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Grieving the marriage alone

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FightingBack posted 6/21/2013 10:26 AM

Although WH claims his remorse and is behaving the way I always needed him to, short of bringing up the A, I have felt that we were not on the same page about something.

Today, I am thinking that the "something" may be that although I am still grieving the death of our "old" marriage, he has and is not.

He is all for looking forward to the future and making the most of the present. That is great but I feel that maybe I want him to grieve with me. Not that I want to dwell on that, but I need somehow to believe that he feels a sense of loss also.

Otherwise, it is like he enjoyed his affair, now lets enjoy us. No point in looking back, enjoy today.

Perhaps this is what is making me feel stuck. Does anyone else feel this way? Or maybe give some advice?

[This message edited by FightingBack at 10:27 AM, June 21st (Friday)]

sri624 posted 6/21/2013 11:25 AM

i just wanted to say that i know how you feel. my husband is the same way...he often times wants to focus on the future...and let the past go. i get that....but i grieve what i thought we had...the illusion because that is exactly what is was.

my ic just keeps telling me it will take time....i hope so.
hugs to you...

catlover50 posted 6/21/2013 13:56 PM

Fighting back--

I understand what you are grieving, but your H knew what kind of M you had all those years, even though you didn't. It seems to me you are asking him to grieve the loss of your illusions since he wasn't under any.

That's one of the sucky parts (of many)-- we were living two different realities. I realize there were parts of my H I never knew about, unA related.

My H also would prefer to focus on the future, but acknowledges that I have lots of processing yet to do. And he has work to do that dates back 45 years. That's just the reality of it, and it isn't always fun or pretty.

Best of luck.

housenotahome posted 6/21/2013 15:19 PM

I get what you're saying and I'm sorry you're going through this. Sometimes I'm not sure if what I am grieving was real. I feel like my H was an illusion. He lied about who he was from day 1 and I got to watch him pretend to be someone else for 12 years. He finally appears to be somewhat honest about who he is, although he is still trying to figure that out? I'm happy that he is able to move forward, if I'm able to adjust my attitude. I just want him to understand why I don't have that luxury right now, 2 years later. Not for lack of trying.

[This message edited by housenotahome at 3:20 PM, June 21st (Friday)]

FightingBack posted 6/21/2013 15:24 PM

I appreciate your responses.

Perhaps I am grieving something that never was. Maybe I miss the illusion and my perception of who I thought he was.

And I suppose it is useless to grieve what could have, should have been, but I do. Such a terrible waste of years.

catlover50 posted 6/21/2013 15:36 PM

Of course it's normal to grieve that! And be powerless to change it.

And he should certainly support you in your feelings; he just may not feel the exact same way. Hopefully he also regrets the wasted years.

My H wrote me a letter expressing regret for not figuring out his issues years ago; they ultimately cost us more than the A. Now that we both see what we could have had all along it does seem like a big waste, but what can we do? Only try to make the best of it going forward.

Knowing posted 6/21/2013 18:59 PM

"He is all for looking forward to the future and making the most of the present. That is great but I feel that maybe I want him to grieve with me. Not that I want to dwell on that, but I need somehow to believe that he feels a sense of loss also."

Maybe all you need is a little empathy. He may not share the same feelings of mourning and loss you do, or not at the same time, or over the same aspects of your M, but he may be able to relate or empathize. Bring it up until you're satisfied or done with that aspect of your healing, whichever comes first.

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