained from retaliation but ultimately, cannot.

(((Everybody)))

ETA- I'm not saying you have to feel good about the AP/WS at this point. This is more an idea about participating in some energy that has compassion in it - you know, petting a lonely dog, pouring tea for yourself and a good friend, donating to a local charity. Maybe just staring at a flower and appreciating its color. That's how to truly get off the ledge safely.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:18 PM, June 21st (Friday)]

cdnmommy posted 6/21/2013 12:24 PM

I prefer the quote "revenge is a dish best served cold."

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting revenge, dreaming about it, etc. The problem is that often revenge doesn't work out the way we think it will, or make us feel the way we hope it will.

Take time to feel the feelings and let them go on their own. I can say that at 2.5 years into R, I am glad my rational brain overrode my reptilian brain and prevented me from seeking revenge. I did nothing to hurt her back, and therefore nothing that could cause further collateral damage to her family. I didn't do anything hat I would later feel embarrassed by. I can hold my head high as someone who has class.

And, if she frets about waiting for the other shoe to drop and that one day I may expose her to others, then that is awesome...and is totally not my problem. (j/k, sort of.)

Faithful w/Love posted 6/21/2013 12:31 PM

GOd hates UGLY! Don't be like them. She is only half to blame. Your Wh allowed this to happen to you. She is not worth anything that she has protrayed herself as.

I know, I wanted the same thing and I had the chance and I just could not do it (my kids were wathcing also) but I also knew this was his drama that he brought to our home. It showed me how messed up alot of people are and I NEVER WANT TO BE LIKE THAT TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

God, will deal with them. You don't have to. Let it happen without you involved. Trust that!

Jrazz posted 6/21/2013 12:58 PM

Wanting to add - I know that I quoted a spiritual leader but I am by no means saying that anyone needs to subscribe to anything more than trying to find their inner peace in a way that resonates with them.

I just needed to quote the source in this case because I don't want to take credit for someone else's words.

Faithful w/Love posted 6/21/2013 13:03 PM

Jrazz, you are so sweet!

I loved what the quote said. Very true.

Nailinmyforehead posted 6/21/2013 13:56 PM

Wow. Some great advice in this thread, and almost as if it was meant to be, the members here seem to tell me what I need to read when I need to hear it the most.

CatchyUsername posted 6/21/2013 14:01 PM

Nailinmyforehead I agree! I am so glad I started the thread. So many ways that I had not yet looked at it...

rachelc posted 6/21/2013 14:07 PM

Last night something important happened to me - I actually felt a little compassion towards the OW. It's been just over a year. While I don't wish them harm I just don't want to see them.

I know one of the OW has had a hysterectomy. I don't know if this weighs heavy on her but I know if I had one I would question my womanhood. A man making advances on me, telling me I'm beautiful and wanting to be with me would make me feel very good. If that is where she was at, I can understand how she slipped down the slope. Of course, she slipped with my husband.

I can only say that seeing it this way makes me feel good about myself, I have no great revelation or anything, just growth I guess.