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DD came home from school today very upset, talking about Perv and something she forgot that he wanted her to pass on.

She said, "Daddy wants you to find his airplane book for his new work." Problem is, this "new work" is a job offer that keeps getting post-poned.

It's become his way over his time knowing OW that he is very, very covert, but I'm also annoyed because he went through DD that way and calls me a "meddler" if I make a peep at her that has to do with him, at all.

And, it just dawned on me, he's had several doctor's appointments of late? for some reason he decided to info-share and gave me a song and dance about checking his blood pressure and a "checkup". This is a once a year guy who only goes when a doctor's note comes that he's late for a physical and tries in vain to home-remedy everything.

The hairs on the back of my neck are raised very, very high.

I have no attatchment to the man anymore, but I have to wonder if there is a way in other countries to get married before you are divorced. Maybe he and Ow are running off and can't even wait 'til the ink clears!

I've heard of a sibling talk about this job offer in support of Perv, but Perv has lied to the siblings (over 10) all along.

It's nothing to do with me anymore as long as the money comes, but the sneakiness and using DD that way makes that burn in my belly go.

Thank you for any ideas.

Please note that I did not ask for the information, simply passed on that they called as his number seems not to have been taken off for here.

Vacation plans abroad, maybe?

First of all, why is he asking DD to ask you? My guess is he does not want to open this for discussion. Could he be fleeing to another country to avoid paying you-CS/SS/whatever?

I would not do a thing; make him come to you for it if you know where it is. If you don't, make him come to you, tell him you have no idea where it is, and let him report it as lost.

I agree with Sad. It is easy for them to get lost. Make him solve his own problem, and if the delay causes him problems, oh well, not your problem.

I was thinking that's what my plan will be.

It bothered me that he spoke to DD about it because of that in general, but also because it makes another double-standard for him, where he calls me a "meddler" if I speak to her of anything to do remotely with him-past or present.

I make a habit not to, in fact I generally pretend he's dead, it's easier.

I'm also trying to figure out how to respond to L, because he is under the impression that I was too interested in Perv's daily life for my state of mind and I am not-I'm sad L got that impression from what I sent, which was basically what I wrote here. I don't want to waste an L correspondence about a trivial thing so haven't sent anything, but it was annoying and I wanted to make sure no none thinks I'm still hung up on the guy. In fact, I feel primarily disgust.

Do I reply anything like that to L or leave it for now?

It's my belief that the passports we had are expired anyway because we haven't been anywhere-correction-I haven't been anywhere to use them since DD was born and she's almost 11.

I've heard on the wind that Perv is up for a job that may involve travel and supposedly he is up to background check level, but what's also on the wind is different from one person to the next.

I'm not out fishing or anything and only care from the CS point of view for money, but again I overheard DD on the phone with him about it and traveling out of country and she was a little upset. (She knows nothing of OW).

I'm not hung up that either, so it's said plainly here, but I get a little upset because of the double standard, as I said. I work very hard to monitor what DD hears-when I can-or what I say to her in general and seem to be the only one -with relatives as well.

Thanks for all the replies, it threw me for a loop, also because we are in the thick of the D process and we hear of people doing some pretty major or bizarre things during this time of life.

What's so strange about the whole thing is how much this man hated change-if I moved where the gum went, sh hit the fan all the years of M. Not sure now what the real thing is, but also not caring a ton anymore and truly trying to move on. Again, many thanks.

Let it go with your L. That is one less 15-minute charge you have to pay for him to read it...

Double standards suck, but they are the order of the day when you deal with assholes. Keep doing what you know is right. Your DD will recognize and appreciate that when she is older.

I thought I saw on a post somewhere that you have no idea where that passport might be and it's likely lost or accidentally got thrown away.

Just sayin'.

YSF, Mousse! (You're so funny).

NL (Neighbor Lady) has a passport story about a friend of hers who had a WH in the serial cheating sense. One day the friend was telling NL that some stuff came in the mail to their house that she thought was odd. He had changed his address, but you know how it doesn't all go at once?

Well, this was the papers for a passport saying it went through and then eventually the actually passport came and the BS's learned that the Ex was going to a Caribbean vacation with an OW while married still...so we had a good chuckle at that Wh's expense, because of how smart they think they are.

So NL suggested to her friend to sit on the papers and passport and apparently the trip was stupidly booked before the papers and book were complete (as part of the no thinking process on ExH's part) so it ended up that the OW went with another guy!

Ashland, I seem to remember you saying in another thread also that you couldn't find any of the passports.

My step dad is from another country. He and my mom got married in his country. Then they had to get married over here when they moved back because this country didn't recognize the marriage. So they probably can get married in another country but it won't be recognized here.

Is this "job" here in the United States? The only other thing I would be worried about is him skipping the country and then you won't get CS or SS.

Since he chose to go through your DD I wouldn't worry about it until he brings it up to you. He'll learn real quick not to go through your DD.

I sent you a PM, Ashland.

"skipping the country won't get you CS and SS"...YES, that!

Update...

An electronic message came today from Perv. "Please can you put my passport in my mail pile?" (He no longer gets "real" mail" here, just the junk stuff that doesn't transfer). He also said he realizes it may be expired but wants it anyway.

He also went on to say that if hired he would have to go out of the country for a short time for "job training", as it would be an international employer...huh.

He then said the doctor's appointments are "coincidence and routine, blood pressure and "checkup"? but there have been more than one. I hope can get that number transferred soon so I can not know anymore.

I think I wouldn't even care about the doctor visits except that he felt the need to mention the personal information on his own and he is generally not willing to do that. It was a little red flag that he would mention something personal, not any real caring on my part...and maybe the timing too weird or I'm not as naïve anymore?

It feels kind of like being in elementary school, where sometimes a teacher will miss something and you can get a higher grade if you don't point out "woops" to them...

or when my sister spilled nail polish on the rug growing up and tried to hide our parents finding it so made it worse by scrubbing it! it only made a bigger mess and drew attention to it, anyway.

Thanks, everybody. Though going on a year and a half alone, it's only 5 months since DDay and still I have a lot of accepting to do, though have come a long way.

This man I knew and loved with my soul for 20 years, my entire adulthood and to think could have been living on a lie...is very hard to bear.

I finally stopped trying to diagnose everything and am living more in the present, but battling the pain is agony.

And this was also a man who feared change but now is daily changing. I think maybe he snapped, but I also know is really not my problem anymore, in the long run. I'm getting there!

Thank you, everybody, for the input.

Ashland, I don't know your situation, but my husband was an overseas contract worker and there is always a ton of medical to do. The thing about that is if that is the case, the companies are generally based here in the U.S., so it would not be possible to skip out on CS that way.

FYI: Sending your old (even expired) passport expedites things. Don't necessarily need it though especially if it is expired. Shame it got lost though

Give him the passport. Withholding it will lead to accusations against you, or stories he can tell your relatives, friends and one day the kids (when they grow up) about how "horrible" you were, and can't they see why he had to leave you. Engaging him changes nothing, teaches him nothing. It's just drama for the kids to get upset by, and feel caught in the middle, since that's who he asked to tell you about it.

Take the high road. If he plans to skip child support he will find away to skip it even if you keep the passport.

If he marries the OW overseas, big deal. You couldn't stop that, either, if that's his intention. And you couldn't make him stop wanting to, either way. If he does it, then it's his bigamy and legal consequences to face, not yours.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 7:13 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]