Yesterday I woke up and realized I was in a decent mood and told myself that today I will not allow myself to think about my husband's EA and A's, the OW, the OC on the way, or any of my feelings relating to them. (My husband is Army and is stationed in Korea so it makes it easier to just not have to look at him sometimes) Whenever I realized I was breaking my 'rule', I would immediately think (or even say out loud or start singing) NOPE! Fuck that. Nononono. Or something to that effect and start doing something, whether it was watching tv and listening very closely to what the actors were saying, or start singing an empowering song, or concentrating very hard on taking care of my 3mo old. It didn't work, I kept having thoughts creep back, but at the very least I felt like I had control over my own mind. Made it all day without getting too down or crying. I was pretty proud of myself.
You may be asking what the bad part is? Well, I woke up this morning and immediately felt horrible. I don't have the willpower I had yesterday... Maybe my mind let me get a much needed day off, but stored it all up for later evaluation...
Yesterday I felt on top of the world and in control of my life and happiness...today I feel completely and totally helpless and I feel like all of my husband's selfish and dickish choices will haunt me for the rest of my life.
