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Just devestated

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sodamnlost posted 6/21/2013 14:20 PM

Going to start out with a scream and an apology. First the apology - This will most likely be ALL over the place. Now the scream - I AM SO SICK OF THIS ROLLERCOASTER!!!!

So, WH passed lie detector last night. YAY me right? Yup. That was a good thing. Came after a few good days too. We go to IC today and decided to go to each others, same office, close together time wise. We do that sometimes. His was first. I won't even get into how his IC basically attacked me. I may be exaggerating but whatever.

We get on the topic of WH not calling his Dad on Father's Day. I knew he did not call him on Monday when I looked at his phone. He never said a word to me. I finally brought it up to him last night. Pre-Dday, he spoke to his Dad usually every weekend, for a few hours (they live in another state). I was trying to address the fact that I was hurt he didn't share this with me. That's a thing you discuss with your partner right? Come to find out, he hasn't talked to his Dad in MONTHS. MONTHS. I guess I didn't need to know this since he never told me. I also found out that he hasn't spoken to his Mom since before Mother's day. I knew he didn't call her that day (he was in a bad place and sucked all around, including how he ignored it basically for me that day). Anyways - again, I guess I didn't need to know this since he didn't tell me. Brings up soooo many issues for me. CA and compartmentalizing are two of his specialties and parts of what got us to Dday :-(

In his IC appointment, I also found out he was stressed about a potential false positive on the lie detector test. We had talked about the test during the day and right before. Calm, no fighting. It wasn't scheduled in anger, it was scheduled in fear and in need of some reassurance. HE NEVER BOTHERED TO TELL ME he was worried about a possible false positive. He told me he was worried it wouldn't give me the peace I needed but not that he was worried about a false positive. When I asked why he didn't tell me - his answer was he thought he was being defensive so he didn't tell me that feeling. UGH!! King of defensiveness, *NEVER* catches himself being defensive and that's his excuse for not telling me? No, he is still holding back from me. PERIOD.

We go to breakfast, I try to explain why I am angry and hurt. We then go to my IC and at this point, I am shutting down, hurt, pissed, scared and all that jazz. I kinda went off. I wasn't mean but I didn't hold back how I felt either. Turns out he is too "emotionally drained" since dday to deal with his parents. Fine. No problem. He has some FOO issues (really, who doesn't??), I could understand that. IF I HAD KNOWN. NINE MONTHS this has been an issue for him (he swears its not a big issue - does it matter?!?!) and I am *JUST* now finding out? I guess I didn't need to know since he didn't tell me.

Here I sit, several hours later, just finally having a moment of head space to process and I am just devastated. What is different?? The issues that he has uncovered that got us here are his CA, shutting off emotions and not sharing his real feelings with me. HE IS STILL DOING IT ALL. OK - *I* am not the one "in the box" this time, it's his parents but still. He says they are not in a box since he does occasionally think about them. He surely hasn't addressed his issues with them or even shared them with me. That's a box to me. He thought of me during his A but I was "in the box" when he was fucking his AP.

His answer to me calling him out on the CA thing still being here - he reminds me of a recent time he was in the grocery store and he realized he will avoid certain aisles if they are crowded, it's a CA issue. OK - yes that happened and it's great he saw it but REALLY???? *THIS* is what I get 9 months after Dday?

Am I expecting too much? If I am, tell me. PLEASE. He is transparent, has had NC, is spending lots of time reading the boards, is actually working on "seeing" me, handles my triggers well, will talk about the A if I need to, works on showing me how he loves me, etc. It's not enough though for me. Either I am expecting too much which means I may just be done or need a break or whatever OR he is just still pretty damn clueless.

doesitgetbetter posted 6/21/2013 14:53 PM

I don't think you're expecting too much, and your concerns are definitely valid. I will point out though, that it takes a long time to change a lifetime of learned behavior. 9 months is not really that long compared to how long he's been compartmentalizing. At 9 months out, my H still couldn't even identify a feeling if it popped up and slapped him. I actually had to teach him how to recognize a feeling, and how to identify it, and how to relate it... this is what led us to go to Retrouvaille because I wasn't able to fully get it through to him.

He may not have recognized that he was avoiding his parents on purpose for CA issues until he verbalized it to you. If that is the case, then maybe he didn't think it was a big deal that he didn't talk to them for a few months/weeks. If he's had issues with talking about feelings, it's very possible that he has issues recognizing the feelings that are attached to his actions as well.

Maybe I'm off, but that's what it sounds like to me as an outsiders perspective. I'm sorry you're having a bad day! I know it will pass, and I know it will get better.

catlover50 posted 6/21/2013 15:18 PM


I do understand your concerns. Between my Ddays (second one was finding out EA was actually a PA, and, oddly, not actually an EA) I was closer to divorce than I was after Dday 2. My H had always been somewhat withdrawn, but I found out he was keeping stuff from me, and after promising me the moon after Dday 1 I had little patience for it. I found out he had been looking into going back to school for some time without discussing it with me, which was mildly upsetting. Then I found out he was on antidepressants and hiding it from me and I didn't even know he was depressed! I found out because there was a message from the doctor (which he lied about). He felt righteous indignation that I didn't need to know "his every thought and feeling". I had to go to my IC for verification that healthy couples share this sort of thing. (We took a long trip that summer and I asked him what would have happened if he was sick and at the hospital and I didn't know what meds he was taking?). Finally, he really felt he had the right to be friends with a young woman at work who everyone thought he was sleeping with even though it made me very uncomfortable. He would erase texts from her too. I kept reminding him of the moon he had promised me; he kept saying he wasn't doing anything wrong so why should he change.

After Dday 2 this all changed, not overnight, but completely. He now hides nothing from me, and shares his feelings and dreams. He's open to my questions and honestly will listen to insights I glean from books, here, or IC. He continues his own IC and our MC. I honestly never knew he was capable of this.

He says the change was from the shock of how he had hurt me and how low he had sunk and being forced to finally face the truth. Also, he told me about his CSA, which he had never shared.

I see some of my "old" H in yours and I feel for you. It is SO frustrating, and unfortunately, there was no way for me to reach my H before Dday 2. I'm actually glad it was forced into the open; I doubt I would still be M otherwise.

ETA--I have learned that the CSA caused real attachment and intimacy issues and he never really felt safe opening up to anyone and would withdraw if I "pushed".

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 3:21 PM, June 21st (Friday)]

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