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Getting to know the new gf

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chikastuff posted 6/21/2013 09:34 AM

XWH has been dating someone for about 10 months. They've moved in together and it appears serious. Well, as serious as it can get with someone like him. I don't think she was an OW, but I'm pretty sure they met in the same circles/channels he was playing in during our marriage. For some reason this woman triggers me. I react to her like she was an OW. I don't like the idea of her being around my son and I don't want her at my son's activities, etc. I know this is something I need to work on because while I don't think she's a permanent fixture, she's in his life and thus mine for the time being.

He brought her to my son's end of the year school party. I didn't know she would be there and walked in to them playing happy parents for everyone. I felt totally blindsided and it was awkward. I had it out with my ex that following Monday. This was also the first time my ex and I have appeared together as our son's parents since we separated and divorced. I told him I would have appreciated a heads up so I could prepare mentally.

The next thing I know I have an email from her basically asking what my problem was. She suggested we meet to talk and get to know one another. Great, fine, thanks for being mature. I really do appreciate her reaching out to me, up until this point he was very adamant about keeping distance between us. I don't even know her last name and she's potentially caring for my child.

So now we're at the day before the get together and I feel frozen. She asked that there be no discussion about my ex, our previous relationship or our current relationship. How can I talk about my son without talking about our arrangement? How can I talk about my concerns about my son without mentioning WHY I have the concerns? And how do I stop myself from telling her that the reason I don't want her at his events is because whether she understands it or not, she's temporary?

movingforward777 posted 6/21/2013 11:16 AM

Sorry, but it sounds like you are looking for all the reasons NOT to like this woman before you really know her.....
I would suggest you do go and have a coffee with her and sit and talk to her...
You may find that she is a very nice person, with your son's best interests at heart...(like I did)
I have met the woman my exh is with now and I think under different circumstances we would be great friends...we have had some great conversations, including the fact that she did not split up my marriage, and we genuinely like each other...
I don't insert myself into their relationship, she is respectful of me and my role and our adult children's mother, and as a result we get along great...
I would avoid telling her she is "temporary"...really that is none of your business (sorry to be so blunt)...she obviously has found something in your exh that she likes to move in with him, want to attend his son's events, and you can save yourself a lot of grief if you can at least be civil with the woman.....
I understand it's hard, but your son has to come first, and she is going to be a part of his life so it will make it a lot easier if he doesn't see his Mum have a melt down everytime she has to be around her....
Hope your meeting with her goes may just end up finding out a lot about her you like.....HUGS

ninebark posted 6/21/2013 11:27 AM

I agree with movingforward777

My ex has a gf who was not the OW. I am of the belief that she has nothing to do with me or my past marriage. As long as she is good to my son I will be nice to her.

Turns out she is a very nice lady and I would not hesitate to use her as a sitter if I was in a jam. I know she will be good to my kid. She is at lots of my son's activities and I always make a point to talk to her and make her feel welcome.

Just remember, this gf did not break up your marriage. She is new to this mess, give her a chance and base your feelings towards her on her actions. :)

Causing unecessary strife and tension only hurts the children. Try to work this out with her if you can.

and as far as the meeting and what you can discuss. She obviously doesn't want to get involved and that is understandable, but you have to be honest with her and let her know that if you are going to clear the air there are some touchy subjects about your history that will have to be discussed and go from there.

[This message edited by ninebark at 11:30 AM, June 21st (Friday)]

chikastuff posted 6/21/2013 12:18 PM

I know my feelings aren't constructive. I really needed to vent, though. I would never tell someone that I thought they were temporary and you're right. All that matters is that she keeps my ex in line and is good to my kid. Maybe the third time is the charm....doubtful, but maybe.

Ugh, I just hate him!!

Sad in AZ posted 6/21/2013 12:28 PM

I have a different take on this. You know your ex; she is probably the flavor du jour. It's showing bad form on her part to be playing 'happy parent' to your child until and unless he 'puts a ring on it'.

You should treat her as politely as you would treat any other stranger,but I'd be telling her that you don't know her yet and you take issue with her playing parent at this point.

Kajem posted 6/21/2013 12:43 PM

I'm with Sad on this... she isn't DS's step parent. At least not yet.

I would also take exception to her emailing you. You and XH deal with each other.. you don't have to deal with her.

Of course I am jaded on this subject- just ask my Xh and nw

SBB posted 6/22/2013 02:12 AM

I have a different take on this. You know your ex; she is probably the flavor du jour. It's showing bad form on her part to be playing 'happy parent' to your child until and unless he 'puts a ring on it'.

^^THIS. There are going to be so many iterations I've decided to call them Umpteen. Current one is OWUmpteen, next one will be VictimUmpteen.

I wasn't VictimOne - I certainly won't be the last victim.

Further, I don't want anything to do with X - why on earth would I want anything to do with his current victim?

Chrysalis123 posted 6/22/2013 12:06 PM

You should treat her as politely as you would treat any other stranger,but I'd be telling her that you don't know her yet and you take issue with her playing parent at this point.

This and what Kajem said.

Yes, your child is small. However, she is not the step-mom yet. They are not engaged are they?

I also get the vibe that she is really pushy and telling YOU how this meeting will go about your child. Ummm...not happening.

I would sit and think about this and how to structure the relationship about your kid....not hers.

Chrysalis123 posted 6/22/2013 12:11 PM

I forgot...I had something happen like this. GF moved in with NPD-x and sent me an email criticizing my handling of a situation and asking my permission for her to get my DD18 a graduation dress.

Thanks to the wise SI peeps I sent her an email thanking her for her concern and I asked that all communication about my kids be done through their father.

Have not heard a peep since.

I intentionally decided 6 years ago to have nothing to do with NPD-x nor any friends that associated with him That has served me very well.

So why in the world would I suddenly want to be buddies with the current flavor of the month??

fireproof posted 6/22/2013 15:22 PM

I don't see a point unless you really would like to meeting her. In some ways you are putting her in a spot of more importance than he is. I wouldn't meet her until they are engaged. She shouldn't be a factor in your son's life as far as decisions. If you are aware of how you feel around avoid her or keep busy around them. It is hard and my ex married the OW and I am not looking forward to the day I have to navigate that- she has no problem with what she did even when she was married. I would call and tell her you appreciate the offer but decided it wouldn't be best. In time when things appear more serious if she would like to talk you are available. Thank her for reaching out but it would not be appropriate. Good luck and give yourself a break OW or not it is hard at times to see your ex with someone else.

fireproof posted 6/22/2013 15:22 PM

Duplicate Post Internet Issues

[This message edited by fireproof at 3:24 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

chikastuff posted 6/22/2013 20:08 PM

Update: The meeting (in my opinion) did not go well. She's a piece of work. Very self-righteous and well, unpleasant. She was very aggressive from the outset. She literally sat down at the table and said "So, what do you want to know about me?" and then proceeded to refuse to tell me her last name. I mean, she might as well have asked "so what's your problem?" It was that kind of attitude/delivery. I took the high road and explained my perspective on the altercation last week. Which fell on deaf and obstinant ears. She then proceeded to accuse me of feeding my TWO YEAR OLD negative information about her. Um, no that's very mich NOT happening. I came out of the meeting with the impression that she's as big a narcicissist as my ex. When talking about her disapproval of how I behave during drop offs (polite but not engaging, bordering on ignoring her) I realized, "OMG, this is all about her right now. She thinks my standoffishness is because of HER!" When in reality it's because I'm leaving my baby with my ex and a total stranger for days at a time. I'm sad, I want pick ups over with quickly and with as little interaction as possible.

Oh yes, and she closed with "We're getting married, so I'm not going anywhere. It's happening, so just get used to it." Um...okay...and I care why?

They're also looking into having the jurisdiction of custody changed. I think they're preping for a custody play down the road.

In all I'm ok with how I conducted the exchange. I think I led with my nice/polite side. I did apologize for making her feel uncomfortable at the gathering and I think that was a mistake because it opened the door for her to scold me. But I felt like it was the right thing to do considering we were trying to bury the hatchet so to speak. We'll see what happens next.

Crescita posted 6/22/2013 20:26 PM

At least now you know you can handle her crazy with grace.

foreverempty posted 6/23/2013 00:31 AM

That sounded like hard work and like you said, totally narcissistic!

I feel for you having to be forced to interact with her, well done for being strong.

persevere posted 6/23/2013 02:08 AM

My initial thought on your first post? Boundaries! Which you need to set in place asap. Now that I've seen your update its even more important.

She is not in charge of anything unless it is helpful to you. Period. You do not refer to her in any way unless it is helpful to you.

You were totally in line to call him out when he blindsided you at a public event with her presence.

From here on out keep any necessary interactions between you and him. If she interjects ignore and respond to him. He is the parent. You can do it calmly.

Keep your eye on the ball chikastuff. (( Hugs))

Chrysalis123 posted 6/23/2013 09:55 AM

From here on out keep any necessary interactions between you and him. If she interjects ignore and respond to him. He is the parent. You can do it calmly.


movingforward777 posted 6/24/2013 13:03 PM

It sounds as if she came to the meeting with a big chip on her handled yourself maturely and didn't get into a big argument/fight with her which would have only given her reason to carry on about it all....
Make it clear to your exh that from now on you will only deal with him, will not include her in any decisions/planning, and do not wish to interact with her in any way...
Remember, she has heard all the "nasties" from your exh where you are concerned, and has a preconceived idea about you coming into the meeting...sounds as if she only wanted to meet you to exert her "this is my position in his life" don't need that crap....
In future I would simply ignore her and hope that she will in time go away.....HUGS

lostmommy posted 6/24/2013 13:12 PM

"We're getting married, so I'm not going anywhere. It's happening, so just get used to it."

Is he marrying my XWH's current wife?? I swear she said the same thing to me in the beginning.

I've recently told my XWH that I would appreciate if parenting decisions were made by J's parents without intervention from others. I appreciate that XWH's "new wife" loves J. I really do. There are never enough people that can love a child in my opinion. That being said, he has a mother and a father, and decision making should be reserved for said mother and father and only them. XWH and new wife can parent OC however they see fit, but not J.

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