Me - BS original Dday 10-2012, separated June 2014, divorce 12-19-16
Going to start out with a scream and an apology. First the apology - This will most likely be ALL over the place. Now the scream - I AM SO SICK OF THIS ROLLERCOASTER!!!!
So, WH passed lie detector last night. YAY me right? Yup. That was a good thing. Came after a few good days too. We go to IC today and decided to go to each others, same office, close together time wise. We do that sometimes. His was first. I won't even get into how his IC basically attacked me. I may be exaggerating but whatever.
We get on the topic of WH not calling his Dad on Father's Day. I knew he did not call him on Monday when I looked at his phone. He never said a word to me. I finally brought it up to him last night. Pre-Dday, he spoke to his Dad usually every weekend, for a few hours (they live in another state). I was trying to address the fact that I was hurt he didn't share this with me. That's a thing you discuss with your partner right? Come to find out, he hasn't talked to his Dad in MONTHS. MONTHS. I guess I didn't need to know this since he never told me. I also found out that he hasn't spoken to his Mom since before Mother's day. I knew he didn't call her that day (he was in a bad place and sucked all around, including how he ignored it basically for me that day). Anyways - again, I guess I didn't need to know this since he didn't tell me. Brings up soooo many issues for me. CA and compartmentalizing are two of his specialties and parts of what got us to Dday :-(
In his IC appointment, I also found out he was stressed about a potential false positive on the lie detector test. We had talked about the test during the day and right before. Calm, no fighting. It wasn't scheduled in anger, it was scheduled in fear and in need of some reassurance. HE NEVER BOTHERED TO TELL ME he was worried about a possible false positive. He told me he was worried it wouldn't give me the peace I needed but not that he was worried about a false positive. When I asked why he didn't tell me - his answer was he thought he was being defensive so he didn't tell me that feeling. UGH!! King of defensiveness, *NEVER* catches himself being defensive and that's his excuse for not telling me? No, he is still holding back from me. PERIOD.
We go to breakfast, I try to explain why I am angry and hurt. We then go to my IC and at this point, I am shutting down, hurt, pissed, scared and all that jazz. I kinda went off. I wasn't mean but I didn't hold back how I felt either. Turns out he is too "emotionally drained" since dday to deal with his parents. Fine. No problem. He has some FOO issues (really, who doesn't??), I could understand that. IF I HAD KNOWN. NINE MONTHS this has been an issue for him (he swears its not a big issue - does it matter?!?!) and I am *JUST* now finding out? I guess I didn't need to know since he didn't tell me.
Here I sit, several hours later, just finally having a moment of head space to process and I am just devastated. What is different?? The issues that he has uncovered that got us here are his CA, shutting off emotions and not sharing his real feelings with me. HE IS STILL DOING IT ALL. OK - *I* am not the one "in the box" this time, it's his parents but still. He says they are not in a box since he does occasionally think about them. He surely hasn't addressed his issues with them or even shared them with me. That's a box to me. He thought of me during his A but I was "in the box" when he was fucking his AP.
His answer to me calling him out on the CA thing still being here - he reminds me of a recent time he was in the grocery store and he realized he will avoid certain aisles if they are crowded, it's a CA issue. OK - yes that happened and it's great he saw it but REALLY???? *THIS* is what I get 9 months after Dday?
Am I expecting too much? If I am, tell me. PLEASE. He is transparent, has had NC, is spending lots of time reading the boards, is actually working on "seeing" me, handles my triggers well, will talk about the A if I need to, works on showing me how he loves me, etc. It's not enough though for me. Either I am expecting too much which means I may just be done or need a break or whatever OR he is just still pretty damn clueless.
Grief, loss and pain taunt her - "you will never be the same." Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, she rises and spreads her new wings as she brushes off the ashes an