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Wow, I have not been on this site in 30 days. I used to post, rant , rave and cry. Parts of you really do heal. I am not the same naive person I was 3 years ago. I still have bitterness in my heart. But I can smile and enjoy life again. I did not die like I was 100% sure I was going to.

I will say I do not love my husband anymore. We are still together just because I really don't know how to leave. I hate how it is but also hate that my kids (although grown) and G-kids would be torn in different directions. So I am unsure at this point in what direction I may go.

I still stalk the OW facebook page but not every 10 mins. lol I may hit it once or twice a month. I am no longer angry that she felt I was lying about what a great marriage I THOUGHT I had.

I am almost me a again and it sure feels good!!! And those of you who are still in the worst days, it will get better!

I will say I do not love my husband anymore. We are still together just because I really don't know how to leave. I hate how it is.

This contradicts your closing statement and concerns me. It's never too late to change. I'm glad you are doing better. Is you husband working on himself?

He works, he is always home when not at work. Ok, this made me laugh out loud because I thought he was at work before. But he leaves his phone out for me all the time. I have keys to both his trucks.He always tells me he loves me. (I never say it back) And to be honest, he looks like I did 3 years ago. The affair took its toll on me mental and my health. I am happy to say I sleep with no sleeping pills! Yay me! But he looks tired and old. Where everyone is back to saying what have you been doing, you look awesome.

The night we went to face the OW I should have left him there. Because at that point I lost all respect for my H. But you know how we are so in shock at that point and need to keep what is ours. Well I no longer have that urgency. I have been honest I tell him I do not love him like a woman should love her husband. I even told him sometimes you talk to me I see your mouth move but I can't hear you.

I just do not know how to leave. I have the money, but how do you divide up 34 years together? I am better but not 100%.

This site saved me many days and nights.

And I am raising 2 grandchildren whose parents (my son) are addicts. I do wonder what taking them from all they have known, they are 10 and 6 will effect the security they have. I just keep making each day count and keep counting my blessings!

I think I understand how you can say you're better now, even though you don't feel like you love your husband. Today I am 3 years out. I haven't been on this site for more than 6 months, I think. I haven't posted in ages. I do look up OW every once in a while, but I hate how I feel afterward, so I don't do it often at all.

I am strong enough to say I can make it on my own now (emotionally) and am prepared for the worst should it ever happen. I have fought the bitterness in my heart you describe, but have never really opened my heart to love because of his trickle truth and lies he's never admitted to. It certainly leaves me a bit cynical, but I'm still trying.

BUT. I threw my energy into my career and am now half-way through a Master's degree and am teaching in an excellent school district. I have personal satisfaction. I rely on myself for my happiness.

There is "peace" in my home. We do not fight often and we have good conversations every day as long as we do not discuss our marriage or the A. As unhealthy as this is and counterproductive to a healthy R, we didn't stand a chance of achieving the silver lining after the storm due to the TT and lies. If you're going to stay together post DDay, there is simply a lot of crap a BS has to live with and/or accept; I view this as the crap.

Is this similar to the way you think you're feeling? Can you relate to this three years out like me?

Dear thiswontbreakme, wow I think I could've just about put my name at the top of your post. I'm so sorry for you. I do tell my wife i love her but honestly km not sure I know her. I'm also 3 yrs out. Some days are definitely better than others. We don't fight but any time I express my depression she crashes emotionally. I also just accept this new life if it means my kids are happy...and they are so that's good enough for me.