"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

IGaveItMyAll posted 6/21/2013 13:31 PM

Just a thought that came to me. I feel I am not responsible for her happiness. Yes, I am in a relationship. Yes, I try to meet her needs, listen and connect with her. I feel that my mood affects her mood and vise versa. But I don't feel it is my responsiblility to carry the burden of her happiness. Before I would always scramble to make her happy. Now I am sitting back and working on me and our marriage. But HER working on HER is HER deal. I am not being insensitive it just seems when she has a bad day she looks for me to fix it, vent and then I feel I carry her burden and mood. I don't know... Any Thought???

tired girl posted 6/21/2013 13:35 PM

Why do you pick up her burden or her mood? Maybe instead after she is done venting, ask her what she plans to do to change what she is upset about, or just say your sorry she is having a bad day. Leave it at that.

You don't have to choose to let it affect you. Your right, she is responsible for her own happiness, as are you.

IGaveItMyAll posted 6/21/2013 13:39 PM

I feel I have been pretty co-dependant in our marriage so I am working on breaking that pattern. I have always grown up not wanting to see my mom unhappy (my father cheated on her and they D) so I think I brought that into my marriage. My instict goes into "Fix It" mode. But Yeah I think just a simple I am sorry you are feeling like this will sufice.

karmahappens posted 6/21/2013 13:43 PM

You are correct, her happiness is hers to find.

After an A it is so important to get to a place where both people can stand on their own two feet emotionally.

We are there to support each other and at different times we help carry a load, but the only person you can control is you and vice versa.

Nice lesson to live and learn at a young age!!

Jennifer99 posted 6/21/2013 14:48 PM

When someone I love is suffering I try to be a good listener, I try to give them extra hugs, literally BE the shoulder, if they accept this part of me I also try and joke bad things away. Some appreciate that, some do not.

I used to try and be the fixer. I still have this problem with my son but I have to say he is guilty of it as well, even at age 10 lol.

I have found that I can't even put WH in that group of people I love so I listen and give extra hugs. He thinks I'm not objective. So I told him he can get IC to help him with his unhappiness problem then. I have a hard enough time trying to maintain my own sanity.

IGaveItMyAll posted 6/21/2013 14:57 PM

I told him he can get IC to help him with his unhappiness problem then

This is exactly what I am talking about. I am always a good shoulder, I listen, try and give advice when asked but it comes a point where if she in constantly irritated and unhappy then she needs to dive in deep in IC. I was trying to force her IC now I am 180'ing.

Lionne posted 6/21/2013 21:29 PM

I get what you are saying and of course, you are right. But, this is triggery to me. My SAfWH used to say this to me all the time, "I don't want to be responsible for your feelings!" Not acknowledging that his verbal and emotional abuse and neglect fueled my unhappiness. We cannot change someone's feelings, but we certainly ARE responsible for caring for those we love. For listening, for doing nice things, for giving that extra effort when someone is down.

Infidelity is devastating. At least it was to me. It has been a LONG time since I have felt like my old, optimistic, positive self. I have been clinically depressed. While I know SAfWH can't "fix" me, I would hope he would support and help me, much as I did with him, while he was in his in his depressive state for so many years.