I think I understand how you can say you're better now, even though you don't feel like you love your husband. Today I am 3 years out. I haven't been on this site for more than 6 months, I think. I haven't posted in ages. I do look up OW every once in a while, but I hate how I feel afterward, so I don't do it often at all.
I am strong enough to say I can make it on my own now (emotionally) and am prepared for the worst should it ever happen. I have fought the bitterness in my heart you describe, but have never really opened my heart to love because of his trickle truth and lies he's never admitted to. It certainly leaves me a bit cynical, but I'm still trying.
BUT. I threw my energy into my career and am now half-way through a Master's degree and am teaching in an excellent school district. I have personal satisfaction. I rely on myself for my happiness.
There is "peace" in my home. We do not fight often and we have good conversations every day as long as we do not discuss our marriage or the A. As unhealthy as this is and counterproductive to a healthy R, we didn't stand a chance of achieving the silver lining after the storm due to the TT and lies. If you're going to stay together post DDay, there is simply a lot of crap a BS has to live with and/or accept; I view this as the crap.
Is this similar to the way you think you're feeling? Can you relate to this three years out like me?